Welcome, friends, to your weekly visit to the Abbey. (Miss the last episode? Read all about it!) I hear a telephone ringing in the distance. Should we answer? Remember, SPOILER ALERT. To the recap!

In Liverpool, Mary and Tony are deep into their Sex Vacation. They are being so modern that Mary tells the help she “can manage” her own breakfast tray. Heavens! She really is a new, modern woman. Oh, wait, she’s not that modern: “I’ve been tarnished once,” she tells Tony when he suggests it won’t be the end of the world if they are seen together in public, “and I won’t be tarnished again.” The Pirate kisses her and departs to his connected room for his breakfast tray and Mary looks off into the distance, troubled. Is she thinking about Sir Charles Blake a.k.a. that dude she mud wrestled with?

Downstairs, Daisy can’t shut up about how great she is at math now, which means she misses Patmore’s dramatic emoting over her mail. Beginner’s Downton Tip: All important plots involve mail.

In the breakfast room, Cora is all dolled up, probably for the Art Guy.

Downstairs, Thomas is speaking his lines in monotone as a protest against his one-dimensional character. He’s up to no good, obviously, and it’s not mail-related but telephone call-related. Time and technology march on.

In Liverpool, Mary leaves the Sex Vacation telling Tony, “We’ll talk soon.” Oh, wow. Cold. Next thing you know she’s sending him a text message saying, “You’re really great! It’s not you, it’s me! Timing is just really bad right now! :)”

From across the street, the Dowager Countess’ Generic Butler spots them as they are leaving the hotel. Oooooh. There you go. He’s going to blow this Sex Vacation secret wide open! Another Beginner’s Downton Tip: If there is a secret, a minimum of two people will discover it almost immediately. Julian Fellows cannot stand a secret to remain secret for longer than one scene.

At Violet’s house, Violet is mean girling Isobel as hard as she can: “Oh, what is the latest from your aging Romeo?” she asks. To explain what just happened in the last scene, Isobel asks where her butler Sprat is (he didn’t open the door!) and Violet says he’s in Liverpool.

Downstairs, Carson engages with the kindly police man who is definitely about to take Downton down re: the Bates keeps murdering people situation.

In the library, Edith pulls a very Mary-like sneak attack on Mary and says, “Where are [your sketches] anyway? Can’t we see them?” Luckily, no one ever listens to Edith so no one notices. Also, they are too busy listening to Old Man Donk yell about a new thing he just discovered he hates: “I won’t have 50 ugly modern houses built over a field of mine!” Babies George and Sibby are brought into the library to make Edith sad.

Downstairs, Rachel (Hughes) lies to Ross (Carson) about Anna’s Rapist. Oh no! They should totally be telling each other everything! Alone, they are fingers, but together they make a fist!

Patmore pulls Hughes into a room and explains that this war memorial plot isn’t going away any time soon and she wants her deserter nephew’s name on the Downton memorial.

At Violet’s, her Generic Butler gets super coy with his gossip, but only holds on to it for all of 20 seconds before spilling the beans that Mary was in Liverpool having sex. Violet lies her face off to Generic Butler to keep Mary untarnished for as long as possible. Good luck with that, Dowager.

Downstairs, Anna and Hughes think about starting a weekly serialized podcast to find out the truth about where Bates was during those 15 minutes after school.

In the drawing room, Cora sets up a trip to London with the Art Guy, which Donk conveniently cannot attend. Mary gets a phone call from her grandmother because she’s in big trouble, and Rose is getting ready to bring her Russian refugees, who are actually like deposed royalty, to Downton. Rose, such a humanitarian!

Downstairs at the dinner table, Thomas the Liar lies about his phone calls and pretends they are all about his sick father. As if Thomas has a father and wasn’t just hatched full grown from an evil egg! Anna whispers to Bates something about running away and Daisy stops to talk about how she’s thinking of becoming a physicist now that she’s sooooo good at math and Patmore yells: “That’s enough, Daisy! Come and carry the spotted dick!” (Sorry. That wasn’t that important; I just really wanted to type “spotted dick”).

Upstairs, Cora demands answers from Baxter the Honest and Noble Thief. Baxter leaves and Cora starts speaking romantically about the war and a time when she felt useful. She’s clearly trying to communicate with Donk about how she wants to be at least a little involved in things, but he doesn’t think it’s a woman’s place to ask questions or know information or do things. When she asks him about the 50 ugly modern houses, he says: “Nothing to trouble you with.” You know who I bet is about to allow Cora to “trouble with” things? The Art Guy.

In Mary’s room, Mary pawns the prophylactic off on Anna. Um, why not just throw it away if it’s so dangerous? I’ll tell you why: the plot! Anna suggests that helping Mary have premarital sex is causing her to be punished by God, who is now running the police investigation of the Rapist’s death.

In the hall, Bates interrogates Anna about the prophylactic, which is now in her pocket.

Downstairs, Carson and Hughes argue about Patmore’s deserter nephew. Ugh, these two. On again off again on again off again.

Outside, Baxter and Molesley talk about how Baxter can deal with the ultimatum from Cora regarding the circumstances of her great jewel heist.

Downstairs, the turmoil in the Carson/Hughes relationship ripples, causing confusion and sadness among the staff (Patmore runs off in tears, while Daisy can’t decide what they are trying to say about whether she can or cannot take an exam).

Outside, Donk says he’s planning on heading to London to surprise Cora. You know that’s not going to end well.

Downstairs, the policeman is back and apparently now knows who Bates is. Maybe he showed up on a list of Known-Criminals in the Abbey?

At Violet’s, Mary is completely caught re: her Sex Vacation and so must sit through a lecture from her Granny.

In London, Baxter the Angel finally admits the cause of her thievery. She was basically in an abusive relationship and tricked into it. Obviously.

Speaking of criminals, downstairs, Bates gets interrogated by the policeman. Bates doesn’t seem worried about this. Sociopath.

In London, Cora gazes at art and the Art Guy gazes at her.

At the Baby Watcher’s house, Edith has apparently kidnapped Marigold, as would anyone. Well, okay, she hasn’t actually kidnapped Marigold, she’s just taken her to see some chickens, but the Baby Watcher’s Wife is not impressed. Seriously, just tell this lady Marigold is the fruit of Edith’s loins! One theme of this episode: keeping unimportant secrets from your significant other (and yes, I’m including Hughes and Carson here, as well as Anna and Bates).

In London, there’s more phone news: for some reason, Cora can’t get through to Rosamund to tell her she’s about to have a tarnishing dinner with the Art Guy. The Art Guy is laying it on thick, complimenting Cora’s outfit and telling her she “has an instinct” for art. Yeah, buddy, we all know exactly what it sounds like when an art guy is trying to get into a pretty lady’s underthings.

Downstairs, Hughes and Mary discuss the Bates Murder Timeline. Yes, he visited a shoe shop right before it opened, but what about Best Buy? And was there a pay phone there?

On the streets of London, Cora admits that she’s Jewish to the Art Guy. Did we know this already? She tells her origin story, which is basically the plot from the song “Fancy” except that, instead of an impoverished Southern shack, Cora came from an upper middle class Jewish family in New York and, instead of a sugar daddy-type john, Cora got Donk. The Art Guy puts the moves on Cora as passively as humanly possible and she gently rebuffs him in a classy lady way.

When she gets backs to Rosamund’s, Donk is there in a suit and he’s not stoked because: “I traveled to London in order to give my wife a treat, only to find she’s out dining with another man.” Oh geeeeeez. He then goes on to tell Cora that the Art Guy couldn’t possibly care about her stupid female opinions. Yes, okay, maybe you’re a teeny tiny bit right, Donk, but you are also a stupid jerk. I hope Cora leaves you for the Art Guy. I hope Isis, the dog, leaves you for the Art Guy too.

Speaking of stupid jerks, back at Downton, Mary throws in an unnecessary jab at Edith when Branson asks if Edith seems a bit distracted to her: “I’m not sure I’d notice.” Dude, Edith is your last remaining sister! Why do you hate her so so much? The Pamuk thing should be water under the bridge by now!

But it turns out they are all distracted. When Branson says, “It can be hard to know what to do for the best–you don’t want to hurt people, but you may have to,” Mary says: “I know exactly what you mean.” Oh snap. Mary is totally definitely dumping Tony! Why? Was he terrible in bed? The kind of guy who refuses to make eye contact? What Mary needs is a real man. A man like…Branson?? When Branson says, “If you love me, you’ll support me,” she perks up. Will Sibby and George soon be sibling-cousins?!

Donk and Cora return to Downton, just in time for the Russian Tea. Tony shows up too and so do Violet and Isobel. Are those two ever apart these days? Are they contractually obligated to share every scene? Because it seems like we’re building to a climax, the School Teacher shows up too. Guess who thinks helping displaced tsarist aristocrats is totally ridiculous and isn’t afraid to say it? I’ll give you one try.

In a side room, Violet attacks Mary by saying: “In my day, a woman was incapable of feeling physical attraction until she’d been instructed to do so by her mama.” Um, is this why Violet is tampering with Isobel’s love life? Because she’s never felt physical attraction for a man? Because she’s a lesbian and secretly in love with Isobel and so consumed with jealousy re: Isobel’s suitors? Spin off!

In Cora’s room, Baxter the Angel is, of course, granted a reprieve.

Downstairs, Cora tells Donk he’s a stupid jerk.

Again, since we’re building to a climax, everyone must show up and now it’s the Baby Watcher’s turn. He’s there to tell Edith she can’t see Marigold anymore. Not cool, Baby Watcher! Edith has been through enough! Leave Edith alone!

At the tea, the School Teacher has decided to stay, which makes Donk the opposite of really happy. She says something political, obviously, which stresses the poor refugees out. Luckily, Donk has a bunch of old trash from a wedding to distract them. The trash brings back some old memories for Violet who starts talking nostalgically about the party where they got the trash and the blue dress she was wearing. At which point, a hot older Russian gentleman who is actually a prince steps forward and reminds her he gave her the wedding trash. So, she’s not a lesbian, just a basic floozy who had an affair with a Russian.

Outside, Mary side eyes Granny and says: “I know now you understand my predicament far better than you let on.” They smile knowingly at each other. Is Granny the newest member of the Downton Feminist Society? The old ladies get into a car and Granny looks wistfully out at her Russian Prince and Isobel finally gets a dig in about Violet’s love life. The car drives on and credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Branson: Branson gets in the rankings this week, even though he didn’t do much, for launching a thousand Mary/Branson shippers. Oh, yes. Please please please fall in love with Mary!

4. Mary: Mary is taking control of her life by protecting herself from unwanted pregnancies and maybe breaking up with a guy because he’s bad at sex and hopefully starting a full-on love affair with her dead sister’s husband.

3. Cora: Speaking of taking control of your life! Cora is not standing for Donk’s nonsense and she’s thinking about what she can do to contribute to this world! Another potential new member of the Downton Feminist Society?

2. Edith: Oh, Edith. She just cannot catch a break. But her torment is our entertainment! And I think her plot line is a lot more interesting than the war memorial or the Bates is still a murderer plot line. May Marigold and Michael be returned to you, dearest Edith!

1. Violet: Dude. She pulled a prince!

Come back next week to see is Violet rekindles her love with a royal Russian and if the Bateses run off to Mexico!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

A petal falls from a rose and funny-looking brush dusts a light fixture and it’s Sunday and we’re back at Downton Abbey! Remember, for now and for always: SPOILER ALERT.

Thomas menacingly returns to  Downton from his mysterious trip.

Upstairs, the family is gathered around the breakfast table. Brary (I’m trying out couple nicknames for Branson and Mary…Manson?) are trying to get Lord “Donk” Crawley to agree to build ugly houses on a field and Rose’s long-lost father is apparently back from whichever colony he’d gone off to. Because he hasn’t complained for two whole breaths, Donk jumps in to remind everyone that Tom is a socialist. His future-wife Mary nobly comes to his aid.

At the field in question, Donk keeps acting like an angry old man about these ugly houses. Oh wait, he is an angry old man.

The old ladies travel to another town to see the Russians in a sad church basement. Really, they are coming for the Prince, obviously. Violet, so forward! I thought you were all about having the man pursue you! I thought you were a Rules girl! The Prince seems cool with it though, as he speaks romantically about how sad his life is in his sexy Russian accent.

Downstairs, First Footman Molesley is flummoxed by silver.

In the church basement, Violet tells the sad Prince: “Hope is a tease, designed to prevent us accepting reality.” #ExistentialistViolet

In the village, Donk and Mary discuss Rose’s dad Shrimpy’s impending likely divorce. So glad Shrimpy is back because his name! And scandalous divorce! Watch out, Donk, Cora might get ideas.

Downstairs, the Bateses pretend to each other that they both don’t know who murdered the Rapist.

In Violet’s drawing room, the Old Ladies Club meets to discuss boyz boyz boyz, specifically how Violet had, at the very least, an emotional affair with the Prince, to which her husband was like, babe, come on, let’s stay together for the kids!

Downstairs, Patmore is getting pissed at Bookish Daisy for reading so many goddamn books (#KidsTheseDays) and Thomas is stealing spoons (#DidHeJustDevelopADrugHabitOnVacation).

At Isobel’s house, her Fancy Suitor shows up to the sounds of goofball music. He seems really nervous, which you can tell because of the way he takes off his hat and the afore-mentioned music. Nervous because he’s about to propose to Isobel to the now romantic music. His proposal turns out to be pretty great, so great that, even though Isobel is incapable of love after the loss of her entire family, he makes a sort of compelling case, plus he’s got those fancy gardens and the big house. Isobel’s no dummy so she says she’ll think it over.

Back at the Abbey, Angry Donk has another bee in his hairpiece bonnet: the Art Guy is coming back for another visit. In a corner, Edith mopes over Marigold. Everyone pretends to care about Edith for about half a second and then they remember they don’t even care enough to pretend to care. Manson looks attractive in another corner and tries very passively to convince Donk to put the ugly houses on the field.

Downstairs, horrible sounds come from a room containing Thomas. Baxter the Angel tries to help him, but it appears he is going down the dark path of drug abuse. #NewPlotLineAlert #WillHeGetAnEmmy

In Mary’s room, Mary lies to Anna and says she’s “dreading” breaking up with Tony. Seriously, Mary, we all know your greatest happiness comes from making other people incredibly sad.

The nannies parade Babies Sybbie and George through the hall for their required 12 seconds of screen time.

Somewhere, the Old Ladies Tea Club meets and boyz are once again on the agenda. This time, Isobel talks about the Fancy Suitor and admits she is going to think about his super romantic, now viral, proposal video. #WhereWasTheFlashMob

In the library, Edith has heard a development about Michael and his attackers in Germany, who are going on trial. She cries and, in a surprise move, Donk doesn’t laugh in her face or tell her to shut the hell up.

At a fashion show in London, Rosamund grills Mary for intel on Edith. Oh, Rosamund, Mary doesn’t even know for sure where Edith lives anymore! And anyway, Mary sees Blake, the Pig Guy and the One She Will Probably Choose. Mary does her best impression of a human smile.

In the village, Edith stalks Marigold.

In London, for some reason, Anna has decided to take a note from Mary to Tony herself. A dangerous looking man sneakily watches her.

Back at the fashion show, Blake brings the girl who Tony jilted to meet Mary. Oh, Blake, that’s dark! I like your style! Maybe you are better choice! Mary decides to go to dinner with him.

At some square in London, Anna wears all black and is now obviously being followed.

At home, Marigold is also being followed. By her mom.

Downstairs, Carson and Hughes are trolling Molesley by assigning him lots of tasks.

At the Baby Watcher’s House, Edith is about to get a restraining order put out on her.

In the library, Donk and Carson look on as Patmore gives a rousing speech on PTSD and how her nephew is just as much a casualty of war as anyone. #SupportOurTroops Patmore leaves and Cora comes in so Donk can grumble misogynistically and obnoxiously at her about the Art Guy’s impending arrival.

Downstairs, Carson continues to prank Molesley by giving him more and more work. Carson, you are such a scamp!

At dinner, Mary and Blake bond over their unbreakable hearts, Blake in a stoic way and Mary in a I-don’t-actually-have-a-heart kind of way.

In the drawing room, Violet has zero sympathy for Edith. Rather, she’s interested in finding her Prince’s wife, with Shrimpy’s help. So interested that she tells Shrimpy she won’t take sides in his divorce situation because “she doesn’t take sides” (read: there is something she wants out of him).

Also in attendance in the drawing room: the rest of the upstairs cast and the Art Guy. They gather to discuss inviting the School Teacher to dinner, hopefully to teach Donk some kind of lesson.

In the library, Shrimpy and Donk talk man stuff. #LadiesAmmiright

Downstairs, Baxter and Thomas have a whole conversation about Thomas’ new “treatment” without ever facing each other. Is this a British custom?

In the library, Shrimpy tells Rose he and her mommy are getting a divorce, but that they do love her soooo much! Rose seems pretty okay with it and then, typical Rose, turns the conversation back to herself and her romantic prospects. Your dad needs someone to listen right now, Rose!

Upstairs, Cora and the Art Guy talk about “art” and by “art” I mean how beautiful Cora is and how she’s going to make him “burst.” #SlightlySuggestive

In London, Mary is in the midst of breaking up with Tony, which IMO she should have done via text because now he’s saying things like, “Am I a bad lover?” and “Well, I refuse to accept it!” Oh no, not this old song and dance…

Downstairs, Molesley the Wimp gives up his title because, as usual, the trolls win and also he hates work.

Upstairs, you can tell the show is drawing to a close because the School Teacher shows up with her political rhetoric, saying to Tom, “I can’t bear for you to waste your life propping up a system that’s dying!”

Downstairs, the sneaky music plays as Baxter reads Thomas’ magazine and figures out his secret (he’s treating himself for his man-loving tendencies?).

At the dinner table, Cora’s body language toward the Art Guy is almost more obscene than Jimmy’s Old Boss’s was the night she overtly sexually harassed Jimmy, or at least that’s what Violet’s dagger eyes are saying from across the table.

The table talk turns to the School Teacher, of course, and it comes out that Donk doesn’t know Daisy’s name!!! OMG, Donk! Mary comes to his rescue, but another fight gets underway. Now they have decided to bring Daisy and Patmore up from the bowels of the house to tell them who is better, Donk or Teacher.

Upstairs, the Bateses flirt in Mary’s room until Anna resumes her role as the Sarah Koenig of Downton and tries to get to the bottom of Adnan’s…I mean, Bates’ timeline.

At dinner, Daisy and Patmore are brought up for their humiliation so Donk and/or the Teacher can prove some sort of point. Is that point that they are both jerks? Their point is proven in spades when the Teacher just insults Donk for the heck of it and then Fragile Donk has a meltdown in front of his family and tells her never to come back. Hey, guys? Neither of you is super great.

Downstairs, the servants are all in a flutter over the Big Fight.

In the bedroom, Donk takes his rage out on Cora, per usual.

In the hall on the way to the bedrooms, Manson flirt with each other in a fun, sexy, familial way.

Downstairs, Daisy inspires Patmore to stand up against the Man and write a letter about PTSD. #HeartsAndMinds

Also downstairs, the cops are back and apparently this Rapist Murder is the Case of the Century because there is a plainclothes officer watching Tony’s house. Round-the-clock surveillance seems a bit overboard for a cold case that involves one jackass valet. Now apparently Anna is a suspect. Grrreat.

At Violet’s, Shrimpy has found the Prince’s wife in Hong Kong and Violet is sort of glad, but also calls her a prostitute.

On a walk through the grounds, Manson and Donk discuss last night’s meltdown and the Political School Teacher. Isis, the dog, says nothing. As the music swells, Donk explains why he hates the ugly houses and is actually an environmentalist and will find a green building company that will build locally-sourced homes. Suddenly, due to the music and his monologue-ing, he is a hero saying: “We will build. We’ll even make money for the estate. But we won’t destroy what people love about this place.”

They all pose as if for a picture and credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Blake: I like your sly moves, dude! After Tony’s freak out on Mary, I am definitely on #TeamBlake.

4. Tom: I’m kidding about that #TeamBlake stuff because obviously I am actually #TeamManson. You guys look so cute together! And think how sad you would make Edith and how angry you would make Donk!

3. Violet: For calling a former Russian princess a prostitute. Kudos.

2. Shrimpy: Your wife was awful. Time to head back to a tropical colony and get your groove back, girl!

1. The Fancy Suitor: I really liked your proposal!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

The Internet has been ablaze today with rumors that Downton Abbey will end after its next season. Don’t freak out just yet though! No one seems to be able to provide hard evidence to support the theory. But maybe ending Downton wouldn’t be such a terrible idea, considering that the show’s quality is not what it once was when Sybil was alive and well, showing off her harem pants.

This season has had its moments — Edith’s accidental act of arson, Mary’s sex positive ways, everything Maggie Smith has done or said — but, as a whole, it has felt like a trudge. If this truly is the end, here are some humble suggestions on what should happen to the characters we have grown to love (and the ones we just put up with):

You might think this show is all about Mary, but you’re wrong. The true star is Edith, patron saint of all misunderstood middle children. I see Edith moving to Germany during the lead up to World War II and infiltrating the Nazi party so that she may exact revenge on whoever killed Michael a.k.a. that dude who knocked her up, didn’t marry her, and promptly vanished. Edith decides to prove everyone wrong and change the course of history by assassinating Hitler. She inevitably screws it up because she’s Edith and is put into a witness protection program under the pseudonym Jan Brady.

Speaking of tragic figures, poor Thomas has been pigeon-holed as the evil, miserable gay trope for the past five seasons. I see Thomas taking his spoon and drugs and moving to the big city, where he meets Virginia Woolf, while walking around Bloomsbury. She helps him get clean and begs to set him up on a blind date! “It’s not just because you’re both gay!” she promises. He relents and his blind date is no other than E.M. Forster, famed writer and fellow wistful closet case. Thomas’ emo-ness cancels out Forster’s emo-ness and they live happily ever after.

For once in her life, Mary doesn’t get what she wants. She dies from shock.

The Dowager Countess gets a very late acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She is outraged by the faux pas, but eventually enrolls. She is sorted into all the houses ’cause she’s got it like that. While studying for her Transfiguration exam, she accidentally ends up Benjamin Button-ing herself. She begins to age backwards and, decades later, goes by her nickname Hermione so that no one asks questions about why she knows how to correctly pronounce Wingardium Leviosa. She doesn’t end up with Ron.

Cora Crawley realizes her marriage sucks and has a meltdown on her bathroom floor before getting a divorce. She rebounds with that art dealer who likes her opinions. That doesn’t end well, inspiring her to move to Italy to eat pasta and not have sex, then over to India for a yoga teacher training, and finally ending up in Bali where she gets her groove back. She writes all about the experience, but is too humble to show it to anyone. Her great granddaughter, Elizabeth Gilbert, inherits the manuscript and puts her name on it.

Branson moves to America and starts a labor union and a soup kitchen and other neat stuff. He gives a really awesome speech at the DNC and becomes a frontrunner for the presidency. Opponents demand to see his birth certificate. He’s like, you know what, this isn’t worth it. His hair never turns grey.

Daisy inherits her dead husband’s farm and fills it with all kinds of math books. She studies her ass off and ends up helping Alan Turing crack Nazi codes, which is later documented in a film called The Imitation Game. Her scenes are unfortunately left on the cutting room floor because patriarchy.

Patmore and Hughes experience a challenging second Saturn return and take to the road. They kill a rapist in a parking lot and rob some stores and put a cop in his own trunk. With the law hot on their trail, they drive their convertible off a cliff and parachute into a hidden valley where they start a super cool women’s collective.

Anna realizes Bates is kind of creepy and dumps him. She parlays her changing-other-people’s-clothes-for-them skills into a career as the person who helps pop stars get into their next costume between songs. She eventually inspires Madonna’s fake British accent.

After he squanders his fortune because he’s terrible at everything, Lord Grantham finds himself alone. Years of ignoring/being rude to the women in his life apparently wasn’t a great life strategy. The only one who stands by his side is Isis, the dog. Grantham runs out of dog treats one day and Isis eats him.

The End!

How do you hope things end at Downton? Leave it in the comments! 

Welcome back fellow Abbey-ites. Come in! Episode 5 awaits! Always remember the old refrain: Spoiler alert. On to our story!

A car pulls up to the Abbey and it is Rosamund, greeted only by Cora and a handful of the staff. Oh, how I miss the days of a full house greeting party and the possibility of Thomas tripping Bates.

In the library, No-Longer-First-Footman Molesley arrives with a tray and Rose reads out loud to the family about a nudist colony. Lord, please take us to the nudist colony! (Note: this week in crossover news, The Bachelor did a whole thing based on the new Cinderella movie which is starring…Rose as Cinderella! And Daisy is one of her evil step sisters! Let’s all go watch together! Maybe Branson can drive us!)

It turns out, of course, that Rosamund is visiting specifically to tell Edith that this “farmer’s child” business isn’t fooling anyone.

The action continues in the library where Lord “Donk” Crawley discusses a “bash” he is throwing and a trip he is taking and Violet asks Isobel about her romantic proposal. Will it progress into a viral video wedding flash mob dance anytime soon?

Downstairs, it looks like Patmore is becoming a hoity-toity rich lady, basically a Paris Hilton-style heiress, since she was left “a few hundred quid” by an old relative. She asks Carson for investment advice and Hughes is like, hey, I love him, but Carson is waaay out of the loop in terms of money stuff, ask someone else (he probably lost their entire life savings in a Ponzi scheme). Of course, Carson is bummed, but Hughes is always right.

In Rosamund’s room, Rosamund promises not to eat Edith over the whole Marigold situation. In fact, she wants to see the baby since she’s heard she’s sooo cute. At least Edith has an ally now in her battle against the Baby Watcher’s Wife. Or does she…?

Downstairs, the sergeant is coming back and this time he’s coming for Anna and Mary. Get your stories straight, ladies. The Downton Feminist Society needs you to remain united!

At the Doctor’s office, Meddling Violet is trying to get the Doctor to do something about Isobel’s potential super-high-class marriage by convincing him that Isobel has been brainwashed into an aristocrat. The Doctor, smart and admirable as always says: “Are you saying that you liked her better when she was more middle class? Do you perhaps resent the idea of a change of position for Mrs. Crawley?” You know what I think the problem is? That and also Violet doesn’t want to lose her only friend!

At the Baby Watcher’s Farm, Edith the Stalker has brought Rosamund to view the random baby she has no connection to (I swear; stop asking)! Edith’s maternal pull is always just barely below the surface, but Rosamund completely blows her cover when she says: “Goodbye, dear. Remember your…[most pregnant pause of all time ever]…remember your friend, Rosamund.” Marigold starts crying because her aunt is so terrible at subtlety!

In the downstairs hall, Carson and Mrs. Hughes a.k.a. Ross and Rachel have a philosophical discussion about their place in society as members of the service class. Molesley interrupts, as usual, with bad news about the over-zealous police, back again to interrogate the ladies.

In Mary’s room, Anna and Mary do not take a minute to make sure they are both telling the cops the same thing.

In the rainy village, Tom is (hopefully please please please) breaking up with the School Teacher. “You mean I’ve made it them or me?” she asks. Wait, was the School Teacher in a dissociative state every time she came to dinner? Like, it was a psychic break that caused her to be so obnoxious and then she immediately forgot about it? Anyway, Tom is over this relationship. He’s going to change things from the inside! He can’t be seen with these idealistic hippies, traipsing around in bare feet with flowers in their hair!

In the library, Mary is being grilled by the Law & Order: Semi-Suspicious Deaths in London team. She’s a good liar but horrible at telling the truth, which means Anna is definitely going down for this crime she didn’t commit.

At Violet’s, the Old Ladies Club does a puzzle while quipping about old age, boys, Russians and servants. Violet, heartless as usual, is a bit too gleeful about the discovery that her Prince’s wife is doing menial nursing work in Hong Kong. Taking pleasure in the pain of others: is that written somewhere on the Grantham Family Crest?

Back in the library, the Head Detective tells Anna to not even think about fleeing to Switzerland. He has his eye on her.

In the drawing room, Donk is looking for some contractors, a job he is guaranteed to mess up, but it’s not just him on the line this time because Carson, now trying super hard to know about investing, perks up when he says: “Of course, we should all be putting money into building. Fortunes will be made over the next few years.” Step away, Carson! Remember, Donk has a terrible track record with investing.

In the Russian’s town, it’s raining again and Poor My-Hands-Are-Full Roserella is rescued by a Prince Charming with an Umbrella. She invites him to tea and they flirt over the idea of Russians and how cute Roserella is running around in the rain.

In the kitchen, Carson passes off everything he heard from Donk to Patmore, like he’s a Chuck Schwab employee. Ugh, Carson. Please do not lose all of Patmore’s money!

The School Teacher shows up. Apparently she’s quitting because Tom broke up with her. Oh, come on, girl! Have some self respect!

In the hall, Thomas Who Once Wanted Friends evilly pumps Hughes for information on the Law & Order episode filming upstairs. It’s hard for him to be menacing because he’s so pale he looks like he might die at any moment. But still, he’s committed to his one mode and he does it well.

In Donk and the Lady’s room, it becomes clear that the Art Guy is going to come for a visit while Donk is away. Will the Art Guy finally burst?

At some mystical portal between upstairs and down, Daisy hails Branson to the threshold and begs him to reconsider the School Teacher (ugh no).

At dinner, Roserella talks about her new love interest, Atticus. He doesn’t need a nickname; Atticus is great. Apparently, he’s the son of a Lord so no more jazz singers (thank god for Donk’s sake).

Thomas gets whiter and whiter. He will be passing out at any moment, while the swells debate the merits of cocktail parties. The conversation turns didactic as Isobel gives a lecture on manners and customs of the Native Aristocrats and Edith gives a passionate plea for a deeper appreciation of non-cocktail party things (babies named Marigold).

Downstairs, the newest chapter of the Downton Feminist Society, Patmore and Hughes, meet for the first time to discuss the internalized patriarchy that forced Patmore to ask Carson where to invest her money.

Mary and Branson walk up the stairs together to romantic music and Tom says: “I’m on the brink of a decision.” Please say it’s the decision to sweep Mary off her feet!!

In a garden, Violet grills Rosamund like she’s a Law & Order detective. Rosamund buckles almost immediately.

At the Baby Watcher’s Farm, Edith is fully out of control. The Baby Watcher is like, dude, you need to tone it down some or my crazy wife is going to make us leave the village!

At Violet’s, The Fancy Suitor and the Doctor try to win over Isobel with their knowledge of goiters.

Downstairs, the Bateses talk about the murder, which Bates did and Anna is about to go to jail forever for.

In the village, once again it is raining and Tom appears on the verge of doing something lame and romantic. The School Teacher tells him she’s “loved him.” Woo, girl, this is not The Bachelor. You don’t have to fabricate emotions because something seemingly romantic is happening. Tom kisses the Teacher, but she leaves anyway, thank god. Do not text her, Tom. Let it go!

At Downton, the Art Guy arrives as Donk in his fancy uniform leaves for Sheffield. Time for some explosions! Cora is already giving him sexy sidelong glances.

In the Russian’s basement, Atticus is back to see Roserella. The Russians seem especially bitter today, especially when they find out that Atticus is actually a Russian Jew (shout out to my people!). So yeah, Roserella is about to get romantic with a Jew! Sure, he’s no jazz singer, but you can bet Donk will be at least mildly scandalized (he’s probably forgotten that Cora is half Jewish by now).

At dinner in London, Blake has set Mary up on a three-way blind date with him and That Girl Tony Jilted.

Downstairs, Evil Thomas is dying.

Back in London, it looks like Blake is trying to get That Girl Tony Jilted to take him back so Mary is free to Sex Vacation elsewhere. Hypothesis: Blake is an American Psycho-style sociopath.

Back at Downton, everyone mingles post-dinner and replays the various plot points of the episode.

In the library, Violet and Rosamund have a new plan to destroy Edith’s life, which is take Marigold to France. Dear Edith: Do something! Free Marigold!

Downstairs, Baxter finally tells Molesley about the circumstances of her heist, which make her an okay alright person.

In the downstairs office, the Feminist Society tells Carson that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle, but in a very gentle, non-disruptive way. Later, they will burn their bras, privately.

Upstairs, the Art Guy skulks through the hall to Cora’s room and Donk arrives home. Cora asks the Art Guy to leave, but he won’t. Donk ascends the stairs. The Art Guy tells Cora he’s the only one who cares about her. Donk opens the door. He’s not happy at the scene before him. The Art Guy has some panache, it turns out, and, on his way out, says: “When you chose to ignore a woman like Cora, you must have known that not every man would be as blind as you!” Donk is basically an animal so predictably he goes hard at the Art Guy, a punch and then some grappling as Cora yells: “Stop!” Then Edith comes to the door and everyone freezes. It’s very disconcerting, but I guess that’s because I’m not British? Donk lets the Art Guy go and then goes to sleep in his own room in an attempt to slut shame Cora.

Downstairs, Thomas and the Bateses act mysterious.

A rug is rolled, flowers are set out, the Art Guy leaves and everyone gets ready for a cocktail party. Cora looks sadly out the window of her gilded cage.

And now, the cocktail party! People mingle and Donk gives Cora the silent treatment. For some reason (she’s senile?), Violet starts talking about Marigold to Edith at this very public event and how the only option is to not be her mom. Seems like a conversation better kept for a time more private with less alcohol, but who am I to say?

Downstairs, Book Worm Daisy cannot be stopped by the departure of the School Teacher. She’s interrupted by Edith wanting to use the phone. She’s calling London. Why? Find out next week on Downton Abbey!

Character Ranking:

5. The Fancy Suitor: Don’t underestimate this guy! He knows goiters!

4.  Atticus: Roserella’s newest love interest is a Russian Jew! We’re probably related!

3. Branson: Way to drop the zero. Time to get with the hero (Mary).

2. Patmore: You’re a feminist now. What you had is what we call a “feminist awakening.” Congrats!

1. Edith: Call London! Take your baby back!!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Some people tune in on Super Bowl Sunday for the halftime show. Others for the sport. And then there’s the crowd that is in it for the commercials. Somehow, for four hours every year, advertisers have been able to convince us not to talk or Instagram through the commercials and instead open ourselves up to laughing, cringing, but mostly crying at the stories they’ve cooked up. This year, Mindy Kaling walks through a car wash, Nationwide kills a kid to teach us a lesson, and Steve Buscemi becomes Jan Brady.

Most Likely to Make Everyone Stop Insisting They’re Not Feminists: Always: ‘#LikeAGirl‘

Do you know someone who says stuff like “We don’t need feminism anymore” or “I’m not a feminist”? If so, please send them this commercial that exposes how deep misogyny goes in our culture. Oh, and next time someone does say “throw like a girl,” show them this Sports Illustrated cover. Who run the world? Girls!

Most Likely to Make You Think of Your First Chat Room Boyfriend/Girlfriend: BMW i3: ‘Newfangled Idea’

More than 20 years ago, Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel were confounded by the @ sign and asked someone to explain what the hell the Internet was on live television. Now, they’re wondering what an emissions-free car is. This commercial doesn’t make me want to buy a car, but it does make me wonder where my first chat room boyfriend ended up. Maybe the same place as all those free AOL trial CDs?

Most Likely to Make You Paranoid Enough to Home School Your Kids: Nationwide: ‘Make Safe Happen’

Pardon my French, but wtf? You’re drinking a cold beer and enjoying your friends’ company and then Nationwide kills a kid. Party foul.

Most Likely to Make You Get a Twitter Account Just So You Can Ask Mindy Kaling to Be Your BFF: Nationwide, ‘Invisible Mindy’

If you don’t have time to watch the latest Mindy Project episode, just watch this instead. Mindy walks through a car wash, stuffs her face with mint ice cream the same way you do when you’re home alone, and tries to make out with Matt Damon. Jennifer Lawrence needs to do something kooky and relatable really quickly or she’s going to be dethroned as our favorite imaginary bestie.

Most Likely to Give You Nightmares When You Accidentally Fall Asleep During Savasana: Squarespace, ‘Om’

Jeff Bridges sits over sleeping people chanting Om and playing a meditation bowl. The start of a horror movie or a reminder that you should probably start going to yoga again (if you dare).

Most Likely to Make You Cancel Your Plans to Rewatch The Brady Bunch Movie: Snickers: ‘The Brady Bunch’

Some intern over at Snickers headquarters probably went up to her boss and was like, “Hey, The Brady Bunch is having a major moment on Tumblr right now.” And the rest is advertising history, with Danny Trejo as Marcia and Steve Buscemi as Jan.

Most Likely to Make You Resolve to Take Fewer Selfies: T-Mobile, ‘#KimsDataStash’

Kim Kardashian is here to remind us that she still can’t act and that you probably take too many selfies and that you should never tell anyone you still watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians and something about how your data plan sucks.

Most Likely to Bring Up Memories of Playing Goldeneye 007 on Nintendo 64: Kia: ‘The Perfect Getaway’

Pierce Brosnan plays off of his most famous role (no, not the run-by fruiting victim from Mrs. Doubtfire) in this James Bond-esque car ad. All the explosions and dangers will have you longing for your N64 controller in no time.

Most Likely to Make You Want to Rewatch Homeward Bound: Budweiser: ‘Lost Dog’

For the past couple of years, Budweiser has been using cute horses and puppies to pull at our heartstrings. You might think this strategy would stop working. You’d be wrong. In this year’s visit to the farm, a puppy finds himself far from home and must make a long trek back. Some wolf tries to cause trouble, but the puppy is rescued by the stable’s horses. Cheers!

Most Likely to Make You Wonder Whether Your Grandparents Still Have Sex: Fiat, ‘Little Blue Pill’

A horny, old Italian man drops his last Viagra pill out the window and it travels all over the village before plopping into the tank of a Fiat. The car then gets a boner. I wish I was making this up. R.I.P. Advertising/Art/All things sacred.

By Aya de Leon

I see a trend over the past 20+ years: cop shows offer female audiences what we’ve been craving—strong, complicated, brilliant women protagonists—yet there seems to be a sexual violence “trade-off.” Older, more experienced women get to be powerful investigators, but the cases they get to investigate include disproportionate (and graphic) representations of violence against younger women and girls.

The Fall, for example, follows Belfast detective Stella Gibson, played by Gillian Anderson (The X-Files), a brilliant, independent female lead who defies convention. According to TV critic Emily Hashimoto, “It is clear that the detective is in charge of herself without any shame and guilt-ridden trappings often bestowed on female characters. Too often, women in TV and film are cast as incapable in their professional lives, waylaid by personal issues or a hysterical abundance of emotions….it is utterly refreshing to see a female character be good at her job without worrying about having a boyfriend or children.” However, the antagonist is “a serial killer…who favors targeting pretty young professional women,” Hashimoto says. “We see the way he stalks and plans; we see his violence.”

In The Bletchley Circle, we have a 1950s historical drama about four women who must return to civilian life after cracking Nazi codes during WWII. Sworn to secrecy about their classified work, they have to fit back into a world that denies the existence of their intelligence and crushes their ambition. They begin to investigate a series of murders that the police have gotten wrong. And you guessed it: the serial killer preys on women (the second season continues with more than one case featuring sexual violence).

Perhaps we have the U.K. to thank for this trend. In 1991, Prime Suspect premiered on ITV, starring Helen Mirren as Detective Chief Inspector, one of the first females to hold the position in Greater London’s Metropolitan Police Service. Her original case involves the rape and murder of a young woman.

On this side of the Atlantic, the trend escalated in 1999 with Law & Order: Special Victims Unit with the ascension of detective Olivia Benson. It seems that one “advantage” of shows with bright female protagonists that investigate violence against women is that the villain can turn his sights on the show’s heroine. This certainly happens in both seasons of Bletchley, and most famously with SVU’s Benson being kidnapped by a sadistic rapist/murderer. Violence-on-the-job also affects Brenda Leigh Johnson, a Los Angeles Police Department Deputy Chief, played by Kyra Sedgwick in TNT’s The Closer.

There seem to be no age boundaries for many of these shows, offering stories of toddlers and small children who are raped and/or killed. In the pilot of the U.S. version of Prime Suspect, a woman is raped and murdered in front of her children. I had to stop watching, several shows later, when an episode featured the confession of a convicted sex offender. It was the dramatization of the perverse pleasure he took in sexually assaulting a child that was the deal-breaker.

These things happen and we must acknowledge them so we can end violence against women and children. However, giving airtime to the perspectives of the abusers is troubling. I can’t get that guy’s voice out of my head, even years later. But it’s not just the children, it’s the ever-escalating sexual violence, mostly against woman and girls, episode after episode.

Part of the problem is that these shows take this kind of violence as a fact of life. Even Helen Mirren herself has criticized such casual violence. According to The Independent, Mirren spoke out “against the extensive images of dead young women in contemporary dramas. Agreeing with playwright David Hare’s recent remark that he ‘can’t stand the body count in contemporary drama,’ Ms. Mirren…added: ‘Most of those bodies are young women.’” There’s no parallel interest in shows about women healing from sexual violence, or shows about changing the society to prevent such violence from happening, only the ratings-grabbing police procedurals with the glorified and desensitizing violence.

The same year that the U.S. Prime Suspect debuted, so did another police procedural with a strong female lead: Fox’s The Chicago Code. This series featured an ensemble cast, with Jennifer Beals starring as the newly appointed first-female Chicago Police Superintendent, Teresa Colvin. Colvin vows to clean up Chicago’s notorious corruption, and sets her sights on a corrupt alderman. The Chicago Code has the same suspenseful cat-and-mouse structure, where we see the hero and the villain stalking and trying to outsmart each other. But in this series, violence against women is not at the center, rather it’s the integrity of a city. The show was cancelled after its first season.

I’m left with a chicken or egg question: is the culture of TV simply preoccupied with violence against women and it develops shows with strong female protagonists in order to capture women audiences? Or do producers worry that shows with strong female leads will fail to attract broad audiences unless they offer an underlying violent threat against female power and autonomy overall?

Either way, I find myself dropping these shows from my watch lists. I miss following the lives and minds of the protagonists, but it’s just not worth it.

After months of speculation, controversy and high hopes, Fresh Off the Boat finally arrived last night. The show, based off the unflinchingly honest memoir of restaurateur/general badass Eddie Huang, fit snugly among ABC’s other family-friendly Wednesday night sitcoms (the unstoppable Modern Family and unexceptionally likable The Middle). The show, like the book, chronicles Huang’s formative years growing up in very white Orlando in a very Taiwanese family. It’s non-offensively funny, sweet and cute; everything Huang feared it would be.

Not one to keep his feelings to himself, Huang penned a fiery essay for New York Magazine, in which he called out the network and people he worked with for attempting to water down his story. As he saw it, they were trying to make his authentic Taiwanese Chairman baos into Orange Chicken from Panda Express.

I began to regret ever selling the book, because Fresh Off the Boat was a very specific narrative about SPECIFIC moments in my life…The network’s approach was to tell a universal, ambiguous, cornstarch story about Asian-Americans resembling moo goo gai pan written by a Persian-American who cut her teeth on race relations writing for Seth MacFarlane. But who is that show written for?

That’s the central question Huang has been wrestling with since Fresh off the Boat began an arduous journey to become a sitcom on the increasingly colorful network. And now that the show is out for public consumption, it’s a question audiences have to answer too.

Huang is right to be angry at the idea that his show needs to be “Americanized” to become palatable to an audience. (We all know “American” is a friendly euphemism for white and male.) His book is bawdy, it doesn’t shy away from the complexities of race and feelings of otherness, and it’s rife with those wonderfully awkward life lessons that transform children into the adults they’ll one day become. Most importantly, it reveals new dimensions to what it means to be Asian in America, going beyond stereotypes to delve into the hearts of the people­­—his people. Basically, it’s the stuff of great television.

Yet as Huang aptly points out in his essay, his very specific perspective doesn’t jibe with the myth that Americans are all one in the same.

While ABC may feel they need to sanitize the messiness of Huang’s life to make it universally relatable, they’re wrong. What makes the show relatable is that Huang is different. Everyone, everywhere feels like an outsider looking in at some point in his or her life, which is how young Eddie feels most of the time. Eddie’s different from his Lunchable-eating classmates, from his freewheeling neighbor, even from his swagger-less family. It’s those recounted memories that made the book a New York Times bestseller and it’s those onscreen moments that pull viewers in, bringing the show to life.

As a non-Asian American from a non-immigrant background, this show is not for me (ABC airs mine on Wednesdays at 9:30 and Thursdays from 9-11 PM). That’s okay; I’m going to keep watching. Although a show like Fresh Off the Boat doesn’t tell my exact story, I can still be entertained and educated by what I see; maybe more so because I’m looking at the world with the fresh eyes of foreigner.

Despite all his frustration with the show, even Huang can see that the audience he intended is broader than anything he ever imagined.

This show isn’t about me, nor is it about Asian America…Sell them pasteurized network television with East Asian faces until they wake up intolerant of their own lactose, and hit ‘em with the soy.

So now it’s up to us as audience; if we like what we see—and there’s a lot to like—then ask for more. If we let networks decide what we want and how we want it, then we’ll continue to have a television landscape that doesn’t accurately reflect the true diversity of the America they’re trying to please. So let them know that you’ll slide over your mac ‘n’ cheese to make room for something new.

‘Twas ever thus: seasons change, dogs molt and stars of phenomenally popular television shows junk their secure employment for “exciting new roles.” Downton Abbey, now in its fifth season (9pm Sundays on KQED 9) is no stranger to departing actors—many of whom came to the Crawley estate from very different roles, or have since gone on to unexpected things. So to all those still missing Matthew, Sybil et al, I say: why not let that aching sense of loss be your spur to discover some dark, strange and under-appreciated stuff these actors have given the world before or since Downton?

Dan Stevens (as Matthew Crawley, last seen in 2012’s Christmas Special)

Why not watch him in: The Guest (2014)

Well, I’ll be damned if little Matthew Crawley wasn’t responsible for the best — but also most underrated — American thriller of last year (even better than Nightcrawler!). The Guest was the movie for which Dan Stevens got buff and jumped the Good Ship Downton to widespread outcry — particularly in his native Britain, where ridiculing homegrown stars who exhibit any sense of ambition to “crack America” is basically a national pastime. On the evidence of this irresistible homage to 1980s thrillers, the doubters should now be eating humble pie, or at least they would be, if anyone had actually seen it. (The Guest made barely over $300,000 in the U.S., and was met with a critical reception best described as “eh?”)

Mis-sold as a horror film on the back of director-writer team Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett’s 2011’s previous family-in-peril movie, the preposterously enjoyable You’re Next, this movie is totally Stevens’ show. Physically unrecognizable as the same gentle Matthew who stole your mother’s heart, he’s the titular Guest: the wiry, intense David who turns up unannounced on the doorstep of a bereaved family introducing himself as a soldier who served alongside their late son. He’s quickly invited to “stay awhile,” and he’s soon drinking beer with the grieving parents, picking up their troubled son from school and hogging the bathroom from their 20 year-old daughter. But as he inveigles himself further into their lives, ominous questions arise. Why doesn’t David have any I.D? Why is he trying to buy a gun? And why do people all around them keep getting injured or turning up dead?

Thanks to its insistent electro-synth score, splashy neon palette and taciturn lead hardman prone to bursts of extreme violence, The Guest has been characterized online as “Drive with a sense of humor,” but really that’s overselling Drive. It’s clear that David’s unnerving demeanor, ambiguous intentions, and his Terminator bar-brawl moves all point towards something very bad about to go down. What sets this movie apart from a thousand other generic thrillers is a) its gleeful refusal to let a well-worn plot play out how you’re expecting and b) its deep love of the “relentless foe” movies (Halloween, The Hitcher, Terminator) to which it’s paying tribute.

Whether Stevens is charming his dead pal’s mother, entrancing the aforementioned sister in a much-Tumblred bathroom scene or mounting a disproportionately vicious assault on some unfortunate high school bullies, he’s compelling, terrifying and — most refreshingly — really funny, with a sly sense of humor that’s totally crucial to this movie’s infectious absurdity. (Just watch the way he rolls his eyes and tuts in exasperation while dodging bullets.) Right up until the climactic showdown that mischievously literalizes the true horror of your high-school prom, Stevens just gets the inherent ridiculousness of the lone-wolf archetype that Ryan Gosling made so ultimately uninteresting, and its a joy to watch. So if all Downton alumni’s forays into the world of action movies are this good, step up, Carson; Liam Neeson can’t keep hogging the middle-aged hero niche forever!

Jessica Brown Findlay (as Lady Sybil, last seen in Season 3)

Why not watch her in: Black Mirror, “Fifteen Million Merits”

Lady Sybil was the first real Downton character to be sacrificed to an actor’s ambitions. Unlike Dan Stevens, she clearly harbored no desire to ‘cast off the corset,’ choosing instead a series of costumed roles. Unfortunately, her first major movie after exiting the show was the widely-derided period 2014 fantasy Winter’s Tale with Colin Farrell. (Fun fact: Martin Scorsese apparently turned down the chance to direct that adaptation of Mark Helprin’s 1983 novel, calling it “unfilmable.” When Martin Scorsese says he literally doesn’t know how he’d make your film, maybe this is a red flag?)

No matter: as you sip your Lady Sybil Memorial Martini on a Sunday night in front of Downton Season 5, consider next firing up the episode of British satire/science fiction Black Mirror that Brown Findlay starred in back in 2011. Now on Netflix in its entirety (which is the reason everyone you know and their dog is now talking about it), this British show is best described as a technophobe Twilight Zone, with each stand-alone episode envisioning a different nightmarish way our obsession with all things digital might destroy our humanity.

“Fifteen Million Merits” imagines a dystopian tower-block world in which bovine citizens spend most of their waking hours pedaling on exercise bikes to earn “merits” that can be used to skip the incessant advertising that literally surrounds them. The one glimpse of humanity in this hideous world is the budding affinity between protagonist Bing and a girl named Abi (Brown Findlay), whom he overhears singing and encourages to audition live on TV for the thinly-veiled X-Factor-style talent show that occupies their screens in between commercials. Unfortunately, this gesture of friendship and self-determination sparks their descent into a worse Hell than the one they inhabit: the world of reality television. Sweet, innocent Lady Sybil makes it down the elevator, through the teeming bodies waiting for their moment of stardom and onto the stage in front of the judges — but there’s a price for girls who don’t make the cut.

Admittedly, Black Mirror is never quite as subversive or cutting-edge as it believes itself to be, and its didacticism about the insidious evils of the screens that surround us (the “black mirrors” of the title) is about as subtle as having an actual TV smashed over your head. But each of its episodes are guaranteed to be the strangest things you’ll watch on a screen this year and, in that sense, its ambition can’t be faulted. And if its all too depressing? At least there’s a bonus for lovers of costumed dramas: Rupert Everett as one of the odious talent show judges.

Siobhan Finneran (Sarah O’Brien, last seen in Season 4)

Why not watch her in: Boy A

If that Black Mirror episode is too pessimistic for you, then for goodness’ sake don’t go near this next one. Before playing lady’s maid/certified bad egg Sarah O’Brien in Downton — last seen absconding to India, in search of bigger and brighter lady’s maid opportunities — Siobhan Finneran was a reliable face around British film and TV for years. Her roles were often in mysteries and crime dramas, but surely none so bleak as 2007’s Boy A, a sparse drama charting the plight of a young man (a young Andrew Garfield, of The Amazing Spiderman fame) newly-released from prison for a murder he and a friend committed aged just 10 years old.

After spending over half of his life behind bars, the shy 24 year-old known only as “Boy A” during his trial is given a new name, a new identity and a fresh start in a town far away from his previous life. Desperate for normality and to leave his unspeakable past behind him, “Jack” slowly begins to forge friendships with new coworkers (including Shaun Evans, a.k.a. the young Inspector Morse in PBS’ Endeavour) and find a delicate happiness with his first-ever girlfriend. But of course, it can’t last: the tabloid papers have learned that the notorious Boy A has been released from prison and there’s a bounty online for details of his new identity.

Despite its premise (drawing from the infamous 1993 UK murder of the British toddler James Bulger by two 10 year-old boys), Boy A’s handling of the disturbing subject matter is unfailingly sensitive and almost too poignant. Garfield is heartbreaking, as vulnerable as a child in his mannerisms and expressions, making the sparing flashbacks to his childhood before the shocking murder — bullied by his peers, surrounded by adults who are too tired, sick or unfeeling to protect him — doubly unbearable to watch.

As the unsuspecting woman who takes in Jack as her lodger, Siobhan Finneran’s role is a small but crucial one. Ignorant of the true identity of the young man she’s opened her home to, she represents not only the wider community that houses the kind of people like Jack in the real world, but also the deception that safe harbor demands.

While Boy A‘s primary focus is the inadequacies of a society that incarcerates children, it’s her character’s un-O’Brien-ish openness and warmth (glimpsed in the easy silence in which she and Garfield eat their TV dinners side-by-side) that drives home the moral conundrum of this kind of offender rehabilitation. Why? Because to work, it totally relies on her lack of consent. One thing’s for sure: after this and 2010’s sob-fest Never Let Me Go, Andrew Garfield has a whole generation of film-goers conditioned to start weeping at the mere sight of his big brown eyes. Proceed with caution — and tissues.

Ring ring! Who is it? Why, it’s another week of Downton Abbey of course! Spoiler alert, dear friends! Onward!

We begin with a telegram, for Lady Edith. Hughes looks on, concerned, and the telegram passes from Molesley to Carson and finally to Edith as she breakfasts with Rose. The news, of course is not good (this is Edith after all). It’s so bad that Robert “Donk” Grantham breaks his silent treatment to speak with Cora, who appears to be John Lennon-ing it for peace in bed. The news: Edith’s Editor is coming to Downton.

Downstairs, the Downstairs-ites discuss the odds that the news from the Editor is good or bad. Hughes, more an MLK Jr.-type peacemaker than Cora’s John Lennon, tries to help patch up the relationship issues between her BF Carson and her BFF Patmore.

In Mary’s room, Mary the Sociopath makes jokes about her sister’s dead husband. Because her sister’s misery can only hold her interest for so long, she becomes excited about a letter that says Blake and Tony are coming to Downton for a fight to the death over Mary. Or maybe a horse race. Either way, she’s excited.

Elsewhere, the Old Ladies Club meets to play cards and talk about boyz as usual.

Downstairs, Thomas’ treatments are turning him into an evil vampire. His voice is getting lower, his skin paler, and he seems to be smoking cigarettes at every possible moment.

At some sort of lunch, Edith waits for the Editor to show while her family talks merrily about architectural drawings, the health of the common man and Rose’s love interest Atticus (FREE HARPER LEE).

In the Bates’ cottage, the time has finally arrived for Mr. Bates to find and be morally outraged by Mary’s prophylactic.

In a shady alley, Violet takes her new maid on a trip to the Russians.

In a car, unceremoniously, the Editor arrives.

Downstairs, Hughes and Patmore, a.k.a. the newest chapter of the Feminist Society of Downton, decides to include a couple new recruits: Carson (so progressive to add a man!) and Daisy, who is actually too busy learning things to be in the society right now.

In a dingy room, Violet meets her Russian Prince for what is “not [their] first secret assignation.” This time, it’s, ostensibly, to tell the Prince that his wife is probably alive. Instead, as things are wont to do with a certain type of smoldering older nobleman, things get sexy. “If Irina were dead, I’d ask you to run away with me right now,” the Prince tells Violet. “I loved you more than I loved her. Even today. Even this afternoon.” Whoa, boy. Run away with him, Violet! Take Baby Marigold and just go!

Downstairs, the police are calling again. This time, they want to come interview Baxter. Geez Louise. Whose tax dollars are paying for all these trips?? Is this really where the state wants to invest money? Cold cases of jerks getting maybe-murdered?

In the library, Donk comes to tell Cora that they have another child with a dead spouse, though only not-an-official spouse so, like, no harm no foul, right? Plus, I mean, it’s Edith so who really cares? Apparently, Michael was done in by ACTUAL HITLER or else his closest, best buds. History lesson! Apparently Hitler was in jail for a while? But, never mind because Edith just inherited a publishing company! If Violet doesn’t take Marigold and run, I hope Edith does!

At the Baby Watcher’s House (obviously), it is increasingly surprising that the over-zealous English law officials haven’t been called to the scene due to Edith’s problems with stalking.

Downstairs, things are tense. Thomas is nearly dying, Bates One is onto Bates Two re: contraception device and Molesley is just being weird as usual.

At Violet’s, an interpersonal battle between her two servants that was too boring to mention before this seems to have come to a head over a disagreement regarding laundering underwear. It remains nearly too boring to mention.

At the Bates cottage, Bates One is giving Bates Two the silent treatment due to the prophylactic discovery. All the people with living spouses seem to now be not on speaking terms with each other.

In the kitchen, Molesley gives Daisy a book on history.

In Donk’s room, Donk is being his usually childish baby self and refusing to go back into Cora’s room because his lil baby ego is hurt. Hey, Donk, remember when you had actual sex with a maid? Because I remember. And I think Cora has a pretty good idea that happened too.

Donk apparently remembers the maid sex thing and gets out of bed to go join Cora.

Downstairs, the Intrepid Detectives are back for Baxter. Clearly this is Thomas-related.

In the library, Mary, Branson, Donk and Cora look at drawings of houses and Isis lies on the floor like a dog. A sick dog. Oh, Isis, don’t be sick! Don’t leave us! Even if your name is now the same name as an international terror organization! You’re the heart and soul of this show!

Downstairs, Thomas the Dying Villain looks worse than usual. So bad in fact he asks Baxter for help. He has some sort of horrible thing on his body. Baxter should probably just let Thomas die because he ratted her out to just about everyone. But since she’s an Angel from Heaven, she decides to take him to the Doctor. Boooooo!

Somewhere, Mary receives a horrible bob from a fake Frenchman.

At the Doctor’s, it turns out Thomas has just been injecting himself with saline using a dirty needle. So not even a fun or real drug. The Doctor, ever an anachronistic kindly old man, tells Thomas it’s best to just accept yourself for who you are and #ItGetsBetter.

In the rainy village, Baxter the Saint also tells Thomas #ItGetsBetter. Yeah, totally, you guys. It definitely #GetsBetter in roughly 100 years.

In the library, Isis is not so hot. Noooo! I can’t take the death of a character I actually care about!

The Feminist Society’s Secondary Chapter takes a field trip to Patmore’s new house.

In the drawing room, Mary debuts her unflattering haircut. Luckily, Granny’s on the case: “Oh, it is you!” she says. “I thought it was a man wearing your clothes.”

Edith, in black, points out that everyone talking about haircuts the day after her not-husband was confirmed dead is uncool. Of course everyone takes Mary’s side. Hey, Edith, ugh, stop being such a downer. Let your family go to a fun party picnic if they want to!

At the Bates cabin, Bates One calls out Bates Two for thinking he’s a murderer. It turns out that God actually pushed Anna’s Rapist and someone somewhere has the ticket Bates would have used to get to London, but it’s whole which means he never went to London. Verdict: Adnan didn’t do it!!

Downstairs, Molesley decides to become an ally of the Downton Feminist Society and encourages Daisy’s studies.

Downstairs in the hall, Anna asks Hughes if she still has the ticket that would exonerate Bates and prove, again, that he’s not a murderer. Apparently Hughes doesn’t  have the ticket, but, I don’t know, that doesn’t sound like Hughes to me.

At the horse race, the Girl Who Tony Jilted is there with Blake, prepared to race herself. Mary, whose hair and hat combo make her look like Alex from Clockwork Orange, is also joining in the race with the boys. Also, Tony. So it’s going to be a swingers party later at Downton. It’s not just the hair that’s modern, right, guys??

In the library, Edith tells Branson that she’s going away. Who would have thought Edith would escape before Tom though? Wow. I’m actually proud of Edith. I get it. Do you.

At the Baby Watcher’s House, Edith prepares to abscond with her child. The Baby Watcher’s Wife is pretty pissed that the Baby Watcher lied to her about Marigold’s parentage. I mean, I get that. He could have told her and it would have been totally okay. The Baby Watcher smolders harder in the distance than even a Russian Prince. Edith takes Marigold and one hopes they live happily ever after.

At the race, Mary gets ready to outshine her droogs while her family looks on. In what might be the top moment of the season, Baby Sybbie says to her grandfather: “Can I have a look, Donk?” She speaks! And when she speaks, she calls him the correct name!!

Isobel tells Violet she’s decided to marry the Fancy Suitor. What will we call him then, the Fancy Fiancee? The Fancy Husband?

The race begins and of course it isn’t just any race but is in fact a symbolic race for dominance over the droogs! After the race (who won? did it matter?), the family meets Atticus’s Jewish Parents. Violet, who seems to have forgotten her daughter-in-law is one of the Chosen People too, is not excited. Someone tell her about the Jazz Singer, quick!

Back at the house, upstairs, everyone sees that Edith is gone and they are kind of relieved. Violet slips out to go check the Baby Watcher’s Farm for clues.

Downstairs, Hughes and Carson are a little more concerned about Edith’s disappearance because they are not monsters like the Crawley family. I mean, they care a little but only a little because then Carson proposes that they jointly invest in property together! OMG the romance of it all! Hughes basically giggles.

At the Baby Watcher’s Farm, the Baby Watcher continues to smolder in the general direction of Violet.

Violet walks away, potentially a bit concerned that she pretty much ran her granddaughter out of Downton.

Never fear, Violet! In London, Marigold and her Mama are at a hotel and Edith is smiling. Have we seen this any time in the last 4 years? Edith for Life! Free Edith! And credits.

Character Ranking:

5. The Fake French Hairstylist: I love the way you tricked Mary into looking like a fictional criminal from the future!

4. Baby Sybbie: You called him Donk, kiddo. That’s all you had to do.

3. Isis the Dog: What is wrong you with doggers?! Don’t leave me!!

2. The Baby Watcher: Why is it only now that I am realizing how hot you are? You’re like Marlon Brando or something. Ugh. Those eyebrows. Never change.

1. Edith: She may be a sad sack and she may be a classic middle child, but gosh darn it, Edith is OUT. She’s the new Sybil and she’s doing it without a man even!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

Remember when Jon Stewart left his Daily Show post to shoot his first film in Jordan and your life wasn’t the same, but you managed to survive (just barely)? Well, I’m going to need you to hold onto that perservering strength while you read this statement from Comedy Central:

Thank you Jon. pic.twitter.com/yPdxjnkuLw

— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) February 10, 2015

First Colbert leaves us and now Jon Stewart?! So much of America is going to have to seek therapy for these abandonment issues. I would write more, but I’m too busy crying.

Bienvenue à Downton, mes amis! Mais bien sûr, SPOILER ALERT! On y va!

A train arrives. Or leaves. Or both if you want to get philosophical. Rosamund has come to deal with the immediate Edith Emergency, the true cause of which only Violet and Rosamund are currently aware. Violet apparently has decided to break a cardinal rule of Downton which is: never directly tell anyone information that would probably benefit them. She’s decided to tell Cora why Edith is gone.

Downstairs, Hughes and Carson discuss the upcoming party, which of course Mary would never cancel just because her sister has gone missing. In fact, this seems like the kind of occasion that Mary would like to throw a party for.

In the library, Mary proves this hypothesis. Rose and Robert “Donk” Crawley join the side that thinks the show must go on. Unfortunately, before Violet and Rosamund can reveal the truth about Edith’s ovaries to Cora, The Baby Watcher’s Wife appears at the door to give her the news.

On the grounds, Tony and Blake go for a walk and talk about sex and how Blake really thinks Tony should break up with Mary (who has already broken up with him by the way so…).

Downstairs, Mr. and Mrs. Bates talk about real estate.

In Cora’s room, the Grantham ladies meet to discuss Baby Marigold. Cora is reasonably upset that Rosamund and Violet are meddling meddlers who didn’t even tell her about their meddling. Cora, ever the radical American, suggests the shocking idea of asking Edith what she wants, if they can ever find her IN LONDON WHERE THEY KNOW SHE IS.

In the hall, Hughes asks a flapper-looking Mary about the ticket she gave her, a.k.a. the Bates Freedom Ticket. Sadly though, Mary burned said ticket. Also sadly, Angel Baxter is eavesdropping. Why? Did she kill The Rapist?

No time to think too much about it because Rose’s Atticus and his parents are here for the exciting party! It’s going to be so much fun without Edith around to wet blanket the whole thing, am I right?

In the kitchen, Daisy is sad about politics. She’s so smart and political now she’s basically a nihilist. We’ve all been there, Daisy. Welcome to your freshman year of college.

Downstairs, the Bateses are giving Angel Baxter the Mean Girl Treatment. If I know Baxter, she will use this opportunity to exonerate Bates once and for all. Because she’s an Angel from Heaven.

At dinner, Donk admits he married a half-Jew and is the Most Tolerant Man in Downton. On the other side of the table, Atticus’ dad and Cora have an awkward conversation about being Jewish-ish. On another other side of the table, Rosamund grills Branson on his spin-off plans. Now that Edith has gotten out, maybe he sees some potential for escape himself? And on yet another other side of the table, Smart Atticus cracks the Edith case wide open by suggesting they call the company she just inherited. Oooooh, Atticus, shoot, no one told you that they aren’t actually looking for Edith. It’s just sort of a game they are playing for a minute, until they can move on to another cocktail party. Edith who?

Apparently, there is another side of the table too because the Girl Who Tony Jilted is discussing marriage with Tony. Speaking of marriage, Isobel has a little announcement to make re: Fancy Fiance. Everyone is very excited, except of course for Violet who will now proceed to lose her BFF and watch said-former-BFF be happier and richer than her for the rest of her sad, Prince-less life. Mary is the only one who notices Granny’s sad face. When Granny lies and says the reason behind it is Edith, Mary makes her usual snide, worst-sister-in-the-world comments about how worthless Edith is. Granny finally fires back: “A lack of compassion can be as vulgar as an excess of tears.”

Downstairs, Molesley tries to re-engage Daisy in the exciting world of literature, but Old Soul Daisy is so sad about politics she can’t be bothered with book learning anymore. Thanks, Obama!

In the drawing room, for some reason, Mary convinces the Fancy Fiancé to have a party for Isobel at Downton. Tony plays cards with the Girl He Jilted and pretends like he and Mary are still together because they had sex that one time. Dude, this guy is so clingy! She’s just not that into you, bro!

The Atticus Family leaves and Mary and Blake plot about how to shake Tony off. Rose tells Cora, Rosamund and Violet about her boyfriend’s super smart plan to call Edith’s work so Cora and Rosamund make plans to head to London and Cora makes plans to hate Violet for the rest of time.

At the Bates Household, the Most Boring Couple in Downton discuss real estate some more.

In the library, Isis is clearly already dead, but Branson and Donk aren’t super interested because they need to discuss man stuff like how, even though Branson is a Young Republican, they still aren’t going to make out and eventually run off together.

In London, Cora and Rosamund have very rudely shown up at Edith’s work, which is exactly where she is hiding out. So I’m guessing she was never that great at Hide and Seek as a child?

At Violet’s, Mary and Granny drink tea and listen to Sprat complain. Mary the Sociopath gets Violet to admit to having friendship feelings for Isobel.

At a bridge, Baby Sybbie and Branson discuss moving to America. Sybbie doesn’t contribute much to the conversation, to be honest.

Downstairs, the Bateses and the Molesleys and Thomas all have a stare-down. Soon, I imagine they will all make up and talk a lot about real estate together.

Upstairs, Mary receives a mysterious phone call from Blake, summoning her to London.

In the hall, Dead Isis has been moved to a different place in the house and Donk is beginning to catch on. Rose runs into the house just in time for a lecture from Donk about the Struggle of Interfaith Marriage.

At a tea house in London, Cora tries to convince Edith to bring Marigold to Downton. Edith, do not do it!! You’ve barely escaped!

Downstairs, Molesley is getting mail and surprise surprise the Bateses are talking about real estate. The Molesley mail is part of a ruse to get Daisy back into books and also a good chance for Thomas to show his newfound kindness (which I’m suspicious of, obviously) and get Baxter to go along with Daisy and Molesley to Daisy’s Dead Husband’s Dad’s farm.

On a train back to Downton, Edith and Marigold have been re-snared by the Downton-ites (why didn’t she just go to America?!) and there’s a hitch at the station! Mary is there. Ugh. And Anna has spotted them! The Baby Watcher smolders his way onto the train and takes possession of Baby Marigold, while Edith and Cora disembark. Why, Edith? Why do you trust anyone at this point? I feel like I’m watching a horror movie and Edith is the brunette waking into the dark basement on Halloween.

At tea, it is no longer the Old Ladies Club. Isobel’s Fancy Fiancé is there and the “No Boyz Allowed” sign has been removed from the door. (In case anyone has forgotten, the Fancy Fiancé is the father of Larry the Drugger so let’s hope this impending feast involves at least a little criminal activity.) The Fancy Fiancé leaves and the ladies talk boyz boyz boyz like usual, and also issues of household staff. (I refuse to engage in Sprat’s troll-y storyline; he’s a caricature and we have enough actual characters and enough drama so no, I will not discuss his random quitting during tea.)

At the movies in London, Blake pulls Mary out so he can kiss her on the mouth just as Tony walks out of the theater with the Girl He Jilted on his arm. Apparently that’s all it took to get him to move on! Wow! Such fun cool mind games. Mary, of course, loves it and is now sad that Blake is headed off to Poland (which sounds ominous) for like a year/all eternity.

At Daisy’s Dead Husband’s Dad’s farm, the ruse to get Daisy back to studying is totally working! All she needs is a more independent older white man to tell her what to do! Where is the Downton Feminist Society on this issue? Petulant College Freshman Daisy is still sad about politics, but she decides to sign up for sophomore English. Outside, Baxter the Angel tells Molesley she can’t tell the Bateses why she spoke with the police (spoiler: it’s because she’s a goddamn angel).

In the library, Edith is giving her family the Marigold “adoption” pitch when Isis the Not-Alive-Dog is carried in. Apparently the dog isn’t actually dead yet but has cancer and Cruel Donk wouldn’t let them put her down, instead opting to watch his favorite dog die in agony. Classic Donk. Anyway, most of the family is totally against Edith’s adoption plan. Luckily, everyone is so distracted by the Isis Tragedy that no one notices that Cora has agreed to let Edith adopt Marigold.

Downstairs, Anna and Hughes talk about real estate (now a standard Downton greeting) and then Anna tells Hughes about what she witnessed at the train station, revealing that Anna and Hughes both know that Edith has a baby. Is this because of the picture they found? Why does everyone need to keep this secret if everyone already knows about it??

At dinner, The Fancy Fiancé’s sons are predictably awful. At first, it’s just Larry’s Little Brother but then Larry the Drugger starts piling on Isobel because she’s, gasp, middle class! The Fancy Fiancé is reasonably embarrassed that he has raised such a waste of human space and asks him to leave the table. In response, Larry the Drugger makes fun of chauffeurs and Jews. Oooh boy. The present chauffeur takes offense and rightly calls Larry the Drugger (who by the way, drugged him) a bastard. Larry leaves, but Larry’s Little Brother gets to stay and continue being a total jerk.

Downstairs, Molesley tells the tale of hero Branson calling Larry the Drugger a bastard.

In a hall, Atticus proposes to Rose and they kiss. Isobel is a little chilly to her Fancy Fiancé who hopefully is still her fiancé. Isobel, good people occasionally have awful children. Remember how Sybbie had like zero opinions on America earlier?

In Cora’s room, Cora and Donk put Isis in bed with them in some sort of metaphorical I don’t know what. Maybe Isis is their cancerous relationship and they’ve decided just to let it sleep with them for now?

And credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Cora: I hate that you brought Edith back, but I like that you are letting Marigold kind of live with you.

4. Marigold: I hope you’re remembering all this back and forth, girl. You know who your true mother is!

 3. Isis: Nooooooooooooooooooooo.

2. Violet: You admitted you had a soul. Congrats!

1. Branson: If Edith can’t get out, you can. Also, extra points for calling someone a bastard at dinner.

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 6 Recap: Runaway Train

Bethenny Frankel is not your average reality TV star. Arguably the most successful woman to come out of the Real Housewives franchise (just ask her Forbes cover), she started the show as the runner-up from The Apprentice: Martha Stewart who struggled to pay her rent. But it wasn’t long before she became a New York Times bestselling author, the lead of two spin-offs and the founder of Skinnygirl Cocktails. We caught up with Bethenny to talk about her new cocktail book, her return to the Housewives, what went wrong with her short-lived talk show, her Saved by the Bell past and so much more.

KQED Pop: I love that, unlike most weight watching books, Skinnygirl Cocktails comes from a place of yes, as it would with you, and it’s not about withholding anything, it’s about allowing…

Bethenny Frankel: Look at you!

I know, right? I did some research!

You drank the Kool-Aid. You drank the Skinnygirl. Wow. I love it.

Can you tell us a little bit about what made you finally put this book together?

Well, I couldn’t believe that I didn’t have a cocktail book, given that that’s my whole business. People want to be able to make cocktails at home and I really think that this is the most affordable and impressive way to entertain, to have signature cocktails at your house that are low-calorie. People don’t feel guilty and that they’re gonna feel overly hungover the next day from all the sugar.

A signature cocktail is 9 times out of 10 what people will drink at a party because you’ve done the thinking and the creativity for them and it really ends up being very impressive and cost-effective.

You mentioned hangovers. Everyone has a drink that burned them early on that they can’t drink anymore. What drink do you stay away from?

Brown tequila. Any dark tequila. That’s college; that’s getting sick. Back in the day, I got pretty wasted on Long Island Iced Teas, but I definitely still love them. I would definitely make one and, if a restaurant had one, I would have to do it.

Your cocktail book has a huge variety of drinks appropriate for basically anyone so I’m gonna give you a celebrity name and you tell me what drink you would serve them. Let’s start with the Queen of all beings, Beyonce.

The Pink Lemon Drop. Or I might give her my White Cranberry Cosmo.

How about your friend Ellen Degeneres?

I would do Barenaked Vodka with three olives.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Ginsburg?? She needs to maintain her faculties. Probably the Skinnygirl Sauvignon Blanc.

I read somewhere that you’ve written all your books on your phone. What else do you get up to on your phone? Do you use Tinder?

I don’t have any apps.

No apps?!

No apps. Just texting, emailing, looking up things online, taking pictures, and writing books. And writing down restaurants I pass that I want to go to.

You’ve worked with pretty high profile mentors in the past. I mentioned Ellen, who was a huge supporter with your talk show, and, on the flip side, you’ve worked with Martha Stewart, who, every time I see you two interact, either on The Apprentice or on your show recently, gives off kind of a competitive vibe. What’s been your experience in dealing with other women in the industry?

Honestly, pretty positive. I’ve really grown to love women. I think women have been supportive and respectful and I don’t have anything negative to say about women or men. If you can hold your own and you can walk the walk and talk the talk and it’s not all fluff, people respect you and treat you well.

You’re a huge inspiration for a lot of women to start their own businesses. Who was that person for you growing up?

I don’t have one. I think there are successful women like Hillary Clinton, Barbara Walters, Arianna Huffington and Oprah, but I just always had my own idea and my own path.

I saw you on The View recently when you were promoting the book and you talked to them about how you value what they do because it was so hard for you on your own talk show. Can you talk more about what having your own show was like and how it was different than what you expected?

It’s very appropriate. It’s like directing traffic. It’s very orchestrated and I just like to be more rogue and more free and more edgy and inappropriate. And I felt a little confined.

I could definitely sense that. When we fell in love with you on the Housewives, you were the voice of reason, saying what no one else would say, and, on daytime TV, it doesn’t seem like that is valued.

No, and there are really very few formats, even on cable, that you would really be able to be who you are. I would say maybe Chelsea Handler had a situation where she could really be who she is, but she still had to drive traffic and worry about advertisers. I found that challenging.

So you’re leaving the talk show world and coming back to the Housewives, which so many people are excited about. In the interim between when you left and now, [Housewives have taken to] throwing prosthetic legs and wine glasses at people’s faces, and the brand seems to be more centered on women fighting other women. You’ve built your career on the opposite, women empowering women, so why go back now?

I think it’s a lack of personal creativity, or people feel like they don’t know what else  to do or say so they just want to do something outlandish. I’m doing the show because I miss the connection with women. For me personally, I think I have enough going on in my life that I don’t need to do something ridiculous or outlandish just to make it interesting.

I’m excited to be back, which is so crazy to me because I didn’t want to do it for a while. The first season was interesting because it was new, but I didn’t really love it thereafter, and even doing my own show was so much pressure. I’m really looking forward to it. I want the show to be good and successful, but the only way for that to be the case is if I’m real and honest and to be who I am. If that is interesting to people, then there you go. I don’t need to do the show, I want to do it. I feel like I needed it before.

Andy Cohen mentioned that you two were throwing around a couple of ideas for your return to TV before deciding that you would come back to the Housewives. Are you allowed to share any of those ideas that didn’t make it?

I can’t. We have another thing in the works together though, but I can’t talk about it.

That’s all I need to know, that there’s gonna be more Bethenny in the world.

I think so. But this is a lot for right now and it’s good. My whole business is very full and time-consuming and I have a daughter who is the most important.

Speaking of your daughter, there was that whole crazy thing about you in her PJs. How do you handle even the most innocuous part of your life being scrutinized?

I just don’t care. You can’t care. You can’t invest in every moronic thing that goes on in the world. You can’t get engaged.

Time for some random questions! If you were on stage at a karaoke bar, what would you be singing?

Maybe “Girl On Fire” [although] she’s hard to cover.

If you could live inside one movie, what would it be?

Wall Street or Love Actually.

If you could invite three people (dead, alive or fictional) to dinner, who would they be?

Pink, JFK, and George Clooney.

I read that you were a PA on Saved by the Bell. Do you have any behind the scenes intel?

Yes, I was. It was so long ago. I was so envious of what seemed to be their fabulous lives.

Elizabeth Berkley and I had kind of deep conversations. She was extremely, extremely focused, a very serious actress, like taking dance classes and acting classes. Mario Lopez, who I still know now and see the most, was always fun and kind of charming and had that sparkle. And Tiffani Thiessen was  the most popular girl on the show and in real life. She just seemed like that girl you wanted to be in high school.  Lark Voorhies, she was really sweet and she was kind of a little more serious. They were babies. They were nice kids.

And a lot of people came through that show. I remember Denise Richards came through, Tori Spelling, Leah Remini. I remember Leah Remini telling me that she basically could only afford a taco, living out of the back of her car. Yeah, it was an interesting experience.

I’ve heard that you have a new book coming out soon. 

I call it the big book. Naturally Thin was a big book. Place of Yes was a big book. This is a big book. And it’s kind of about mistakes that I’ve made.

I’m sure a lot of women will relate.

I think so. We’ll see.

Well, I can’t wait to read it and see you on the Housewives. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me today.

Thank you!

When AMC announced that they were splitting Mad Men‘s final season into two, my eyes hurt from rolling so hard. Stop trying to be Harry Potter, Don Draper! I thought. But with the passage of time, I have grown to accept this decision and even be thankful for it; if the show had ended last year, we wouldn’t still be talking about these great characters or wildly speculating about what will happen in the final episodes based on a few promo photos!

So let’s start with the photo above. Megan is obviously not letting her breakup with Don rain on her navel-baring parade. She’s like, Look, y’all, my belly doesn’t have a baby in it so you can settle your Sharon Tate bets now. Maybe she’ll finally make it big in LA as Cher’s stand-in?

Betty is staring me down, pissed that I analyzed Megan first so let’s get to it. She’s still smoking and drinking and mean mugging. She already shot up some birds just for singing so maybe Betty’s final season involves murdering those on her shit list (everyone, except for Peggy’s secret baby only because she’s never met him).

Aw, Peggy. I look at her and I see love. I also see someone who traveled back in time and became a flapper. Good for you, Peg. You’ve gone through so much sexist workplace harassment that you deserve the ability to hop from decade to decade. You also deserve a spinoff.

Joan doesn’t seem to have drastically changed. Once a boss, always a boss.

Some old people loiter, while Sally Draper makes a fashion statement reminiscent of Sybil Crawley’s harem pants reveal (same color and everything!). She is basically Tavi Gevinson or a soon-to-be Anna Wintour. Can’t you picture it? If you had to deal with parents like hers, you would also wear sunglasses everywhere, instill fear in all who cross your path, and secretly plot against noisy celebrity babies.

Oh, right, this show is actually about Don. He’s drinking, per usual, and in California or upstate New York…or purgatory, thinking about all the messed up stuff he’s done over the years. If he’s still alive, he’ll soon be dead via a Jay Gatsby pool situation. Bye!

Got some speculations of your own? Leave ‘em in the comments!

There are so many good things about Orange Is The New Black. Jason Biggs’ character, Larry, is not one of them. He is spiteful, immature, and boring. And his storylines gobble up precious airtime that could be spent on Taystee and everyone else we’d rather watch. The OINTB writers must have sensed all the Larry-related eyerolls from around the world because he will not be appearing on Season 3. At all!

Can you believe our good fortune?

At last we can brush him off our shoulders!

How I’ll be walking for the rest of the day:

You know, when I’m not dancing in celebration:

Season 3 of Orange Is The New Black is set to premiere this June on Netflix. Can’t wait!

We are here! The Penultimate Episode! Suddenly, I am feeling sad and pre-nostalgic for this season. Is this the end? Does all the talk of changing times and America and real estate mean we’re soon to part ways forever? Maybe after next season? Only time will tell. Until then, spoiler alert. Here we go!

In a hall, Thomas looks positively not-dying. Serious and in charge and not smoking in a corner. Is this a new Team-Player Thomas? He’s handing lists off to people in a non-sneaky way. I don’t know. I’ll believe it when he’s four years clean from being the Bad Guy.

In the kitchen, Patmore and Daisy are working on what appears to be a wedding cake! OMG. Either Rose is about to get hitched or Isobel is. Either way, tension and drama!

In a room somewhere, the future bride appears to be Rose, who is trying on outfits in front of the ladies. The whole team is there except for Edith obviously because she’s just no fun. The team does some exposition on such important topics as mixed-religion marriages and the status of Shrimpy and Shrimpy’s Mean Wife.

Downstairs, Hughes does a little exposition of her own, letting all those O’Brien fans out there know that we will not be seeing her at Rose’s nuptials (she left Cora for Shrimpy’s Mean Wife, you may remember). I guess they couldn’t pay her enough to get her back for one entertaining episode? It also seems that Rose’s parents are dead broke and that Atticus’ Rich Dad (trying to ignore the blatant stereotyping here of my people) is going to save the whole family.

In the library, Robert “Donk” Grantham is playing Chutes and Ladders with Baby Sybbie. Look, I know in Britain it’s called “Snakes and Ladders,” but this is America and I play by American rules here. In a surprise move, Mary calls her dad Donk too and she possibly earns herself a spot in tonight’s rankings. Edith plays with a very strangely vacant-looking Marigold and talks to Tom about the machine business in Massachusetts.

Downstairs, it appears that the Law & Order team is coming back to interrogate both Mr. and Mrs. Bates.

In the drawing room, Mary is pissed that Edith is 1000x better at being a mom than her.

Downstairs, Baxter continues to try to ingratiate herself to the Bateses, but those Mean Girls would rather die in prison than be nice to her for one single second.

At the downstairs table, Baxter puts the moves on Molesley (tells him she’ll go to a museum with him in London). The war memorial plot line pops up again because apparently it’s just like the most interesting thing ever and so they have to unveil it after the wedding. So the final episode is going to be about the war memorial? My pre-nostalgia is fading.

At the Dowager’s house, the Prince is waiting in the drawing room and Violet is going to put on her lavender day dress! Are they finally going to kiss?!

In the library, Carson and Donk discuss the war memorial and I take a nap.

In her drawing room, the Prince is propositioning Violet: “I wish to spend my final years with you…as a friend, as a lover.” OH MY GOD! Make. Out. Now.

Downstairs, the Law & Order team is trying to victim blame Anna and also murder-blame her. I mean, do we know she didn’t do it? I feel like she was convinced Bates One did it so it can’t be her. Or is that a trick?!

In the library, Donk is talking to a guy about making plans for a tombstone for Isis, the Dog Who Is Not Affiliated With Any Terrorist Organization.

At the Dowagers, nothing interesting happens with her help.

Downstairs, Anna considers telling the cops that the Rapist was also her rapist.

Everyone leaves for London except for the babies because this isn’t Fashion Week, am I right?? Donk is sort of suspicious about Marigold, but he’s not very smart so he’s not sure why he’s suspicious.

In London, enter a New Cast Member to help out the Downstairs Team at the wedding. He’s tall and handsome. Is Thomas going to finally have a real love interest as a prize for good behavior?

Shrimpy and Shrimpy’s Mean Wife also arrive in London with sour expressions and no personal attendants. Immediately, Shrimpy’s Mean Wife causes a scene by refusing to share a room with her husband. Ugh. So mean.

Upstairs, Rose tries to bond with Shrimpy’s Mean Wife a.k.a. her mom. It goes just okay.

Downstairs in London, Anna’s plot thickens as does the tension between Thomas and the New Cast Member as Thomas straightens the New Cast Member’s bow tie and the New Cast Member sort of grimaces.

In the drawing room in London, Shrimpy and Shrimpy’s Mean Wife sort of bicker, as the Crawley’s await the arrival of Atticus’ family. It seems like Shrimpy’s Mean Wife and Atticus’ Mean Dad are going to really try to sabotage this whole true love thing. Rose should have definitely tried to marry the Jazz Singer first or maybe a woman. Then this whole thing would have gone down so easily!

Downstairs in London, Hughes still doesn’t tell Carson what really happened to Anna, though she should because love’s all about honesty, girl.

At dinner, Shrimpy’s Mean Wife starts off by asking her future Jewish in laws/meal ticket racist questions. Atticus’ Mean Dad retorts by telling Rose she isn’t a Chosen Person. The talk then turns to Atticus’ Bachelor Party (see Snakes and Ladders; this is America and that’s not a Stag Party). I didn’t know they had Bachelor Parties in the 1920s, but apparently it’s “rooted in ancient history.” Then, a bit out of left field if you ask me, Atticus’ Mean Dad mentions how much he hates divorce and it’s like the worst thing he’s ever heard of. Shrimpy’s Mean Wife implies she’s about to get a divorce.

In a hall, Violet and Isobel talk about boyz as usual.

In a drawing room, Terrible Mom/Sister Mary gets in like 15 negs on Edith in the space of two minutes.

In a bedroom, Donk and Cora talk like a proper husband and wife who don’t hate each other’s guts. Yeah. Sure. Totally.

In the hall, Shrimpy’s Mean Wife gives Carson a letter. Obviously this means something.

Downstairs, Patmore lovingly yells at Daisy and then submits when Donk goads her into going to the war memorial unveiling. He must have something planned; my guess is a little stone memorial of her nephew.

At Scotland Yard, Anna is put in a lineup of what I hope are other victims of her Rapist. I am hoping for a scene in which they all, one by one, stand up and say “I did it” and then none of them go to jail.

Downstairs, it seems like Violet’s Lady’s Maid has designs on the New Cast Member who is Thomas’s! Step down, lady! Patmore and Daisy get into existentialism and then decide, like, never mind.

In a drawing room, the Crawley’s openly despise each other.

At The Hangover: Downton Abbey, Atticus is wasted and a lady is putting the moves on him in an elevator, but he very kindly puts her off. Until she shows up in his room and does some weird stuff with her outfit. Fact: I said “Ooooh” when this happened because I realized that this must be what Shrimpy’s Mean Wife’s letter was about.

Downstairs, the tension between Thomas and the New Cast Member continues to build. Hopefully.

At lunch in London, Troll Mary has picked the location of Edith and Michael’s first date for the sibling pre-marriage luncheon. That general sisterly unkindness is completely overshadowed by the motherly unkindness of pictures of Atticus with “a tart of some kind” sent by messenger. Rose breaks down at luncheon and then Tom, a genius of some kind, tells her to talk to Atticus about it! What?! Has he seen this show?? Never talk to your spouse or potential spouse about anything important ever! Tom then suggests Atticus’ Mean Dad is behind the dirty pics. Right track, Tom, wrong evil parent.

Downstairs, Hughes and Carson debate systematic racial injustice and personal intolerance. Then Violet’s Lady’s Maid continues her play for the New Cast Member.

Somewhere in a garden, Molesley walks with his harem and they discuss the transformative power of art. Daisy says, “I feel as if I’ve been down a coal hall and someone’s opened a lid and brought me into the sunlight.” I, unable to contain myself, said, “Oh, god.” So now Daisy’s an Art Major? The threesome see Rose and Atticus fighting in the park and Beyonce Baxter says: “You’re never safe ’til the ring’s on your finger.”

At Atticus’ house, Atticus confronts Atticus’ Mean Dad about the dirty pic scandal. The Mean Dad is like, if I’m going to be honest, I don’t think our legacy is worth throwing away for “this little shiksa.” Okay now, is it just me or does Atticus’ Mean Dad’s Yiddish sound really forced? This is the first time we’re hearing it and I’m not convinced at all. Atticus’ Mean Dad gives Atticus a lecture on Judaism right before Rose et al. arrive.

Before the dinner, everyone tries to act normal as true love sort of falls apart. Mary tries to hide how happy it makes her that true love is falling apart by talking about murdering Edith. Mary, you are a monster. Rose quickly forgives Atticus and they join together as an team of Encyclopedia Browns to find their saboteur. Shrimpy and the Olds get together to explain that the Empire is collapsing.

Downstairs, Thomas, the pot, calls Violet’s Lady’s Maid, the kettle, black by telling her to stop being a bully. Takes one to know one.

In the kitchen, Daisy complains about how art has changed her life so much she has to move to London now and experience the real world. Patmore almost starts crying because, even though Daisy’s become an obnoxious brat, she’s still her obnoxious brat.

Downstairs, the New Cast Member and Violet’s Lady’s Maid are missing. Where oh where have they gone and when oh when will Thomas rescue him?!

In Shrimpy’s Mean Wife’s room, Shrimpy is waiting for Shrimpy’s Mean Wife because he, like us, knows that she is the villain behind the Atticus dirty pic situation. Turns out he has proof in the form of a checkbook stub! Always pay in cash when you are trying to sabotage your daughter’s happiness!

In a drawing room, Donk announces that he’s selling the art that the Art Guy loved so much. Cora looks sad because that guy was honestly nice to her and a lot better of a human than Donk. Rose and the old ladies talk about happiness, love, boyz, etc. and then Carson comes in to tell Violet that her Lady’s Maid is “sick.” Mary and Branson talk about how Tom is leaving for America after Christmas.

Downstairs, Violet’s Lady’s Maid is waaaasted. Daisy goes to make her coffee and finds Patmore sobbing. Ugh, now I am almost crying. Patmore and Daisy are the truest love in the world!

In a hall, Thomas has clearly decided to use his Powers of Sneakiness for good, to rescue the poor New Cast Member from Violet’s Drunk and Gambling Lady’s Maid.

At a registry office, which is not a church, Mary is dressed up again like Alex from Clockwork Orange. Because her dirty pics thing didn’t ruin her daughter’s marriage, Shrimpy’s Mean Wife decides to announce that she and Shrimpy are getting divorced. The move backfires because true love cannot be stopped, even by the World’s Second Worst Mom (Mary is clearly the worst).

On the stairs up to the registry office, Shrimpy and Rose share a moment of happiness away from their tormentor.

Downstairs, Thomas sets a trap for Violet’s Lady’s Maid.

At the wedding party, Tony is holding hands with the Girl He Jilted. They come over to Mary and make her delightfully uncomfortable, enough so that she makes an awkward comment about going to their wedding. Edith and Donk have an almost meaningful conversation, until he sees Mary and remembers he doesn’t like Edith and walks off. Tony and Mary debrief about their sex vacation and Carson, who still likes Mary apparently for some unknowable reason, looks on. Rose confronts her mother and tells her she doesn’t know what love is and then moves on to the next guest. A racist gets shut down by Cora.

In a hall, Mary complains to Carson about how things change. Luckily, Carson also hates change.

In a basement, Thomas prepares to finally use his trickiness for good. Seriously, is this ever actually going to happen? There’s been a lot of build up on this one. Thomas, the New Cast Member and Violet’s Lady Maid go into a literally underground club called The Velvet Violin.

In her room, Anna sensually dresses Mary. Sadly, they are interrupted by Anna’s arrest.

At the Velvet Violin, Thomas wins a bunch of money to pay off the New Cast Member’s debt. Not exactly dramatic but nice, I guess. He then sells out the Lady’s Maid to a Sinister Boss with a Mustache. Thomas and the New Cast Member leave and, in the corridor heading out of the basement, Thomas refers to himself as “your uncle Thomas.” I can’t decide if that’s creepy or amazing.

Inside the Velvet Violin, the Lady’s Maid is forced to pay for her drinks. What a dramatic conclusion.

Back at the house, Anna is getting cuffed and Mary is pissed. Bates is really angry and so are the Crawleys because seriously, how many Bates are they going to have to get off of spurious murder charges??

In case you forgot, it’s time for the war memorial unveiling! The show must go one, apparently, even though Anna the Unblemished is in jail (question: is this God punishing her for aiding and abetting the sex vacation?). The memorial is unveiled and everyone is like war is bad but also good, kinda? As I predicted what seems like five hours ago, Donk has prepared a tiny little memorial for Patmore’s nephew so when the music swells, he can once again be a hero! Super dense Donk finally takes a long look at Edith and realizes that Marigold is her child.

On a path in the village, Daisy decides not to go to London after all. Bates implies to Mary that he’s going to take the fall or something for the Rapist’s murder, even though that’s not going to happen since the cops know it was a lady. Unless he’s implying that Mary killed him? She is stone cold so that’s totally possible. Isobel and Violet both seem to decide to fight for true love! Edith and Tom say nice things to each other and Carson and Hughes say nice things to each other. Donk admits that he doesn’t think he’ll hate Marigold now that he knows she’s his progeny. And credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Shrimpy: What a great dad who picked a truly awful wife. Also, he’s called Shrimpy.

4. Baxter:  Besides being an angel from Heaven, Baxter is a great Molesley-seductress.

3. Molesly: So into the arts now! Opening up worlds for people! Not being annoying about it! How wonderful.

2. Tom: Soon Tom will go to America and it will be a tragedy because he’s the only thing keeping Mary from literally murdering Edith.

1. Patmore: Patmore is the best character on this show and, this week, her cake was lovely, she got to cry for Daisy and her nephew got a memorial! What a mitzvah, right?

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 6 Recap: Runaway Train

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 7 Recap: Dog Days Are Over

Some actors are so ingrained in our popular culture that it is difficult to imagine things carrying on without them. Leonard Nimoy, best known for his role as Mr. Spock on Star Trek, is one of these actors. He died this morning due to complications from end-stage chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. He was 83.

Compiling all of his best moments is nearly impossible, but one must start somewhere. Since his work on Star Trek is well-documented, let’s  celebrate his long and prosperous life through some of his other work.

Nimoy’s first major role was in a movie called Kid Monk Baroni, in which he played a street punk turned boxer who needs to overcome his misshaped face through plastic surgery. Unsurprisingly, the movie tanked and Nimoy has said that it was the kind of film that “made unknowns out of celebrities.” But sometimes something bad can travel over the border into good. You be the judge:

Before Star Trek, William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy shared the screen in an episode of The Man from U.N.C.L.E., playing characters from either side of the Iron Curtain. They were meant to be!

After Star Trek, he joined Mission Impossible. This video compilation captures some of the sleuthing and all of the making out with hot girls the role required:

Columbo kept it together most of the time. Nimoy played a murderous doctor that was able to get Columbo really pissed:

Leonard Nimoy singing about hobbits and Bilbo Baggins. I repeat: Leonard Nimoy singing about hobbits and Bilbo Baggins! This clip is too good to be true, and yet, here it is!

Nimoy memorably got a bottle smashed over his head in Philip Kaufman’s remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Is it wrong to root for the “bad guy”?

In 1982, he received an Emmy nomination for playing Morris Meyerson in A Woman Called Golda, opposite Ingrid Bergman as Golda Meir in her final role. He was also nominated in 1967, 1968, and 1969 for his work on Star Trek. He never won. Let’s never watch the Emmys again, okay?

Fringe is a show that explores the existence of a parallel universe, so who better to get to star as a mysterious doctor than Leonard Nimoy? Answer: No one is better!

In his later years, Nimoy preferred voice acting. In this cameo from The Big Bang Theory, he voices a Spock doll, making so many geek dreams come true.

I’m not sure how Nimoy ended up in a Bruno Mars music video, but I’m glad it happened. Nimoy flips people off, buys dirty magazines, plays with nunchuks, and roams around town in his robe and long johns. This is what perfection looks like:

This post could go on and on because Nimoy’s career was so vast. Feel free to leave any favorite Nimoy moments I missed in the comments.

The only way to sign off is with Leonard’s last tweet. I advise you to grab a tissue before reading it.

A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP

— Leonard Nimoy (@TheRealNimoy) February 23, 2015

Hark! What sound is that? It’s the sound of another legendary Downton Abbey Christmas Special! Do I really have to remind you of the always-in-effect spoiler alert? There, I did it! On to the Abbey!

A car pulls up in front of an official looking building and we see the magenta back of a stylish Mary, who I’ll wager is headed to prison to check on Anna in this season’s first Orange is the New Black crossover episode.

Back at the Abbey, Robert “Donk” Grantham pretends to care about Anna’s false (?) imprisonment to Bates, but then starts talking about a trip they are taking or something.

Downstairs, everyone is hurrying around, presumably related to this alleged trip (did I miss something last episode or is this just another symptom of my smart-phone-related dementia?). It appears that Baxter is now attending to both Cora and Mary. Oh man, this just now occurred to me: why does Mary have a lady’s maid and Edith doesn’t?! Is Mary physically incapable of buttoning her own buttons? I paused the show to type that and my question was answered immediately: Anna was supposedly also Edith’s lady’s maid?! Um, when did she ever, ever help Edith pick out a fancy dress? Or buy prophylactics for her? Suddenly, I’m beginning to think Anna is a dark-hearted bully who ignored Edith on purpose and may also be a murderer. Jury’s still out, people!

In jail, Mary of course looks stunning.

At a luncheon of some sort, the family sort of talks vaguely about this impending trip and then Violet reveals that the Princess, the wife of her true love, no big deal, is coming to England, like momentarily. Um, what the hell, Violet? I get trying to be cool for your new boyfriend, but you’ve got to think about number one and, in this case, number one is the magic blossoming between you and the Prince! Hong Kong is lovely! The Princess would have done great there!

In prison, it kind of seems like Mary dressed up to make Anna feel bad. What I’m saying is Anna doesn’t look great.

In a downstairs hall, Carson and Hughes debate the question of Mary’s prison visit. Carson, the perpetual Mary apologist, thinks it’s bad because people might think it’s somehow improper. Carson, how do you feel about sex vacations?

At the downstairs table, the help fight over guns.

In the special Hughes and Carson room, Ross/Carson and Rachel/Hughes drink wine and talk about real estate.

At the house, it is revealed that the destination of the family trip is Atticus’s family’s place that they did quickly discuss last episode. See? I remember! Anyway, everyone is going and the moms and dad have to say goodbye to their children, who they probably only see 20 minutes a day anyway. Edith is like the most terrible at pretending she isn’t Marigold’s mom. So terrible that even Donk can see it plainly now. How have Tom and Mary not noticed? Are they just drunk all the time?

Violet and Isobel bid the family adieu at the train station. I thought they were taking a ship somewhere. That would have been a bit more interesting. I guess they’re just going somewhere else English to shoot at things.

In the library, everyone is doing a deep cleaning, since the family is away, which gives a great bookish setting for Molesley to question Daisy about her studies and for Daisy to once again wiffle-waffle about her education. Patmore calls her out because Patmore is the one who tells it like it is on this show. We are all Patmore.

In the fanciest train, the Crawleys all sit in one room without murdering each other or even suggesting murder. Maybe because the train is moving they feel less anxious in each other’s company? Like they could jump out at any time? Oh, wait! Spoke too soon! Miserable Mary suggests locking all the children up in a box in the attic and not letting them out until they are 21. Also: she doesn’t appear to be joking. She refers to herself as “the mother around here” and Donk gives a deep side-eye scowl to Cora. Edith, your secret ain’t safe for long!

Atticus’ family’s “place” turns out to be a huge and magnificent castle! Downton now seems stupid. Remake the show please and, this time, set it at this fancy castle! Atticus’ parents speak with yet another New Butler. The problem with character proliferation on Downton is thus: every time a new upper class person shows up, you know somewhere there’s going to be a servant-y type too. Basically the cast is increasing exponentially.

Cars pull up to the castle, giving us another glimpse at this magnificent place. My main question, obviously, is how do they heat it?

Rose and Atticus, now married (if you know what I mean), greet the family at one of the doors. I imagine this place is just rife with doors. Atticus’ Mean Dad and Atticus’ Sweet Mom show up and the two families who just love each other to bits are in the same room once again. Soon, they will be shooting guns together!

Downstairs at the castle, Thomas introduces himself to the New Butler, who is extra mean which seems reasonable since a) his boss, Atticus’ Mean Dad, is also mean and b) no one in their right mind should ever be nice to Thomas. He smells weakness like sharks smell blood.

Back home, the Old Ladies Club meets in a garden to discuss the upcoming arrival of the Princess. Look, I thought this was the Christmas Special. It seems really warm for Christmas, if these ladies can have tea in a garden…

At the castle, there is a gauche tea in the library. Ugh, so not the place for tea. The New Butler is openly rude to Tom. I am sorry, but that is just not done, okay? He is a monument to the perfect and wonderful Sybbie and is the only one I trust with a car.

At Violet’s, Violet sets her two servants up to fight each other. Oh my god. Why am I even acknowledging this is happening?

In the hall downstairs at the Abbey, Ross and Rachel talk about real estate. Bates goes to visit Anna in prison to, I’m assuming, talk more about real estate?

At the castle, everyone and some dogs get into horse-drawn carriages, which take them out to an open field. I can’t think of what is better than carts full of armed people who hate each other!

In the killing field, Mary gives Atticus’ Mean Dad a lecture on family unity, while using some sort of special walking stick designed for weak females out in the field.

Behind a bush, Atticus’ Sweet Mom and Tom talk about not being accepted. I think it would be a bit more heartwarming without the loaded weapon in Tom’s hands, but that’s just me.

Behind a wall of some kind, Robert continues to evade Cora’s questions about his beginning-of-the-episode trip to York. Yeah, I should have mentioned this before, but I didn’t and now it’s come up three times so it’s obviously a thing. So sorry. Sue me.

Everyone keeps shooting and the shots ring out dramatically as the scene cuts to the Bateses in prison. Drab Anna-In-Prison reveals to Bates that her stepfather abused her when she was a kid and she cut him with a knife. That doesn’t seem like permissible evidence in this case. Does she have a lawyer?

Back at the castle, Non-Sneaky-Edith cannot stop talking about the children. The New Butler continues to be a total jerk to Tom.

On a real estate field trip, Ross and Rachel have some delightful patter.

At Violet’s, some crazy wife-swapping is about to happen. The Prince is there, as well as Isobel and her man. Upstairs, the Princess readies herself for battle.

At the castle, Baxter dresses Mary (who is dressing Edith? WHO?!) and Mary tries to get Baxter to get Thomas to do something to make the New Butler look bad.

Downstairs, Baxter relays Malevolent Mary’s message to Thomas, who isn’t that reformed after all and can’t wait to destroy the New Butler.

At Violet’s, the Princess enters the room. She is clearly a horrible woman who kind of rightfully hates Violet because, you know, her husband is in love with her.

Back the castle, Thomas sets his trap for the New Butler.

At dinner, a harpist plays and Atticus is such a sweetheart as usual.

Back at Downton, Patmore has set a romantic dinner for her favorites. It seems a lot nicer than the dinner in the castle.

Speaking of which, the New Butler is still being overtly un-nice to Branson. Too bad for him because Thomas’ plan is working! His plan? Get the New Butler to serve a boring dinner! Atticus’ Mean Dad blows up at the New Butler and the Crawleys feel right at home (because every one of their meals involves yelling).

At Violet’s, the wife swap is in full swing. The Princess is basically Debbie Downer, serving sad, deadpan one-liners to anyone who will listen. Even Sprat thinks she’s rude. Violet seems to have decided her love with the Prince shall never be. Why, Violet? You could have had it all! Isobel’s Fancy Fiancé leaves with the Prince and the whole wife swap is abruptly turned into the usual: a meeting of the Old Ladies Society to talk about boyz.

At the castle, Cora finally gets Donk to tell her what’s wrong, which turns out to be “pains in…[his] tummy.” (Yes, that was unfair quoting, but did you not giggle slightly?) Donk apparently has angina maybe, but don’t worry: he can still hunt! Since he’s on the verge of death, he decides to tell Edith that he knows her deep, dark, poorly kept secret.

At Violet’s, the whole deal between Sprat and Violet’s Lady’s Maid is still, sadly, part of the plot. Can Violet’s Lady’s Maid make soup? Will we ever know?!

At the castle, Donk knocks on Edith’s door and Edith has her hair down and looks amazzzing. Edith for Cinderella!! Anyway, he’s there to tell Edith that he’s totes down and cool with Marigold being his granddaughter. They have a real nice father-daughter forgiveness moment. I feel so bad for Edith because tomorrow Donk will most likely come up to her and be like: “You know that whole thing last night? So sorry! I thought you were Mary because I was kinda sleepy and ate a big dinner and was maybe drunk…”

Downstairs at the castle, Thomas is now pissed because yes, his light prank worked, but he was insulted by Atticus’ Mean Dad in the crossfire. Heads will roll!! Never cross Thomas. Now he’s going rogue. This is about to be a bender on evil. Just remember: relapse is part of recovery.

In the New Butler’s office, Thomas tries to ingratiate himself with the New Butler, who is now doing a handwriting comparison with all the staff to find out who wronged him. Oh, dang. Did Baxter write the offending note? Will Angel Baxter fall once more? Thomas gets the New Butler to sell out Atticus’ Mean Dad. Never be mean to Thomas, but, more importantly, never be nice to Thomas.

On a walk out on the grounds, the youngs discuss plans to move to America.

Back at Downton, Violet’s Lady’s Maid engages Patmore and Daisy to make her soup for Violet. Snooze.

Just when you thought you couldn’t get any sleepier…the Bateses are in jail, talking about things again. Seriously, did the writing staff just decide they wanted to go on a little vaycay and could completely recycle this entire plot line and just switch which Bates is in jail and no one would even notice? I’m a little offended, writers! Do you know how closely I watch this show?

In Isobel’s sitting room, she and her Fancy Fiancé (I hope!) are in the midst of real serious relationship talk. Isobel is like, I will not be an evil stepmother! So the Fancy Fiancé decides to put a hit out on his children.

In the Downton kitchen, the Lady’s Maid has ruined her soup. Seriously, how hard is it to make soup? That is like one thing I am totally capable of making and I can barely cook toast.

Back at the Orange is the New Black crossover, the prison is boring as heck. Where is Red? Where is Crazy Eyes? I was led to believe a women’s prison would be a fun good time!

At the castle, the New Butler is regretting his drunk over-sharing with Thomas. Too bad, dude. Your fate is sealed. Try again next time! Morally Bankrupt Mary is pre-angry at an uninvited guest, who is taking Atticus’s spot hunting tomorrow. I bet he’s her true love. She’s also present-moment angry at Donk and Edith, who are BFFs now that Donk is dying and Edith is out to him as a mom.

In the special Ross and Rachel side room at Downton, Ross is ready to toast their new future as bed and breakfast owners, but Rachel has to let Ross down because—plot twist!—Rachel has no money because she’s been sending all her money to the caretaker of her “not quite right in the head” sister. Oh, Rachel! You are an even bigger angel than Baxter. Their intimate discussion about siblings, investments and real estate is interrupted by a very worried Bates, who has received a telegram from the lawyer that apparently said: “Bad news! Call me.” That seems like a rude telegram to send! Just say: “Call me.” You’re the lawyer. He’s going to call you stat.

Back at the castle’s shooting grounds, love is in the air. Edith is paired up with the Agent who, if you’ll remember, “everyone feels a bit sorry for.” Classic Edith. Mary is somehow paired up with the Hanger On she’s been dogging the whole episode. The Hanger On is a Benedict Cumberbatch look-alike who is terrible at shooting and who Mary has decided to torture, her favorite form of flirting, over guns.

In another corner of the field, Edith follows her sister’s lead and does some of her own flirting over guns.

At Violet’s, Daisy is terrible at subterfuge.

In Violet’s garden, Isobel has a letter from Larry the Petulant Drugger who really, really doesn’t want a new mommy. This is always what happens when you don’t teach children boundaries!

At the castle, it’s raining and the Lawyer is apparently telephoning Donk about Criminal Anna things (they’ve set a date for her trial), even though he can only telegram Bates. Donk’s tummy problem is acting up so tragically Cora won’t allow him to play with guns anymore this afternoon, which solves everyone’s problems since now Atticus can shoot. Really, these guys are just terrible at taking turns.

At a lunch outside at the castle, Mary is in full-swing in her torture-flirting and Benedict Cumberbatch is eating it up.

In the kitchen at Violet’s, Sprat calls Violet’s Lady’s Maid out on the fact that Daisy actually made the soup in this terrible subplot. Problem: Violet’s Lady’s Maid is using a very large knife. Sadly, she does not turn the knife on Sprat and instead watches him pour the soup down the drain. Open a can, dude! It’s not that hard!

Somewhere, a child steps out of a car.

Back at the castle, it turns out that’s where the kid was getting out of the car! And who is this kid? Well, it seems like it might be the illegitimate child of Atticus’ Mean Dad. Rose thinks on her feet to save her new father-in-law and pretends the mom of the kid who got out of the car is her BFF. Somehow, this works. Turns out Thomas decided to go nuclear on everyone and telegrammed Atticus’ Mean Dad’s Mistress and told her to bring his other son. Classic Thomas. Luckily, Mary loves subterfuge and also improv so she gets in on the game of pretending to know Atticus’ Mean Dad’s Mistress.

Back at Downton, Bates is all dressed in black and seems to be giving his notice in letter form to Molesley to give to Carson. We all know what a goof Molesley is! Hilarity will ensue!

At the castle, Rose bids goodbye to the Mistress and Edith chats up her new love interest, the Agent. Rose blackmails Atticus’ Mean Dad’s Butler, while Mary looks on proudly.

In the hall before dinner, Atticus’ Mean Dad stops Mary, Rose and Donk to thank them for not selling him out to his family and then totally changes his position on Rose being his daughter-in-law. Take note, ladies: If your father-in-law hates you, help him avoid an embarrassing situation with his mistress! #WifeTips

Downstairs at Downton, Carson has opened the letter from Bates and apparently it isn’t a notice but a confession to the murder of the Rapist. But, duh, they know it was a girl, Bates! Anyway, Sherlock Molesley is on the case! Find Bates and prove his innocence!

Back at the castle, there’s a gramophone in the library and everyone is dancing. Mary is, of course, dancing with Benedict Cumberbatch and trying to remain as uninterested as a person can while dancing with another person. He quizzes her about the earlier appearance of the Mistress and she’s impressed that he noticed what was going on, even though you would have to be deaf and blind not to see what was happening. Speaking of obvious situations everyone is trying to pretend away, Tom finally tells Edith he also knows Marigold isn’t some random foundling. Now it’s just Mary who doesn’t know and mainly she just doesn’t care. Edith dances off with the Agent.

At the Bateses cottage, Molesley is on the hunt for exculpatory evidence.

At the castle, Benedict Cumberbatch and Mary share some last-minute flirting until he tells her his real passion is for cars. Oh my god! Stay away from sun-dappled lanes!! Mary, however, seems to have forgotten her long, dark history with automotives and is left weak in the knees as her new love interest speeds off. “Matthew who?” you can almost hear the wind whisper.

The cars pull up to Downton and the children come out for their customary parade and Carson tells Donk that Bates is gone.

Downstairs, no one knows what to do now that two main employees are gone.

In the library, no one knows what to do now that two main employees are gone.

Downstairs, it turns out that Sherlock Molesley has a Watson of his very own; Baxter offers to help him vindicate Bates.

In Donk and Cora’s bedroom, the Lord and Lady conspire to keep Bates-related evidence out of the hands of the authorities.

The lawyer and Anna arrive at Downton, but, while free, she is sad because Bates One is on the run in Ireland and all freedom really is for her is dressing bratty adult women, constant anxiety that Bates will get caught and probably a sprinkling of PTSD to round it out. Prison was probably better, is what she’s thinking now. Crazy Eyes was so fun at that Christmas Pageant! She could have gotten really serious about her yoga practice!

At Violet’s, the moment we’ve all been waiting on the edge of our seats for has arrived! Violet must taste the soup made for her by her Lady’s Maid, while Sprat looks on gleefully. What will she do? How bad is it?? But Violet is nothing but classy and spiteful towards Sprat so she pronounces the broth “delicious” and goes to bed, where we all hope this story line is finally going too.

In a drawing room, Donk announces that he isn’t about to go meet Isis in Heaven but instead has an ulcer. Womp. Good news though: the Art Guy’s favorite painting sold for like a lot of money.

Downstairs, the windfall means that Carson is hiring a new footman. Oh, just what we need, a new cast member to remember. Thomas and Daisy who have similar taste in men make a bid for the New Cast Member from Rose’s Wedding. He’s pretty cute so I say, yes, go with him!

Suddenly, it is Christmas 1924 and I feel a Tom and Baby Sybbie sized lump in my throat. Never leave us, you two! The New Cast Member has been hired and his name is Andy, which I think I can handle. The babies and their parents trim a massive tree and Baby Sybbie has the presence of mind to use her adorable British accent to say words.

In a snowy town, Sherlock and Watson look for someone who remembers seeing Bates.

In their special room, Hughes wraps a gift for Carson. Carson tells Hughes that he bought their dream house himself. When is he going to invite Hughes to live with him there, happily ever after?

In the library, Sherlock and Watson present their new Bates-saving evidence to the Crawleys.

In their bedroom, Cora and Donk discuss the particulars of contacting the soon-to-be-cleared (again) Bates. Also: ulcers. Such pillow talk between these two!

In the kitchen, Christmas is looking fancy. I can’t be sure, but I think they may be having a bacon wrapped goose? Okay, I will eat that. Everyone encourages Daisy to study because no one knows what they want around here!

At Isobel’s, she’s finally showing the nasty letter from Larry the Drugger to his dad, her Fancy Fiancé. She breaks up with him because he’s got a stupid son, even though the Fancy Fiancé is the best and so nice and so rich. Violet comes in on them during the breakup and the ladies both mention, almost as an afterthought, how “sad” the whole thing is. Sad?! Heart breaking! You should be crying, Isobel! You just let the terrorists win!

Lonely Anna sits alone in her cottage.

Upstairs, Edith and Tom talk over the children’s stockings. Mary comes in so Tom decides they should have a Christmas séance for Sybil. Donk walks by and makes a play to keep Baby Sybbie for himself. Oh, Donk. Not happening.

Downstairs, the whole village sings Christmas carols around the tree. Rose teaches Atticus the words because he’s a Jew so he’s never heard a Christmas carol before. Donk, it appears, is drunk, since he’s been abstaining from alcohol for awhile due to his non-lethal ulcer. Violet’s Lady’s Maid also drinks liberally from the punch bowl. Rose and Atticus talk about how awesome and exciting it is to be married. Next thing you know, Rose is going to be starting a blog about her super cool life as a wife, which will turn into a fashion blog and then a mommy blog. Watch out, world! As usual, Thomas and Daisy both flirt with the same guy.

In the drawing room, the Old Ladies Society have a special Christmas meeting to tell the best boyz story of all, the love story of Violet and her Prince. Drunk Donk breaks up the meeting though, as jovially as possible.

Back at the party, Drunk Donk is about to give a speech! Scandal! Fortunately, as his final good act in Britain, Tom saves him by starting a round of “He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.” Then Mary sings “Silent Night” while Edith plays. When did they ever spend enough time in the same room to practice? Also, why do none of these versions of these songs rhyme? Is that a British thing, to not rhyme your song lyrics?

Carson brings Hughes down to their special room and tells her he put their dream house in both of their names. She’s like, “Look, I can’t let you do this amazing thing for me! I don’t want to tie you down!” And he’s like, “Oh, Hughes! I want to be, metaphorically and maybe literally, I don’t know, tied down by you! Will you marry me??” Finally! I don’t know what comes next, but that was the best moment of the season and this slow-burn romance better get a spinoff where they own a bed and breakfast together! With Patmore as the cook! Can you even imagine?!

At the party, Drunk Donk tells Tom that he actually likes him now and then proceeds to give a speech to the entire village about how great Tom is. As the whole town joins together to sing “O Come All Ye Faithful,” Bates appears at a door and then sneaks up behind Anna and whispers into her ear. While a normal person would probably scream at that, Anna seems pretty stoked and Bates forgets he’s lame, literally, for a minute and picks Anna up into the air.

And credits.

 Episode Character Ranking:

5. Violet: She gets ranked this week for her great love story and the sly bit about how she totally continued to cheat on her husband.

4. Baby Sybbie: She coined the terms “Donk” and now she’s passing it on to her cousin Marigold. Kudos, girlfriend! You’re a pretty cool baby.

3. Tom: Without Tom, Edith and Mary will murder each other. It’s going to make for a bloody but interesting season. Still, I will miss Tom and his cute face.

2. Carson: Finally, he got the guts to propose to his Rachel and it was magnificent. I love you, old guy!

 1. Hughes: When Carson asks her to marry him, she doesn’t mess around. She says: “I thought you’d never ask.” That is how a proposal should go. That is how a season should end.

Season Character Ranking (Scientifically-ish based on total season scores!)

5. Patmore: While this season wasn’t especially meaty (get it? she’s a cook!) for Patmore, she’s always a solid character and one of my favorites. Glad to see she made it in.

Tied for 4: Mary and Hughes: I’m offended at myself for allowing the worst and the best elements of Downton to tie for such a paltry spot. Mary started strong but became unbearable, whereas Hughes was, as usual, the backbone of the whole gosh darn house!

3: Violet: Violet came through this season by having an affair with a prince. We have to respect that, whether or not we agree with her decision to not move to Paris with him and live out the rest of their days in bliss.

2. Edith: Edith deserves every happiness she has by the end of this season, especially now that we know that Mary is probably going to murder her at the end of next season.

1. Tom Branson: Oh, Tom! I can’t stand to see you and Baby Sybbie leave, but thank god they didn’t drive you down a sun-dappled lane. Maybe you guys can come back for a guest spot in next year’s Christmas Special?? If you promise to come, I promise to recap again. One more time for old time’s sake. I love you, Tom! RIP Sybil!

Thank you guys for following along with me this season! It’s been fun and sad and hard. We lost dogs to cancer and potential husbands to Hitler. But we’re still here! Next year, I predict Edith will marry the Agent, Mary will marry Benedict Cumberbatch, Donk will get another tummy ache, and Hughes and Carson will finally kiss! See you then!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 6 Recap: Runaway Train

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 7 Recap: Dog Days Are Over

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 8 Recap: London Calling

The grandeur, the nuance, the amazing way nothing happens until the final scenes of an episode… In its glory days, I could spend hours describing the delight that is Downton Abbey. Yet anyone who’s watched the show since the beginning can see that it’s a shadow of what it once was. If it wasn’t for the pragmatic wit of the Dowager Countess, the intermittent brashness of Tom and the simmering affection between Carson and Mrs. Hughes, I don’t know if I could have made until the end.

So I’ve been contemplating the big question that plagues many great shows that receive high praise at its onset: what went wrong? Was it the death of beloved characters like Sybil and Matthew? A tone shift as the characters clumsily dealt with the drastic differences between pre-war frivolity and post-war austerity? Or had it reached its peak in the third season and we’re watching its slow decline into mediocrity?

Or perhaps it’s the problem Downton has been grappling with since the start: over-privileged men, specifically Lord Grantham (a.k.a. Robert Crawley a.k.a. the blustering, bumbling head of the family). At the start, his oblivious follies created dramatic plot points and added tension to the show. Now, despite (and sometimes because of) his intentions to protect the family name, Lord Grantham seems to cause and/or aggravate many of the Abbey’s catastrophes during these, as Lady Mary likes to point out, “changing times.” He epitomizes the dangers of unchecked male privilege.

Let’s take a quick look at Lord Grantham’s low points from the past five seasons:

– With his terrible money management and lack of good decision-making skills, Lord Grantham basically ran Downton into the ground. He lost his and Cora’s money based on a bad investment decision he made without consulting her.

– Feeling ignored by Cora (who was busy running their house-turned-makeshift hospital) and useless during the war, Lord Grantham almost starts an affair with a maid.

– He tries to pay off his son-in-law, Tom Branson, because he is of a lower class. He later owes much of his renewed success to said son-in-law.

– When his youngest daughter Sybil was in labor, Robert ignores the doctor’s warning that she was showing signs of preeclampsia and needs to give birth in a hospital. In spite of everyone else’s concern, Robert insists that she remain at home, where she later dies after giving birth.

– Out of some combo of paternalism and jealousy, he attempts to prolong Mary’s mourning to keep her from playing a role in running the estate via her husband’s will.

In all of these scenarios, Lord Grantham unwittingly finds himself at the center of some disaster. Instead of taking responsibility for his actions, the mess is promptly cleaned up by the women in his life (chiefly his put-upon wife and nonplussed mother) and servants. What’s worse, he not only is blind to his part in the problem, he tends to see himself as the victim.

Of course, the above only scratches the surface of much deeper and complicated issues. Whether he’s bemoaning the fate of the estate he couldn’t properly manage or fuming over a lack of respect when someone dares to express an opinion contrary to his conservative views, Grantham makes sure his wounds are visible.

This isn’t just some deep character flaw, it’s indicative of a larger theme within the series. When the men, particularly Lord Grantham, go unchecked, bad stuff happens.

Born into wealth, Lord Grantham benefits from the dual privilege of manhood and money. Spending most of his life in a world that bends to his will, he has no need to care about how his actions can negatively affect those around him.

One can blame the era of Downton, a time when men talked, women listened and servants tried to stay out of the way, for Grantham’s behavior. Although the world of Downton is quite insular, show creator Julian Fellowes ensures that hot-button issues from outside of the Abbey’s walls seep in. Women were seizing opportunities for independence, proving their capabilities extended beyond polite conversation. Simultaneously, the working class that made estates like Downton possible realized they could have careers outside of the kitchen and began organizing to have their voices heard in the upper echelons of government. We see these glimmers of progressive thinking in the likes of Edith, who now owns a publishing company, Dr. Richard Clarkson, who learns to value the input of feisty Isobel when treating wounded soldiers, and former chauffeur Tom with his socialist leanings.

They stand as needed contrasts to Lord Grantham’s antiquated ways, yet Donk’s actions aren’t that different from how many men act today. Just think of manspreading on public transit, insistent and unnecessary mansplaining, and the mere fact that male is the default for human. These are only a few of the subtle reminders that the privilege of being a man is not having to make an effort to see the world from someone else’s perspective. The job titles may be different, the dress less formal, but men in power acting a fool remains the same.

There’s no denying that Lord Grantham is a fundamentally decent man who wants what he thinks is best for family and vast estate. But in these changing times, what he thinks isn’t the only thing that matters. Lord Grantham is learning that the hard way.

When I met my wife, Kate, we both lived in Baltimore. She was born and raised there, and I’d moved down the coast from Vermont a few months before. I was running toward a job and away from a breakup. We met, we drank whiskey, she spilled some into her shoe, a couple months later she moved in, and about three years after that we got married in the desert of New Mexico.

In the meantime, television hadn’t really played a role in our courtship. When I moved to Baltimore, I got cable for the first time in years, but she mainly watched documentaries on Netflix. I tried to introduce her to the Wire, it being Baltimore and all, but she was bored with the crime and the inaccuracies about her home town. “What’s a lake trout?” she asked me. “Why is everyone drinking Bud Light?”

Then we realized we could gravitate around a shared love for Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Data was her first love. I remembered being 8 and so excited about TNG that I would literally run circles around the couch, and my mom would warn me that, if I couldn’t sit down, I wouldn’t be able to watch it at all. So I sat down in a chair with a pillow across my lap, tapping invisible buttons, just like Data at the helm.

While I finished the Wire alone and tried to explain that Deadwood was more than swearing and cowboy hats, my wife was watching Say Yes to the Dress (the Atlanta one, which she said was the funny one, not the New York one, which she said was the boring one), but it couldn’t hold my attention. I’m definitely not too stuffy for that kind of show, but there’s a film of unreality to a lot of reality programming, to the point where I have a hard time investing.

But then? She introduced me to Stacy and Clinton.

I’d heard of What Not to Wear before, but the title had always turned me off. I thought it would be mean, that it would make fun of the people who appeared on it, that they would be taking folks who dressed quirkily or out of step with fashion, and cram them into one-look-fits-all outfits.

But that is not the point of view of What Not to Wear. I’ve written about my admiration for Stacy & Clinton & Ted & Carmindy before, but to put it succinctly, it’s a show where fashion/life gurus help people find their truest selves. They encourage their contributors (they call them contributors!) to look at why they wear clothes that don’t fit, why they try to avoid being seen, and why they duck away from opportunities for happiness.

But it wasn’t really that I’d found What Not to Wear. It’s that my wife had found something about me — that I was attracted to positivity, that I valued kindness over snark. I didn’t know much about fashion or style, or at least I didn’t philosophize about it, before watching What Not to Wear, but watching and talking about Stacy & Clinton led us to what is probably the television love of our lives.

Kate didn’t introduce me to Mad Men, but watching it with her and talking about it with her led me to appreciate it as more than a sophisticated soap. I think I can be a little clothes-blind when I watch television, and I’m prone to miss out on subtleties or symbols in fashion design. Even when she said something simple like, “If two characters are aligned philosophically, they’ll show them in similar colors or patterns. They’re part of the same color scheme because they’re aligned.”

In Mad Men’s season six premiere, Don and Pete were on the same page — looking outward — while Roger stood apart by looking inward. This sort of thing is worthy of its own article, but writing about it here feels like I’m trying to complete a high school Spanish assignment, or like I’m writing with my left hand. I get it, and I can do it, but it doesn’t come entirely naturally. Watching Mad Men with Kate, and talking about it after, is like having an external hard drive where I store my thoughts and revelations about the show; I agree with almost everything she discovers about the show, and I’m not a dumb guy, but boy I’d never figure that stuff out on my own.

Mad Men is our true love, but there’s another place where we feel the most comfortable. Where we go to be together in silence, often over dinner, after hard days or long days or (sometimes) just for fun.

Math? Her.

Science? Her.

Rock music? Me.

Opera? Her.

Poetry? Her.

Vice-Presidents? Me.

Novels? Both.

Alex Trebek’s dad-style bad jokes? EVERYONE, don’t front.

We still try out new shows (Jane the Virgin is on deck), and it’s a kind of game in and of itself figuring out which shows we’ll enjoy together and which we’ll enjoy separately. I’m watching Twin Peaks — I’ve seen the first season twice, but never the second — and Kate watches some episodes over my shoulder for the outfits and gender dynamics, but even when she’s not there, I look at the show differently knowing how she might react to it.

That’s a common but complicated thing — trying to understand someone else’s inner life. It’s what we’ll do our entire lives with the people we love most and the people we see every day. I think my wife’s spirit animal is Dana Scully, and I can’t watch The X-Files without wondering if this is an episode Kate would love, or be indifferent to, and why or why not either way.

More than the television we watch — together or alone — that unending desire to know someone, to see them or hear them even when they’re not around — that’s the journey of the heart, right? In marriage or in friendship or in whatever other form intimacy takes.

Remember when news broke that Jon Stewart was leaving The Daily Show? Remember how we all decided to pretend that isn’t really happening just so we can get out of bed in the morning? Well, that lie just got harder to believe.

Samantha Bee, one of the show’s best correspondents, is jumping ship this summer. Don’t cry just yet though; she’s moving over to TBS for her own show, which will be “a platform for Bee to apply her smart and satirical point of view to current and relevant issues.” We can get with that, right? This new show joins the previously announced comedy series she’s creating and executive producing alongside fellow Daily Show correspondent and husband Jason Jones (why didn’t anyone tell me they were married?!).

Not familiar with Bee’s work? Click on the gif below for a brilliant bit of performance art: