This week, you will be force-fed lists of horror movies to watch, Halloween classics to revisit, and the ever-unfunny “Treehouse of Horror” episodes from The Simpsons.

Ignore these lists. The Paul Lynde Halloween Special is the only thing worth watching this week.

Shot in 1976 and aired exactly once, the hour-long special is a crash course in camp, featuring Paul Lynde, Donny & Marie Osmond and Betty White. Margaret Hamilton reprises her role as the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz. Florence Henderson sings a disco version of “That Old Black Magic.” KISS plays three songs. Paul Lynde is fabulous. The entire thing is bonkers.

Without further ado:

Yes, kids, TV really was once this bizarre.

Have you been missing Jon Stewart recently? Yeah, me too. Have you spent many days staring out your window looking up at the sky wondering where he is, while singing “Somewhere Out There” from An American Tail? Oh, just me? Whatever; we all cope with loss in our individual ways.

No matter how you express your I-miss-Jon grief, you’ll be happy to hear this breaking news: Stewart just signed a four-year deal with HBO! He won’t be embarking on a new Daily Show-esque project just yet, but he will get things started by producing short videos that “view current events through his unique prism” for HBO Go and HBO Now (better make sure you sister/friend/ex hasn’t changed their password!).

Stewart had this to say about his new gig: “Appearing on television 22 minutes a night clearly broke me. I’m pretty sure I can produce a few minutes of content every now and again.” We can’t wait to savor each meager minute of it!

MST3K superfans: This is not a drill.

Joel Hodgson, aka the founder and better of the two hosts (wanna fight about it?) of the beloved terrible movie and riffing-based comedy show Mystery Science Theater 3000, sent a missive out into the universe yesterday, Nov. 10, by way of a Kickstarter: If we raise $2,000,000, he says, we get our beloved MST3K back on the air, in some form, for the first time since the show was canceled in 1999. He even gets kind of zen in his reasoning:

MST3K is more than just movie riffing. It’s a stranger and denser recipe than just saying smart aleck things to a forgotten movie, but I think this is the secret ingredient: we believed that it’s easiest to survive the cheesy movie that we’re living in with friends who keep us from taking it all too seriously.

Now, I don’t want to get too maudlin about it, because being too serious is the enemy of comedy. We weren’t trying to send a message: job #1 was always to make a funny show. But while we were doing that, I hope we also helped show the kids that society, and the stupid things we say and do to each other, are “just a show, and you should really just relax.”

Hodgson went on to do a Reddit AMA in the afternoon in which he answered enough questions to occupy, you know, a guy stuck on a fictional planet for an undetermined amount of time. Questions such as: Will the cast be the same? (No. And sources say Joel/Mike will be Jonah Ray.)

In any event, the fundraiser has already garnered more than half its goal just 24 hours after launching. No, I do not care to disclose what percentage of that was donated by me. Suffice it to say this is the only ’90s reboot to date that has me genuinely optimistic for something great. Meanwhile, over at the Atlantic, Megan Garber testifies as to why the show always belonged in this era to begin with.

We’ll be keeping tabs on which network or online platform bites, as Hodgson says he hasn’t exactly figured out particulars of, you know, actually releasing new episodes.

While we wait, though, All of Manos: The Hands of Fate is on YouTube.

Back in April, news of a Full House revival materialized and ’90s kids rejoiced or pretended to be too cool to care. And now we get our first peek at what Netflix has cooked up. Let’s experience this together through a live blog, shall we?

0:03 – The Netflix logo reminds us all to stop neglecting whatever series we’re currently marathoning. For me, it’s The Great British Bake-Off, which you should really be watching, if you enjoy polite Brits being really tender with each other and getting emotional about custard. But I digress…

0:04 – The Golden Gate Bridge! It feels like only yesterday that baby Mary Kate (or maybe it was Ashley) was chilling hard in the back of a convertible cruising across the Bay with John Stamos and co.

0:08 – Cable car means that I’m now really craving some Rice-A-Roni. Good work, Rice-A-Roni marketing wizards!

0:12 – A beautiful view of San Francisco featuring the Painted Ladies! Okay, can we talk? This is not where the Full House gang lived so stop saying that. They had a picnic here. That’s it! (I care too much.)

0:17 – Sad music reminiscent of The WB challenges the notion that you can’t go home again and the real Full House house appears. Maybe you cry or maybe something’s just in your eye. No judgment.

0:23 – Their kitchen has been remodeled because some interior decorator never heard the aphorism: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

0:24 – The word “eat” is painted on the wall, which is a good enough excuse for me to include my favorite Michelle Tanner eats stuff gifs:

0:25 – There is some kids’ artwork hanging. These kids won’t be Michelle or Stephanie so I plan to ignore them completely.

0:27 – February 26th is the premiere date a.k.a. when our lives change very slightly. Bring it.

0:33 – The living room has also been redecorated. A pillow reads “home.” This interior decorator is so literal.

0:37 – “Life is full again.” I mean, it would be fuller if the Olsen twins were involved in this, but okay sure.

0:38 – OMG, a baby Golden Retriever!!! Comet’s offspring! Actually, I can’t handle the idea of Comet being dead. Let’s just pretend Michelle became a scientist and figured out how to reverse-age canines. So let’s try that again: OMG, a baby Golden Retriever and still very vital Comet!!!

0:42 – “Gosh, it feels so good to be back!” D.J. says from outside. If she’s not living here yet, who redecorated? Stephanie’s way cooler than this Martha Stewart Home nonsense. And Kimmie would never. Aunt Becky? Yeah, she would. Glad we settled that.

0:44 – “I’ll grab little Tommy,” Stephanie says from behind the door. In 20 years, little Tommy will decline to participate in Fullest House.

0:46 – “Max, the hair, huh?” Uncle Jesse is still not into people touching his hair, which is totally his prerogative. We can’t see him, but he’s definitely still really hot.

0:48 – “Max, cut. It. Out!” Uncle Joey is back too! And this Max person sounds like a real problem.

0:53 – “Jackson, can you watch your brother?” Wow, D.J. was really busy.

0:58 – “D.J., you don’t need movers. You got us.” The series’ sugary-sweetness is still intact.

1:00 – The door finally opens and fade to black.

Hmm. Well, that wasn’t really much to go on, but two things are clear: I will definitely be watching in February and I’m really jazzed that Comet is still alive and will never ever die.

Last month, much to the frothy anticipation of comic book fans, Netflix released the Marvel web series Jessica Jones. If you’re an early adopter — or even if you just like reading entertainment news — you know the basics: Jessica is a private eye in NYC with superhero tendencies, PTSD, and a liver designed for whiskey. The show is set in the present, but follows the typical ’50s detective noir motif of an alcoholic anti-hero digging up dirt in a metropolis.

The twist? The show continuously subverts gender norms, and places the female protagonist in a role of kick-ass prowess.

A few of her predecessors, Xena and Buffy Summers, were instant cult heroine classics. They taught the little girls of the ’90s to throw witticisms into the face of danger, whether at a king dead-set on killing a baby fated to dethrone him, or a boyfriend who turns evil after the first time you two have sex. It’s tough to tell right now whether Jones will be an influential cult hit — she has a dark side that’s hard to stomach. What we can do is figure out where she fits on the echelon of supernatural female badassery.

First off: all three shows place a huge emphasis on female friendships. Xena’s sidekick Gabrielle helps Xena pursue the greater good with her maternal instincts, naivete, and sarcastic comebacks. She’s Xena’s moral compass and strategical mind when a roundhouse kick and screaming “ayi-ayi-ayee” just won’t cut it. Also,

the show was hugely influential with the lesbian community because of the sexual innuendos and tension between the two characters. Maybe not an obvious mainstream media win for the LGBTQ community, but a foot in the door nonetheless.

Buffy, on the other hand, has an entire band of misfits, male and female, watching her back throughout the series. The core of Xander, Willow, and Giles have stuck with her since high school. They’re loyal to a fault, and often getting caught in heartbreaking dilemmas. Jessica only really trusts her best friend Trish Walker, a famed talk show host. Jessica and Trish protect each other while independently working on their own self-preservation. Neither are damsels in distress. Neither ask for a man’s protection.

Let’s talk about the inherent beauty of campy television, and ridiculous plot devices. Xena is allegedly the daughter of Ares, yet this is never confirmed. She was first introduced on the series Hercules: The Legendary Journey as a villain. After three episodes of tireless back and forth with Hercules, Xena wooes the audience and lands her own spin-off. Now, in a series that channels much of Evil Dead 2’s humor, she becomes “a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle” and fights mythological creatures in a push-up leather get-up and flawless skin. The dialogue is cringe-worthy. The male adversaries are blundering brutes with zilch chance at overcoming Xena and Gabrielle. The show lasts six seasons; a success.

You move on to Buffy, and you see similar campy ploys, but with a big shift. We’ll get to that big shift in a sec, but first: Buffy is the only Vampire Slayer in existence (aside from Faith), yet she pretty much never has to travel to fight big bads for other countries. What’s up? How was Sunnyvale so conveniently on a Hellmouth? Despite the chiseled jawbone, why was it okay that a 200-something year old vampire, Angel, was Buffy’s first love at 16? Despite the numerous common sense foils and deus ex machina saves, Buffy The Vampire Slayer’s saving grace was the family of stalwart friends with snappy retorts and unwavering loyalty. It was unnervingly exactly what you wanted yourself.

Jessica Jones lacks camp, silliness, and warmth. Instead, you get the bleak reality of life with PTSD, and using alcohol as an emotional crutch. Jones is volatile. You want to root for her, but half of the time her friends give her better advice and she still lashes out. If you want a neat arc of human progress and resilience, Jessica Jones is not the show for you. Instead, it’s a realistic portrayal of the lasting effects of PTSD even after therapy or time has elapsed. It strays so far from campy that you want to pull it back, but the discomfort is a necessary progression of the genre.

Stretching the boundaries of female characterization past the point of likability is brave. It’s experimental, relatable, and it’s causing people to rethink what constitutes a favorite character. I’d recommend all three of these shows. They all pass the Bechdel test — and what do you know? They’re all on Netflix.  There’d be worse ways to kick off your 2016. 

Piano keys plink dramatically, a bell tolls, a single rose petal falls, a feather duster flirts with a chandelier: all portents of the final season of Downton Abbey, a soap opera we all didn’t have to feel bad about watching because of the vaguely historical storylines and the fancy British accents.

Forget everything that happened last year? Refresh your memory.
Wonder how I think everything should end? Read up.

Everyone else, let’s do this!

A crazy amount of dogs follow white dudes in fancy red coats and top hats on horseback. Right off the bat, the Downton Abbey producers are trying to make up for killing Isis, the only dog that matters. This will not work.

Thomas carries a tray of goblets out to the red coats. Maybe one of them will be his new rich love interest and he’ll finally have the means to quit this dumb job and live happily ever after? Yeah, probably not.

He passes a drink to Mary, who is wearing a bowler hat and a black coat and NOT riding side-saddle like a proper, demure lady, because, ever since her sex vacation last season, she doesn’t really give a you-know-what.

Sad, overwhelmed Molesley comes outside and all the dogs immediately sniff out his desperation and start barking at him. Per usual, Molesley sucks at life and comes *this close* to dropping everything on his tray. Carson raises an eyebrow at him that translates to: How in the world have I not fired you yet?! That’s a really good question.

A woman in a hat approaches Downton. Let it be Sybil! Maybe she faked her own death to get a break from all her nosy relatives and travel the world or become a progressive politician or something? I don’t care how outlandish the story, I just want Sybil back! #MakeItRightJulianFellowes #BringBackTheHaremPants #StandAgainstPreeclampsia

Cora Crawley reminds her husband, Robert, that he probably shouldn’t bail on some important board meeting in order to go hunting. Robert, who has learned nothing from his long history of screwing up business transactions and losing much of the family’s fortune, is like, Whatever, mom! and gallops off.

Cora should have listened to me last season when I screamed at her through my computer screen: STAY WITH THE ART DUDE! OR GO TO JAMAICA AND GET YOUR GROOVE BACK! ANYTHING BUT THIS!

Mary and Robert notice the woman in the hat and wonder who she is. She doesn’t look like Sybil so who cares.

Robert gives Mary a hard time for not being “graceful” and riding side-saddle because it’s only been 2 minutes and we need a reminder that he represents ye olde patriarchy. Mary is not having any of it.

It’s 1925. Remember when the show started with the Titanic sinking? That was 1912, which means that it’s supposedly been 13 years (math!) since we first met these characters. Even Maggie Smith has wondered how the Dowager Countess is still alive. I’m not concerned with that because the answer’s easy; a being as perfect as that is clearly an immortal goddess dating back to ancient Egypt. What I do wonder is: why is Daisy still basically a baby? Also immortal?

Carson talks to Not Sybil, who’s still loitering. I have no idea what in the world they’re talking about. Intrigue!

Mary and Edith’s kids watch Mrs. Patmore bake. One of them speaks (a first!) and asks to lick the bowl. Eventually, the subject will shift from how delicious cake batter is to how the nearly constant absence of their parents contributed to their inability to accept love or engage in any meaningful intimacy. Hopefully the family still has money for all those therapist bills by then (not likely, if Grandpa Robert keeps bailing on meetings to futz around in the woods).

Mrs. Hughes and Thomas talk about how nice (i.e. cute) the new footman, Andy, is. Then, Mrs. Hughes basically warns Thomas not to get an unrequited crush on this one. He stares at her with a weird smile for a beat too long, which means he’s fantasizing about killing her for saying that, but he snaps out of it in order to give baby George a piggy back ride ’cause why not?

Daisy asks Mrs. Hughes if she’s set a wedding date yet. She hasn’t because Carson only really kisses her on the forehead and a woman has needs. (I may have inferred a great deal of this.)

Later, Mrs. Patmore finds Mrs. Hughes for some real talk. Mrs. Hughes pretends nothing is wrong and Mrs. Patmore gives her a girl, please look. Turns out I was wrong about Mrs. Hughes wanting more than forehead kisses. She is really freaked out about having sex.

Mrs. Patmore brings in reason: “There’s nothing so terrible about it, is there?” But then she keeps talking: “…so they say…I wouldn’t know, of course.”

So you mean to tell me Mrs. Patmore, who is easily pushing 60, has never ever had sex?! Hurry up, Women’s Lib!

Mrs. Hughes thinks her “late middle age” body is repulsive and prefers the idea of living like “a very loving brother and sister” to Carson ever seeing her naked. Mrs. Patmore points out that Carson’s body is probably pretty gross too. Mrs. Hughes agrees and momentarily feels better, before asking Mrs. Patmore to go iron this whole naked sex arrangement out with Carson. Now that’s a friend!

In the stairwell, Mrs. Patmore runs into Anna, who is crying because that’s all her body knows how to do. I wish she would make a pro/con list about her marriage.

Pro: he’s kind of cute, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Con: he’s maybe murdered two different people, is always grumpy, scares potential friends away, talks a big game, but can’t back it up, etc. etc. etc.

Out in the woods, Not Sybil is loitering again. Get a hobby already!

Mary spots her and instantly falls off her horse into the mud. Her dad is kind of worried, but had suspected Mary would be taken down, one way or another, by the un-feminine way she was riding. Not Sybil looks pleased and evil in the distance.

Back at the Abbey, some insecure editor dude is yelling at Edith over the phone. He apparently doesn’t like working for a woman. Cora suggests she just sell the business and go back to just sitting around. Edith is like nah.

At the board meeting, Dowager Countess and cousin Isobel are fighting again (so much for all that ya-ya sisterhood last season). Some big hospital wants to buy their little village hospital. Countess wants to retain control. Isobel thinks it would be better for the patients if they were to hand it over. Isobel’s former suitor (you remember, the one with those jerk sons) tells her he’s glad they agree. Isobel replies by singing the chorus of Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together.”

Mary returns home to find Not Sybil lurking in the bushes. She’s had enough and confronts the mystery lady. Turns out she’s a chambermaid from the hotel where Mary had her sex vacation. Well, damn!

She allegedly has receipts to prove that Mary is a whore and wants money to keep quiet. Mary says that this isn’t the first time someone’s tried to blackmail her and walks away in the rain. Not Sybil But A Blackmailing Chambermaid keeps spewing threats.

Can we just skip this storyline? It’s the final season. Let’s spend it worrying about more important things like getting Mrs. Patmore laid and figuring out a way for Edith to kill some Nazis for probably killing her baby daddy!

Downstairs in the servants’ rec room or whatever, Anna is still being a downer. Meanwhile, Thomas is tired from giving baby Marigold piggy back rides all day. Is he grooming these children to be his accomplices since none of the other servants are evil these days?

Molesely says something like, Gosh, how great that Lady Edith found this random pauper baby in the village and wants to give her a better life! So simple and gullible. Bless his heart.

In the drawing room upstairs, Robert and Carson complain about how the servant to rich person ratio is going down. Robert then proceeds to condescendingly lecture Carson about how you can’t resist time or progress, despite the fact that he tried to do just that every moment of the previous five seasons.

In Mary’s bedroom, Anna and Mary talk about the blackmailer and the latest in Anna’s court case (she’s on bail for now) before talking about what’s really important: whatever will they do about Mary’s wet hair?!

In the shoe-shining room (if Tori Spelling’s mom can have a whole room dedicated to gift-wrapping, the Crawleys can have one for this, okay?), Bates tries to figure out why Anna is sad. She insists that she’s fine…and then bursts into sobs. She had a miscarriage. Did a woman who’s married to a creepy bore and is currently on bail for maybe killing her rapist really need another adversity, Downton writers?

At dinner, the family speaks of Tom Branson (come back!). He’s found a flat in Boston and Sybbie likes her new school. Robert uses this news as an opportunity to diss the American accent. Cora quickly reminds him that, despite her weird hybrid accent, she is an American! Again, art dude or Jamaica; you have options, Cora!

Mary announces that she is going to take over Branson’s former duties and everyone gets into a debate about whether women are capable of doing stuff. Robert has changed his tone from outright misogynist to pretend feminist: “Long live women’s rights and all that, but it’s not a good idea to take on a job that wears you out.”

Cousin Isobel brings up the hospital fight again in front of everyone. Both the Countess and I are appalled at her lack of manners.

In Carson’s office, Mrs. Patmore tries to broach the uncomfortable naked fornication subject. It’s a shame Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s “Let’s Talk About Sex” wasn’t written yet. That could have helped things along.

Mrs. Patmore finally gets around to kind of sort of bringing it up: “Do you expect to share your…way of life?” And thus, she wins the award for best euphemism for a penis ever uttered. As if we could love her any more, she then takes a shot of port and gets the hell out of there.

Upstairs, the Dowager and Robert whine about downsizing. Boo hoo.

In the sitting room, Edith mentions going to London and maybe setting up her own apartment there. One second after she leaves the room, Mary lets one fly: “Edith, alone on the town, what will she get up to?” I wish these two would duel and get it over with. Maybe it would even inspire a super popular Hamilton-esque musical!

The next day, Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore are speaking in code about sex again, when Blackmail Girl interrupts. All these servants and no one is serving as a bouncer? Who let homegirl in?!

Anyway, she wants to deliver something to Mary herself and Mrs. Hughes rightly says “We don’t know you” as shadily as Mariah Carey would, but the blackmailer makes it happen because Mrs. Hughes is busy thinking about Carson’s “way of life.”

Up in Mary’s room, Blackmail Girl says a bunch of rude things, while eating a bit of Mary’s toast. Then, she THROWS THE PIECE OF TOAST DOWN REALLY HARD! I was so scandalized, I gasped. Did you? Mary calls the woman “revolting” and has Anna, who isn’t crying for once (!), escort her out.

In the village doctor’s office, he and cousin Isobel disagree some more on the hospital crisis. He asks, “Do you not care?” I’ll answer for all of us and say, Not even a little bit. Next!

Back in Mr. Carson’s office, a police officer tells Anna and Bates that some woman has confessed to the murder of the rapist, but that they’re not in the clear just yet. Bates is pissed that he told them at all, which means that this police dude has a 82% chance of ending up mysteriously dead before the season is up.

Upstairs, Carson tells Robert about the eviction of Daisy’s father-in-law (remember she married that dying guy even though she was totally just not that into him way back?).

Downstairs, Carson runs into his fiancé and calls her Mrs. Hughes, as he always does. She suggests he start calling her Elsie. He says, nope, and then presses her to set the date. She refuses and gets the hell away from the gross naked body underneath his clothes.

The Dowager’s maid, Denker, shows up and stirs the pot by telling everyone they’re probably getting laid off. Everyone hates her and her weird eyebrows.

Upstairs, Robert confirms that yes, Daisy’s father-in-law is probably being evicted. Ah, glad that’s settled.

Over at the Dowager’s pad, Denker is now telling Spratt, the butler, that he’s probably going to be laid off. The Dowager enters and asks Spratt to let the cook know she’s ready for dinner. Spratt falls right into Denker’s trap by going all Tourette’s and blurting out, “I will, although you could have rang for her yourself!”

The Dowager whips around and has him beheaded on the spot. Well, actually she just says “I beg your pardon?!” in an outraged old lady sort of way, but it’s basically the same thing.

Upstairs, Anna tells Mary about how much she wanted to slap the blackmailer. Yes, Anna, less crying, more revenge!

In Carson’s pantry, Mrs. Patmore and Carson finally start talking about sex, albeit only through euphemisms. Carson must decide between sexless companionship or hanging from the chandeliers. Which will it be?!

Outside, Anna feels like a loser for being barren.

Back inside, Carson decides that yes, he does want to have naked sex. Mrs. Patmore says she hopes he gets to have sex soon and goes off to relay the message to Mrs. Hughes. Wow, hooking up pre-Tinder was super involved!

Spratt tattles on Denker because the “snitches get stitches” aphorism wasn’t invented yet.

In the Downton kitchen, Daisy shares her plans to attend her father-in-law’s former landlord’s auction by riding in the front of one of the Downton carriages. Mrs. Patmore says Mr. Carson won’t allow it and Daisy responds, “Even Mr. Carson can’t always have his own way.” Yes, Daisy, you immortal, ageless beauty, do whatever you want!

Ugh, Blackmail Girl is back. Molesley lets her right in ’cause, again, he sucks at life. Carson is over her too and tries to kick her out, but she worms her way in again. After a nuclear holocaust, all that will be left is cockroaches, Cher and Blackmail Girl.

In London, Edith tells her aunt that she’s met Virginia Woolf before. Way to bury the lead, Edith! I knew you were cool! Her aunt thinks so too and asks if she wants to spend the rest of her life hanging around Downton “being sniped at by Mary” or if she wants to be a hipster in London. Be a hipster, Edith! Become Virginia Woolf’s publisher and lover ’cause being with men hasn’t been really working out for you so far. Lest we forget that burn victim you crushed on who was also your maladjusted cousin or whatever!

Back at Downton, Mary comes home to find Blackmail Girl hanging out with her Papa. He pays her off, against Mary’s wishes, and BG leaves in a cloud of insults (if it was 2014, I would say “Bye, Felicia!” but I can’t anymore because 2015 happened so I’ll just leave it at “Bye”).

Mary and Robert proceed to talk about her sex vacation in a much more straightforward manner than Mr. Carson and Mrs. Patmore did earlier. Papa, I had to know if he was bad at sex before I married him and he was! she said (in so many words).

Plot twist: Robert did something awesome for a change! He only paid Blackmail Girl 50 pounds and made her sign a confession! And then he said he believes Mary can run the estate, despite her ovaries! Huzzah!

Downstairs, Mrs. Hughes is still not sure if she wants to have sex or not. Good grief, girl, just do it. You’ll like it. Unless you don’t (see: Mary’s sex vacation).

Upstairs, the Crawleys are leaving for the auction. Edith alludes to leaving Yorkshire to become a Bloomsbury hipster. Mary is at a loss for words ’cause she’s probably mad she didn’t think of it first.

Carson randomly ignores Thomas, inspiring another one of Thomas’ one-beat-too-long stares and smiles. He’s totally going to kill all of these people someday soon.

At the Dowager’s house, cousin Isobel talks about the hospital situatio….zzzzzzzzzzz. Oops, nodded off there for a second, where was I?

The Dowager off-handedly tells Denker she will miss her, although nothing is yet settled. Denker waits until she’s in the hallway to die a little inside. The Dowager then shares some advice on how to be a boss with cousin Isobel: “Sometimes, it’s good to rule by fear.”

At the auction, the Crawleys chat with the sad sack who has to sell all his stuff and move to a small hole in London. He warns ominously not to hang on so long that they lose everything. Edith is like, Right on! ’cause she’s moving soon and no longer gives a damn.

In a different room, Daisy and her father-in-law, whose family lived and worked at this place for generations, gawk at all the rich people’s things…until Daisy finds the new owner who is kicking her father-in-law out and loudly lets him have it. What all that book learnin’ has wrought!

Robert and Edith keep trying to stop her from speaking, but she has something to say! Cliffs Notes version: The proletariat rules, the aristocracy drools. This does not go over well.

Back at Downton, Daisy worries aloud about how she’s probably going to get fired, but everyone is like, Shut up, the police officer is back! He tells everyone that the confession has been confirmed. Anna is officially a free woman!

The Crawleys run downstairs to pop some bottles. They even get out the gramophone! Everyone does the 1925 version of twerking.

Anna is excited and all, but she brings up her inability to have babies again ’cause she’s gotten used to always being distraught over something.

Carson finds Cora and Robert, asks if he should fire Daisy and compares what she did to Guy Fawkes blowing up Parliament. Those two incidents are exactly the same; you’re right, Carson. Ugh, I hope he never ends up having sex. Thankfully, Cora and Robert respond with a tepid meh.

Mrs. Hughes and Carson finally talk about sex and agree to do it, even though Carson doesn’t deserve it. “If you want me, you can have me, warts and all,” she says. Then, they make out…using their lips!…zero foreheads involved! Good for them.

FIN.

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Blackmail Girl/Not Sybil: Better luck next time, loitering jerk. P.S. You’re probably going to hell for throwing that piece of toast like that. Hope you packed sunblock.

HONORABLE MENTION: Isis: The Downton producers are gonna have to find more dogs than that, if they want us to forget you, old friend (impossible).

BRONZE: Daisy: Tell it, sister! And stay in school!

SILVER: Edith: For knowing Virginia Woolf and planning on moving out. Your day in the sun has come at last (or has it?)!

GOLD: Mrs. Patmore: We would all be so lucky to have a bestie like you. Talking to Carson, the stodgiest person ever to live, about boinking? That’s immediate first place status. A Nobel Peace Prize isn’t out of the question either. Take note, other Downton denizens!

Until next week!

Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 6 Recap: Runaway Train

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 7 Recap: Dog Days Are Over

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 8 Recap: London Calling

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Finale Recap: All I Want for Christmas Is You

In case the breathless coverage of Full House in the past hasn’t tipped you off, I’m a fan of the show and cautiously intrigued by the revival. Netflix just released the first photos from the set, which means it’s my duty to overanalyze them. Let me find my magnifying glass.

Found it! Let’s give these pics a look.

The girls are all grown up! And apparently share the same hair stylist! Stephanie and Kimmie wanted to keep the uniformity going by wearing feline-inspired fashions. D.J. was like nah, this random baby will probably just throw up on it so uninspired grey shirt it is!

Someone on Twitter pointed out that the house looks like the one from Step By Step. If you’re making this face right now, you’re not alone:

Ugh, kids. I understand that this show is more about grabbing the attention of a whole new generation à la Girl Meets World, but I can’t help but want everything to be about me and the other old people on the show.

I’m a novice body language reader so I’m going to go ahead and say that D.J. is going to be a stick-in-the-mud helicopter mom (her husband died so she won’t want her sons to take any risks). Stephanie will fill Uncle Jessie’s shoes and be the fun aunt who’s rock ‘n’ roll in the tamest way possible. The oldest kid is going to reach puberty and for sure have a weird dream about Stephanie. The younger brother will be a pyromaniac for at least two episodes. If Kimmie’s daughter’s knack for matching prints — turtles and gemstones! — is any indication, she will out-quirk her mother, who has been tamed by old age. How will Kimmie deal with being a disciplinarian and welcomed guest rather than a rule-breaker and constant interloper?

Okay, now things are getting interesting!! Damn, Stephanie, yes! San Francisco is a very different place than it was back in the ’90s so why not pretend it’s Vegas? Meanwhile, Kimmie is imitating a dog or cat, while D.J. continues to be a judgmental wet blanket.

Aww, still the kind of feel-good show that makes your teeth hurt. Danny Tanner looks on and feels pride at how well his daughters turned out, but he can’t ignore that gnawing, hollow feeling in his chest over Michelle, who’s decided to cut ties with her family to be Anna Wintour. Also, he’s trying really hard to stop himself from cleaning something.

Uncle Jessie and Aunt Becky must have sold their Aryan twins for an immortality elixir because damn, they’re still really hot. And, last and also least, Uncle Joey sadly looks down at his hands, which aided him in doing whatever drove Alanis to write the ultimate diss track, “You Oughta Know.”

Fuller House premieres on Netflix on February 26th.

Did you cool down from all that hanky panky talk in last week’s season premiere? Yeah, me neither, but the show must go on!

A stranger cycles towards the Abbey. He might just be the mailman. Or he’s arrived to either blackmail Lady Mary for having sex or accuse Bates or Anna of killing some rando. If it’s the latter, I quit.

Downstairs, Daisy runs around with a plate of butter being cute. Other less cute people also do stuff. Molesley irons the pages of a newspaper (think about this next time a Crawley boo-hoos over not having as much money as in the good ol’ days).

Upstairs, Robert and his second and third favorite daughters (R.I.P. Sybil) gossip about Rose.  Remember her? She dated a black jazz musician and married a Jewish dude from a broken home? The scandal! Well, she has a Hamptons house now and might be pregnant. Here’s hoping Robert isn’t in charge of medical decisions during her delivery (again, R.I.P. Sybil).

Someone downstairs wants to speak to the Agent of the estate. Mary, who has taken over those duties, says “I want to be left to manage him. It’s my job!” Carson stops in his tracks and raises his eyebrows. He holds back from screaming: “But you have ovaries!”

Robert asks Carson about his wedding a.k.a. the day he and Mrs. Hughes start having all the sex. Carson shares that they’ve set a date, but are still looking for a place to hold the reception. Mary says, Here, duh! Robert comes in for the assist and…fails miserably, as he almost always does. “We can decorate the servants hall and make it look really special.” This statement is the sequel to “Let them eat cake.” Off with his super rich, blinded-by-a-lifetime-of-privilege head!

Mary gets this and reprimands her embarrassing dad: “I don’t want to discuss it now in a rush. We’ll have a proper conversation later.” *cue a chorus of middle schoolers saying oooooo after a classmate is called to the principal’s office*

Did you notice that everyone completely ignored Edith’s existence and the two things she said in this scene? You probably ignored her too! No wonder Cora didn’t even bother showing up to this lame breakfast. These people don’t appreciate a fine woman when she’s sipping tea right in front of them.

Downstairs, Molesley brings up that time Daisy lost her sh*t on her father-in-law’s new landlord and ensured his eviction. Daisy self-flogs.

The Agent-seeker meets with Mary. She breaks her new role to him and he tries not to burn everything to the ground. They talk about pigs a lot.

On a walk outside, Mrs. Hughes incredulously repeats Robert’s version of “Let them eat cake” to Carson. Have her reception in the servants hall? As if! She doesn’t want to be a servant on her wedding day. Carson counters: But we’ll still invite these rich people who don’t actually value me at all, but whom I live to serve, right??? Mrs. Hughes gives him a side-eye and then this exchange takes place:

Mrs. Hughes: “Why? Did you think you would have to get married without Lady Mary to witness it?”

Carson: “She’s an important figure in my life, Mrs. Hughes. I won’t apologize.”

No one said marriage was easy, y’all!

Over at the Dowager’s mansion, cousin Isobel, Robert, the doctor whose name I never remember, and the Countess sit around and argue some more about this hospital take-over. Robert says something glib about wanting to save lives. His mother hits back: “If you can’t say anything helpful, Robert, please be silent.” Although a bit long, this should have been the title of the show.

Cousin Isobel wants to get Cora involved because she knows Cora agrees with her side of things. I don’t 100% understand what all this fuss is about and why it deserves a multi-episode arc, but I always side with the Dowager. Dear cousin Isobel, know your place. You just got here.

Back at Downton, the newbie footman Andy talks about how he likes it there and wants to walk and explore more. Thomas offers to join because Andy is cute and Thomas hasn’t gotten some in a while. Andy says something to the effect of no homo. Mrs. Hughes agrees. Why is she so invested in keeping Thomas celibate? Just ’cause you have issues with your body and sex doesn’t mean others can’t get some. Let Thomas live!

Moments later, Carson makes fun of the fact that Thomas might be laid off soon. I hope you’re not a fan of Mrs. Hughes and Carson ’cause their wedding is shaping up to be a reprise of the wedding in Kill Bill. 13-year-old spoiler: It’s bloody.

Somewhere in town, Molesley follows a bunch of kids and asks to talk to their teacher. He could definitely use more schooling. Let’s hope that’s what this is about.

Back at Downton, some sexist is yelling at Edith on the phone again. She tells him to calm down. By now, we people of the future know this only makes matters worse, but it’s 1925 and Edith doesn’t know anything about conflict resolution.

Edith goes to complain to her family about how hated she is. Mary rolls her eyes. Like I said last week, these two need to just duel it out already.

More talk about the boring hospital thing, which is thankfully interrupted by the children. Mary wants to take the kids on a field trip to see pigs at a local farm, which conveniently is the very farm where Edith kept Marigold hidden while she was pretending not to be post-partum depressed last year. Edith gets super anxious. Mary calls her a ninny. Same ol’, same ol’.

Downstairs, Molesley finds Daisy and tells her about his visit with the town schoolmaster. He gives her old exams from previous years so she can be prepared to take one of her own. Daisy is like This is nice and all, but I’m pretty busy planning to meddle some more in my father-in-law’s affairs. K thanks bye! 

Upstairs in Mary’s bedroom, Mary asks Anna why she’s still a British lady reincarnation of Eeyore, despite her and her husband being acquitted. Anna brings up the time she had to go buy Mary a diaphragm (good times!) and then confides about her miscarriages. Mary feels bad and probably thinks something along the lines of: My maid has more problems than a math book.

In town, Isobel runs into her ex. He talks about how the locals need better health care and the hospital take-over will make things better. Like last week, he mentions how glad he is that they are allies on this issue. And, again, Isobel sings Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together.” She then gets excited about battling the Dowager and predicts there will be “wigs on the green.” 2016 translation: wigs are about to be snatched!

In the servants’ quarters, Thomas offers to help cute newbie Andy wind the clocks and is spurned for the 908th time. It’s really too bad He’s Just Not That Into You wasn’t out back in 1925. Thomas could really use it right about now.

At the village farm, Mary is busy talking about pigs, while Mr. Drew and Cora are trying to speed things along before his crazy jealous wife a.k.a. Marigold’s fake mom comes back.

Too late! His wife gets all mama bear with Marigold and Mr. Drew implores “Let her go, Margie.” She begrudgingly does and Cora gets Marigold the hell out of there. This goes down in history as the shortest and most polite hostage crisis.

Back at Downton, Thomas plans to go on a job interview nearby. He hopes there are cute boys there who will let him wind their clocks, if you know what I mean.

Upstairs, Mary tells Carson that, despite what her father stupidly said about making up the servants’ hall for his wedding reception, it can be held in any of the upstairs rooms. Robert is sour about her fixing his faux pas and still has no clue why what he said was demeaning and offensive. Some things never change!

In the shoe-polish room, where everything always happens, Anna is in the dark crying again. Bates tries to comfort her with trite passages he read in a greeting card once. He asks if she would consider adoption. Anna says she would, but that Bates is “tribal” and wants his own child. He’s doesn’t deny this and then continues to be entirely unhelpful: “To me, we are one person. And that person can’t have children.” What poetry! I’m not sure who I’m more annoyed with: Bates or the writer who got paid to write that.

In London, the sexist phone caller is now yelling at Edith IRL. She fires him on the spot. No, actually she just takes it ’cause her superpower is soaking in all forms of criticism and ire like a sponge and then crying it all out at night and sometimes even almost burning down the house while she’s at it.

Thomas shows up for his interview and any hopes for sexy clock-winding are quickly dashed because of an impressive gaydar. “You’re a delicate looking fella, aren’t you?” the homophobe interviewer asks, before bullying Thomas for not being married. Add this dude to the list of people Thomas will most likely murder soon.

Back at Downton, Mary tells Anna she wants to help her with this whole no babies thing. OMG, is she going to find her a surrogate and help her pretend she was pregnant all along, like Beyonce (allegedly) did with Blue Ivy? Oh, they’re just going to visit a doctor to see what’s up. That works too, I guess.

Anna keeps refusing help, but Mary points out all the times Anna has helped her in a time of need: hiding “that fearful Dutch thingamajig” (we all must call contraceptives this from now on) and carrying the Turk’s dead body out of her room. They have a good, long laugh thinking about how Mary killed a man with her vagina.

It only takes 3.2 seconds for Anna to turn back into Eeyore. She mopes about how going to the doctor or even a potential operation probably won’t work. The only way Mary avoids strangling her sadsack neck is to ask her if she’ll tell Bates.

Anna says she won’t. “He’d help too much.” Translation: he would try killing someone again and this final season doesn’t have enough running time to include a third instance of Bates maybe going to jail.

Have y’all ever noticed that Bates is basically Lennie from Of Mice and Men? Always meaning well, but accidentally hurting or killing things? That novel takes place in the 1930s, which could mean that this entire show is an origin story and Bates does something awful at Downton and must flee to California’s Salinas Valley to assume a new identity. I wouldn’t rule it out!

In their bedroom, Cora and Robert talk about how Mrs. Drew wants to “swallow [Marigold] whole.” Cora asks about the possibility of making the Drews move ’cause she knows that, once Mrs. Drew finds a windowless white van, she’ll be kidnapping Marigold tout de suite.

Downstairs, Baxter encourages Daisy not to be angry with Cora for not being able to help Daisy’s father-in-law. Daisy’s A+ response: “It’s the system’s fault! That’s what makes me angry: the system! And she’s part of it!” Out of the mouth of immortal, ageless, partially educated babes! Revolution is nigh! Tom Branson would be so proud.

In London, Edith and her aunt drink booze out of tiny glasses and talk about fine dining, shopping and the joys of living alone. On that last note, Rosamund correctly points out: “That’s the danger of living alone. It can be very hard to give up.” I’m so with her on this one. Nothing’s better than coming home and doing whatever the hell you want without someone being there to judge you for eating raw cookie dough out of a bowl in your underwear while watching a marathon of The Great British Baking Show. Oh, you don’t do that? Uh, yeah, me neither. Anywaaay, how is super chill Rosamund related to her loser brother Robert? It boggles the mind.

Downstairs at Downton, Mrs. Hughes tells Carson she doesn’t want to get married at Downton because it’s not who they are. Carson, who’s convinced himself that he’s a part of the Crawley family, despite the whole waiting on them hand and foot for a lifetime thing, doesn’t agree, but plans to decline the offer because happy wife, happy life or whatever people say.

Outside, Bates and Anna talk about her trip to London. Anna alludes to her secret gyno appointment:

Bates: Well, try and put your feet up.

Anna: Yes, I will be putting my feet up.

This marks the first time a scene featuring these two has made me laugh. Well done, all.

In the dining room, Cora mentions that she’s meeting with the Dowager, the village doctor and Isobel about hospital bizness. Then we get a peek into what a happy marriage looks like:

Robert: [referring to inviting Isobel] Is that wise?

Cora: At least she’s an ally I can rely on, even if I can’t rely on you.

Robert: I didn’t tell you about the meeting bec…

Cora: [to Mary] “What time’s your train?”

Brrr, it’s gonna be cold in the marital bed tonight!

The family switches the topic over to Carson’s wedding reception. Carson tries to get out of having it at Downton, but Lady Mary vows that the reception will be there if it’s the last thing she does. Uh oh, Mrs. Hughes is going to be soooo pissed.

At the hospital, Cora admits she’s on Team Give Up the Hospital. The Countess is desperate to change the tide with some manipulative psychology: “Are you saying Dr. Clarkson is a bad doctor?” Cora doesn’t find this as amusing as I do and decides to leave. Isobel rubs salt in the wound on her way out: “I’ll come with you. We must give them time to gnash their teeth alone.”

At the future kidnapper’s farm, Robert tries to convince Mr. Drew to move away before his wife does something dumb. It doesn’t work.

In Carson’s office, Mrs. Hughes blows up when Carson tells her Lady Mary insists they have their reception upstairs. “Heaven forfend we lowly folk should do anything to contradict the blessed Lady Mary!” Yeesh! This is getting ugly fast! Remember the forehead kisses, guys?

Apparently not because Mrs. Hughes is still at it: “We’ll be doing it your way for the next 30 years, I know that well enough, but the wedding day is mine!” Good grief, Mrs. Hughes has become such a drama queen since she’s gotten engaged. First the whole I never want to have sex or be naked ever again thing and now this? Also, it’s super sad that she’s resigned to doing everything Carson’s way for the next 30 years. Although I guess a dark silver lining is that, let’s be real, neither of them have another 30 years left. (Hey, don’t get mad at me for speaking truth; people lived shorter lives back then!)

Upstairs, Baxter…you know what, I think you should just see it for yourself ’cause I’m too busy laughing:

“No.” Ha ha ha.

Okay, sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah. Cora has a secret plan to help Daisy so she’ll shut up about her father-in-law and the evil power structures that keep the poor in their place, while making the 1% richer. Bloody revolution has been averted…for now.

In London, Anna finds out she suffers from a rude-sounding condition called “cervical incompetence.” (Between this and preeclampsia, I’ve learned a whole lot about women’s reproductive health, haven’t you?) It’s okay though ’cause the doctor can fix it with an out-patient operation done at her own house! How much do you wanna bet that she tries to have this operation done without Bates knowing and he happens to walk in on it and thinks something else is going on and Bates kills the doctor and maybe Anna too? I bet you 75 cents (I need quarters for laundry).

The next day, Bates knows something’s up because Anna is  acting “bouncy” instead of weeping in the shoe polish room like usual.

In the village, there are a ton of farm animals in pens being judged. The whole gang is in attendance, including Mrs. Drew, who instantly locks eyes on Marigold. Amber alert in 3, 2, 1…

Andy is bowling nearby and Thomas insists on embarrassing himself further by first asking Andy to come with him to see Mary’s pigs (declined) and then to help teach Andy how to bowl (double declined). Mrs. Patmore is there to say Dude, give it a rest. He’s not gay! Thomas still thinks he is. This better be going somewhere!

Mrs. Drew stares at Marigold some more. Okay, I get it. You grew attached to the baby when you had her for a few months, but you have a boatload of kids already. Focus on them and leave this little heiress alone. I know you won’t though.

Mrs. Hughes and Carson argue some more about this stupid reception. Just don’t get married!!! Problem solved!

First prize for fattest pig or whatever goes to Lady Mary’s swine! Everyone celebrates for exactly two seconds before they realize Marigold is missing! Didn’t I tell y’all???

Everyone hyperventilates and runs around for a while, until they remember that, oh yeah, that obsessed, unhinged lady probably took her.

The gang heads to the Drew farm, where Mr. Drew finds his wife cradling and humming to Marigold. “She was bored,” she explains. “They were paying her no attention, none at all!” Okay, she’s right about the last bit. These kids are such afterthoughts. But the crazy unravels further. “Of course I brought her here. This is her home!” Girl, please give it a rest.

Mr. Drew calmly begs her to hand over the child, the same way you talk to someone pointing a gun at your face. She eventually does and then dramatically watches him give Marigold back from a window.

Mr. Drew tells Robert he will start looking for a new home (one close to a loony bin presumably). Robert relays the news to Edith and Cora and they’re like Ugh, finally. Anyway, what’s for dinner? 

And scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Bates and Mrs. Drew: Both kid obsessed. How about they run away together? Mr. Drew and Anna will be sad at first, but will eventually find solace in each other. Mr. Drew will finally stop making that frowny face all the time and Anna will quit crying while surrounded by shoes. It’s a win-win!

HONORABLE MENTION: Anna: I forgot about all the gangster stuff she’s done in the past. Buying contraceptives and moving dead bodies? That counts for something.

BRONZE: Mr. Drew: It’s a hard knock life when you can’t stop your wife from kidnapping other people’s children, but he does the best that he can.

SILVER: Daisy: In last week’s rankings, I awarded Daisy bronze for telling it like it is. She turned up the heat even more this week with her still-relevant critique of society’s inherently evil and unfair power structures. If Tumblr was around in the 1920s, Daisy would have had so many social justice-inclined followers.

GOLD: Rosamund: Robert may have inherited the mansion, but Rosamund inherited all the badass coolness from the Dowager. Keep doing you! Just say no to roommates!

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

It’s that time again! Only two episodes deep and we’ve already experienced an abduction, a miscarriage, an exoneration and a formal let’s-get-butt-naked-in-front-of-each-other-and-have-sex-instead-of-living-as-creepy-siblings agreement. What will happen next?? (Hopefully some clock winding for Thomas!) Note: if you don’t get my clock winding reference, you’re a bad person who didn’t read my recap from last week. Make it right! For the rest of you, onward!

The show opens with a bustling kitchen. Mrs. Patmore orders Daisy to put something in the oven. The camera moves away before Daisy can stand on a soap box and shout: “DOWN WITH THE SYSTEM!”

Mrs. Patmore follows Mrs. Hughes upstairs, who is still complaining about her wedding. Thomas won’t be able to get married for another 90 years, but you don’t hear him complaining, do you? Instead, he spends his days seducing cute straight boys and plotting to kill rude straight boys. Mrs. Hughes should take a page out of his book and get a hobby.

Anyway, Mrs. Hughes really hates hors d’oeuvres and how rich people “stand about with nibbly bits stuck in their teeth.” She wants her wedding to be less stuffy and more turnt, but Carson won’t let her. Wahhhh, I have to have my wedding in a palatial English mansion for free! 

Mrs. Patmore tries to convince Mrs. Hughes to order a wedding dress from a catalogue and explains how easy it would be. Hughes responds: “I know what a catalogue is, thank you!” Okay, time out. Dear ungrateful Mrs. Hughes, you wouldn’t even be getting married in the first place, if your BFF Patmore hadn’t brokered that sex accord on your behalf. Put a little gratitude in your attitude, okay?

Mrs. Hughes shows Mrs. Patmore the brown dress she plans to wear on her wedding day. Mrs. Patmore’s response is the 1925 version of this:

In the drawing room, the Dowager Countess checks to see if a side table is dusty. The scene could honestly end there and I would be happy. Instead, her ineffectual son strolls in and they talk about the hospital drama. She insists he stop talking to anyone who isn’t her (not a terrible life goal).

Robert: You can’t expect me to avoid talking to my own wife!

Dowager Countess: Why not? I know several couples who are perfectly happy, haven’t spoken in years.

Hear that, unhappily married folk? Scrap those marriage counseling appointments and keep living it up in your separate bedrooms.

Edith comes in and her relatives notice for once. She’s heading to London to get yelled at by her sexist editor some more. Granny is concerned about the propriety of a young woman staying in a city flat alone. Edith is like Don’t worry. I’m middle-aged and repulsive. 

Mary comes in and mentions her traitorous mother, Cora. The Countess is like Ew, I’m out of here.

Robert: Why not stay and say hello?

Dowager Countess: Oh, I have a feeling Cora and I will be saying “Hello” rather less than “En garde!” in the next few weeks.

The Countess then pretends her walking stick is a sword. I repeat, the Countess pretends her walking stick is a sword!!! Cora and Isobel better watch their backs.

Back at chez Countess, Spratt is minding his own business, playing with his stamp collection. Miss Denker shows up to tell him his pastime is stupid. Such a mean drunk!

Someone rings at the door and Spratt answers. He seems freaked and won’t tell Miss Denker who it was. Here’s hoping it was the horny Russian dude from last season so the Countess’ storyline can be about more than just some dumb hospital no one cares about.

Upstairs in Mary’s room, she and Anna wonder why Edith doesn’t just fire the sexist. Good question! “Unless she enjoys racing up to London in a swirling cloud of crisis and drama.” Ding, ding, ding! Sorry, Edith, I root for you always, but sometimes Mary is right.

Mary reads a letter from Branson aloud. He’s depressed and homesick ’cause wouldn’t you be if you moved to Boston?

Anna then shares some news: she might be pregnant again! Mary exclaims that Bates has really powerful sperm. Then, as if asked to sum up her entire existence in just six words, Anna utters the following:

Mary: How exciting!

Anna: I don’t want to be excited.

Yep, that about sums her up!

Downstairs, cute Andy asks Thomas if he’s looking for a new job in the paper. Thomas flirts back, “I might be. Would you be sorry?” And then they play spin the bottle and kiss for a really long time because rules are rules. Sigh. You know they don’t, but I have a dream! Make it so, Julian Fellowes!

Upstairs in the dining room, cousin Isobel is gloating about her rivalry with the Countess because it’s the only thing that makes her relevant. Her face has an upcoming date with a certain walking stick/pretend sword.

Cora asks Carson to bring Mrs. Hughes upstairs for a chat. Everyone is shocked. But she’s poor and we’re eating!

In the downstairs kitchen, Daisy is talking about Cora maybe helping her evicted father-in-law because Downton writers can’t help but beat their storylines like decomposing horses.

Upstairs, Mrs. Hughes awkwardly is like Uhh, what do you want? Cora apologizes for putting her on the spot and then does just that. Mrs. Hughes is forced to explain why she doesn’t want an hors d’oeuvres kind of reception in front of rich people who love hors d’oeuvres. It’s awkward.

Hughes’ list of demands:

• a proper breakfast
• tables and chairs
• a guest list that includes poor people
• the schoolhouse as the venue
• tunes
• for things to turn into a “hooley” (I had to look this up; it’s Irish slang for a rager)

Mary’s rebuttal:

It is decided Hughes will have her hooley, after all. Carson and Mrs. Hughes leave the room and Mary turns on her mom.

Mary: Why did we have to listen to that?!

Cora: I want you to stop bullying them and let them do it their way.

Mary: You think I’m a bully? I think you’re a snob!

Isobel: How do you make that out?

[Carson walks back in just in time to hear:]

Mary: She didn’t want the bother of a servants’ wedding in the hall!

Everyone hides their faces in tiny tea cups.

On the other side of town, the Countess wants some hot chocolate before being tucked in. Instead of going off to make it, Denker attempts to gossip about Spratt’s personal life. The Countess is like I don’t know and I don’t care! Now go make me a warm delicious beverage and don’t you dare spit in it! 

Back at Downton, Carson and Robert celebrate Thomas maybe getting another job. Okay, I know Thomas is sneaky and always up to something, but he’s been pretty chill in recent years. Leave him alone!

In London, Edith runs into an acquaintance and says various glass-half-empty type things. Ugh, I have a magazine. Ugh, I miss my daught…uhhh, I mean, the random child who stays with my family for no reason. He is charmed for some reason and asks her out. Her super sexy reply: “Well, it will have to be near the office.”

Somewhere in Yorkshire, Thomas is at his job interview. The place is Grey Gardens without the cats, raccoons and patriotic dancing. The only furniture is a table with a dead bear on it, two couches piled high with old newspapers and a fireplace grate draped with underwear. Employer dude is not all there because his wife died and his two sons never came back from the war, but he’s kind of a poet:

“Do you know what I shall always remember? The women going up to bed at the end of the evening. Their faces lit by the flame from the candle. Yes, diamonds twinkling as they climbed up into the darkness.”

After the moving recitation, T.S. Eliot starts randomly freaking out about Thomas maybe being a Republican. If we lived in an alternate universe where I had paid attention in my high school History class, this is where I would place this scene into context by dropping some early 20th century political knowledge. Instead, all you’re going to get is this:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .

At Edith’s newspaper, Sexist Editor is going off again. Emboldened by her happy hour date, Edith fires him in a polite, British way. A random feminist secretary watches it all go down from the hallway and reacts like this:

Now they have to put together the magazine themselves in just nine hours! But — oh no! — Edith forgot all about her date! She runs to the bar and explains the situation. He’s down to help. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re married by the end of the episode.

Downstairs back at Downton, Molesley helps Daisy study and then spills about the Drews being run out of town because of that unsavory kidnapping business. Daisy is stoked. Her father-in-law can take their house! Let’s hope that happens so we can put this dull storyline to bed.

At the Countess’ pad, the police chief stops by. Apparently, Spratt’s nephew broke out of jail and is now on the run. So I guess we’re not going to get a sequel to the Dowager/Russian dude fling, like I hoped. Denker lies to the cop so that she can blackmail Spratt until the end of time.

Back at the London office, Edith learns how to collage and they meet their deadline. The magazine is saved! Baby’s first 9 hour work day! Edith and her date take turns complimenting each other and then discuss how sad a future without servants will be.

Back at Downton, Mrs. Patmore shows Anna and Daisy a catalogue dress she secretly ordered for Mrs. Hughes. It’s their turn to say:

Early the next morning, Baxter helps Cora get ready for the day, while Robert snores a few feet away (you know, ’cause it isn’t awkward enough dressing a grown woman).

In the hallway, Cora runs into Daisy, who immediately goes into her Thank you m’lady for helping my father-in-law even though you haven’t actually said you would routine. Mrs. Hughes eventually breaks it up and Cora holds herself back from screaming, Keep the riffraff away from me, goddamnit!!

In Mary’s room, Anna tells her about the ugly effing catalogue dress. Mary offers to let Mrs. Hughes borrow an evening coat of her mother’s (revenge for Cora calling Mary a bully earlier?). This should be good.

Downstairs, Mrs. Hughes complains about her lame dress some more.

In Doctor Clarkson’s office, all the old people argue about the hospital merger again because we haven’t already had 52 scenes of them doing that. Cousin Isobel, not content to just gloat for all eternity, insults Clarkson by suggesting that he’s just sour because he won’t be important once other doctors show up. The Countess does the verbal equivalent of striking Isobel in the face with her walking stick: “Did you drink at luncheon?” Pow!

In the servants’ rec room, cute Andy still isn’t gay.

Upstairs, Edith’s editorial victory is celebrated by Robert and tolerated by Mary. Cora comes in to complain about her “ghastly” afternoon and runs upstairs in a fit before Mary can tell her about that whole business about a poor person wearing her clothes.

Mrs. Patmore and Anna are in the middle of helping Mrs. Hughes try on a long fur coat when Cora bursts in and goes berserk. Hell hath no fury like a rich person who hasn’t had their afternoon nap.

Anna later tells Mary that her mom treated them like thieves and unnecessarily gave Mrs. Hughes yet another wedding-related thing to complain about.

Mary storms into her parents’ room to ask WTF. Robert tries to use the fact that Cora had to watch old people fight about boring stuff that afternoon as an excuse for her behavior.  Mary keeps it real: “Does that excuse insulting a woman who has served us faithfully for many years, who simply wanted something nice to be married in?” Mary does have a heart!

Downstairs, Thomas underlines the real trauma of the whole ugly incident: “Typical though, isn’t it? 30 years of service, one wrong move, and snap, you’re out on your ear.” Carson, ever the aristocracy apologist, is like Nu uh!

And because she can apparently only hold one single thought in her head at a time, Daisy randomly brings up her father-in-law again. You were barely married to that dude! No one cares!!!

Downstairs, Mrs. Hughes and Patmore roll their eyes about Cora, which is Cora’s cue to come in and apologize and hand over a free coat (Mrs. Hughes’ poverty-stricken, oily fingers already touched it so it was ruined anyway).

The next morning, the girl servants excitedly wake up Mrs. Hughes who has her hair in a super long braid (what other secrets does Mrs. Hughes keep from us?!).

Elsewhere, Molesley presents Carson with white rose boutonnières for the wedding. They’re meant to be worn by the ushers. Carson is like But I don’t have any friends, except Lady Mary. Oh, F it, take one and give one to cute Andy and none for Thomas. 

Cut to the church where we’re finally getting this wedding over with. Part of Carson’s vows are “With my body, I thee worship.” Yeah, I bet you will the second your anti-hors d’oeuvre hooley reception ends, you minx!

At the reception, Mr. and Mrs. Carson receive their guests and pretend not to hate Cora.

A few paces away, Spratt is minding his business, when Denker comes up and whispers threats in his ear. Can I order one cane to the face please?

Elsewhere, Anna’s happiness is darkened by her rain cloud of a husband. “You would tell me if you’d fallen in love with someone else?” Where did that even come from? So insecure and creepy!

Molesley points out Daisy to the schoolmaster and talks up what a good student she’s become.

Schoolmaster: Have you missed your vocation?

Molesely: I’ve missed everything.

:-*(((((((

Daisy and her father-in-law go up to Cora and thank her so much for something she has no intention of actually doing. It’s super awkward.

Carson gives a toast and the (for the most part) happy couple kiss, but everyone looks away and starts freaking out over something else because Tom Branson and Sybbie are back from their passage through hell a.k.a. Boston!!! Thunder: stolen.

The Carsons are Miss Colombia, Tom and Sybbie are Miss Philippines.

Branson explains how Downton rules and America drools. Everyone gets excited about his comeback because there haven’t been any hot boys at the Abbey in a long while.

Sybbie, George and Marigold group hug. Everyone goes awwww!

And scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Cora: Sharing is caring, especially when you own 5000 coats. Check yourself.

HONORABLE MENTION: Branson: Thanks for bringing your hot face back to Downton.

BRONZE:  T.S. Eliot Interviewer Dude: His hard circumstances transformed him into a wordsmith butterfly. I hope Edith’s buddy Virginia Woolf invites him to be part of her Bloomsbury clique so he doesn’t have to spend the rest of his days sitting on that ratty couch watching his underwear dry.

SILVER:  Thomas: Hang in there, buddy. If there is justice in this world, cute Andy is just severely closeted and you will eventually get yours. <3

GOLD: Dowager Countess: Everything she says is gold, everything she touches is dusty and every accessory she owns also can serve as a weapon in a pinch. She has it all figured out (well, except what weekends are).

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

It’s been a week since the Carsons got Miss Colombia’d at their own wedding reception by the return of prodigal son Branson and his cute offspring. Is that incident the new thing Mrs. Hughes will spend all her time complaining about? Did she and Mr. Carson finally get it on? Will baby Sybbie and her cousins get a spin-off show? Will Thomas finally get to make out with someone? All (or none) of these questions will be answered on tonight’s episode! Let’s do this!

The show opens with Branson gazing upon Downton’s ridiculously expansive grounds. He’s basically the Powerball winner of 1925. What dumb luck!

Back indoors, Branson tells the family about how much America sucks. He also is concerned he stole the Carsons’ thunder. Uh, ya think?! Robert, always the voice of un-reason, is like Oh, whatever, you made the wedding less boring. I’m sure they loved it.

Because it’s been approximately 22 seconds since Mary and Edith got into a fight, Edith brings up the fact that Mary will probably have to give up being a feminist ball-busting Agent, now that Branson is back. Branson is like, I’m still jet lagged, can we not? Mary makes a mental note to sharpen her switchblade.

The gang talks about how lame the Carsons’ honeymoon destination is (because poor people hang out there) before changing the topic to Aunt Rosamund, who’s coming to town to meddle in the hospital drama. Get ready for some geriatric fireworks!

An aside: Cora never eats breakfast with her family. Should we be concerned? Eating disorder? Is she the one who takes care of the kids off screen? Is she keeping watch over her coats to make sure no servants touch them with their grimy little fingers? Or does she just hate everyone too much to sit next to them at this point?

Downstairs, the Sergeant is looking for Ms. Baxter. Seriously, why is everyone in this house not better at covering up their crimes? Anna and Bates are excited it’s not them for once.

Thomas is annoyed at Mrs. Patmore for receiving the visitor ’cause that’s kind of his gig. Mr. Carson is still off naked somewhere with Mrs. Hughes so Patmore steps in as Thomas’ resident bully. You’re totally going to get fired, nanny nanny boo boo! Thomas needs an “It Gets Better” campaign so badly.

Upstairs, Cora is drinking tea in bed (so maybe she is anorexic, but probably just lazy). She’s complaining to Baxter about how the Dowager Countess is bringing some friend as backup for their upcoming brawl at dinner. Hey, life could be worse, Cora; Baxter could ask to borrow something.  We know how you feel about that. But anyway, still all this hot and bother over this dumb hospital stuff?? Just merge! Or don’t! Who cares!

Elsewhere, Branson tells Mary he’s a capitalist now and wants his life to be more than just Downton. Um, okay, then why did you move back? Mary is supportive with a single caveat: no more Miss Buntings (the annoying, self-righteous teacher from last season, if you don’t remember). Here, here!!!

Downstairs, the Sergeant spills the latest criminal intrigue: he wants Baxter to testify against a purported “handsome devil” who makes women steal for him and then take the fall, while he walks free. He’s the reason Baxter was in jail that one time. Baxter is super spooked and doesn’t want to get involved. Molesley throws out a platitude: “All that’s needed for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing.” Baxter shoots him a withering You’re so bloody simple! look and storms out.

Upstairs, Cora is annoyed because the Dowager’s plus one wants to bring a plus one. It’s a man so I bet you it’s a new love interest for Mary because this show is not progressive enough to leave her as a badass single woman.

In Mary’s room, she and Anna talk about some new maids who aren’t as cool as past maids. Then, talk turns to how Anna is thickening up with pregnancy. Bates assumes she’s just fat because she likes pie. Then, Bates bursts in and completely ruins the vibe, which is what he does best.

Across town, the Dowager and her friend talk about the hospital and I stare off into space while humming to myself until the scene is over.

Back at Downton, Thomas is in charge and everyone has to do that annoying stand-up-really-suddenly-and-scrape-the-chair-against-the-floor thing in deference. Thomas off-handedly mentions something about properties on the estate and Daisy starts droning on about how excited she is that her father-in-law is getting the Drews’ farm. When someone finally breaks it to her that she’s been hallucinating this whole time, she gets very angry and clutches a water pitcher really hard. And because no scene with Thomas is complete without cute Andy spurning his advances, that happens too.

On a road surrounded by sheep, Edith is driving (yes! driving!) her aunt Rosamund. The car has a huge steering wheel. Rosamund tells Edith about this funky college for clever, but poor girls. She’s a trustee and thinks Edith should be one too because there’s a hot dude who works there and he’s around Edith’s age. First the newspaper helper and now this guy? When it rains, it pours! Get it, Edith!

Back at the house, Molesley stops Cora on the stairs to talk about Baxter. Has he not gotten the memo? Cora is NOT IN THE MOOD to hear servant sob stories this season or let anyone borrow or touch her things, geez!

Downstairs, Daisy tries to murder potatoes with a spoon and then rants about how let down she is that Cora lied to her. Mrs. Patmore brings things back to reality and emphasizes that Daisy fabricated this whole thing and is maybe addicted to psychedelic shrooms or something? Daisy continues to murder the innocent potatoes.

Upstairs, the visitors arrive and are announced. Mary is shocked to find that the Dowager’s plus one’s plus one is that sexy guy she went hunting with during last season’s finale. Didn’t I tell you?? They’re totally going to get married because anything else wouldn’t be predictable enough.

Branson talks to Mary’s future husband about cars and doesn’t realize that this is an A and B conversation and he should C his way out of it.

By the fireplace, the Dowager grills her friend about her nephew’s prospects. 40 men would have to die before he becomes an Earl. Ouch. Too bad the Titanic is already underwater; could’ve treated all 40 of them to a cruise.

Robert calls his mom and her friend out for being snobs. Glass houses, dude, glass houses. Then the Dowager puts her son in his place and wins my heart for the 7000th time.

Robert: No one has sharper eyes than a loving son.

The Dowager: You read that somewhere.

Robert: Why do you never think I can make anything up?

Because you suck at business, aren’t very bright and helped kill Sybil. That’s why!

Downstairs, Anna is having a contraction or something.

In the dining room, the old people fight over the usual, while Mary becomes the first person to ever flirt using the words “guinea pigs.”

After dinner, it’s Mary’s future husband’s turn to flirt. “Telephone me. We’ll have lunch or a drink………or something.” Mmmhmmmmm.

A few yards away, Cora and some others discuss how embarrassing all the fuss over the hospital is. This is true, but what’s even more embarrassing is that the Downton writers are wasting the show’s final episodes on such a dull storyline.

After everyone leaves, Robert clutches his side. This happened in the last episode, but I didn’t mention it because I don’t care about Robert. But yeah, I guess he’s going to die. We all know dogs go to heaven, so Isis is accounted for. Will Robert be reunited with her or travel somewhere a bit warmer?

Outside, Baxter and Thomas are both having existential crises like they’re sophomore English majors high for the first time. Thomas wishes he was popular and straight like Baxter. Baxter wishes she was like Thomas (minus the gay part).

“You don’t care what people say, while I tremble at the mere idea of public ridicule.” Scratch “blogger” from the list of pursuits Baxter might entertain after Robert dies and the family sells Downton. Thomas explains that he actually does care what people say and walks off like this:

Later, the Sergeant is back to convince Baxter to testify. She’s like, Pass! Then he guilt trips her by bringing up other victims who are now prostitutes or dead. Baxter changes her tune to Ugh, fiiiine.

The treasurer of the funky girls school arrives at Downton with his wife (sorry, Edith), who happens to be Gwen, a maid from season 1! She greets her former bestie Anna, but snubs Thomas (bad move).

Now that she has money, she’s trying to downplay her time as a maid by not mentioning it at all. The rich people assemble to grill Gwen about who she is and why she came up with the school idea.

Gwen: You see, I never had any higher education and so…

Mary: Who did? All we were taught was French, prejudice and dance steps.

I never thought I’d say this, but Mary is quickly becoming my favorite (again, sorry, Edith).

Downstairs, Daisy predicts that no one will recognize Gwen because “they don’t look us in the face.” Mrs. Patmore rewards her right answer by calling her Karl Marx and ordering her to get back to work.

Upstairs, Branson bonds with Gwen over marrying up and out of facelessness. Thomas looks on, full of dejected rage (which would totally be the name of his first fragrance, if he was a pop star).

After sitting down to dinner, Gwen preaches about educating women. Everyone laughs about how they wish Carson was present to say sexist things. Thomas sees his chance: “You recall Mr Carson, madam, surely?” Gwen’s cover is blown to bits.

Gwen explains how Sybil helped her get a secretary job. Everyone mournfully thinks about how good the show was before Robert killed Sybil with his bad decision making skills.

After dinner, Gwen goes downstairs to hang with her former coworkers. Daisy jumps out of nowhere in front of Branson and plays her favorite broken record: MY FATHER-IN-LAW! IT’S NOT FAIR! MY DEAD HUSBAND WHO I DIDN’T EVEN LIKE! RICH PEOPLE SUCK! Branson is like Um, woah. I’ll see what I can do. Now please stop talking.

A few paces away, Robert corners Thomas and makes him feel bad about being evil sometimes.

Upstairs, Mary talks to Anna about how remembering Sybil makes her reevaluate being a mean snob all the time. All the talk of Sybil brings back the ghost of pregnancy problems past and Anna has a crazy cramp. They decide to hightail it to the London doctor.

Outside, Bates asks 1001 questions, including “So you’re not hiding anything?” Before he can question her about being in love with someone else, like he did last episode, Mary and Anna get in the car and drive off. Bates watches them go and thinks solemnly, Damn it, I have to kill again.

Back inside, Bates continues being weird:

Andy: What’s Lady Mary’s emergency?

Baxter: It’s none of our business.

Bates: Very true, Miss Baxter. For once I agree with you.

Um, why the ‘tude with teary-eyed puppy Baxter? What has she ever done?

Then Bates continues attacking people by asking Ugh, Daisy, what exactly is your problem?

Daisy explains that she’s “had enough” and will confront Cora for “cheating” her father-in-law out of the farm. She slams spoons next to place settings really hard so everyone knows she means business.

Upstairs, Cora convinces everyone to give the farm to Daisy’s father-in-law because it’s what Sybil would do (also, this is the only way to get Daisy to stop stalking her).

Downstairs, everyone tells Daisy what she’s about to do is social suicide. Daisy doesn’t give a you-know-what, yanks off her apron and storms upstairs to execute Cora or whatever.

Upstairs, Cora runs into Daisy and is like Really, girl? Daisy plays her broken record yet again. I’M UPSET! Yeah, we know.

Robert interrupts and tells Daisy to make sure to tell her father-in-law the good news. Daisy makes this face and then runs downstairs:

Robert comments on how weird Daisy is and then grabs his side again. One step closer to the grave.

In London, the doctor announces that he prevented Anna’s miscarriage. Mary celebrates by making plans to go on a date with her future husband.

Back at Downton, Robert tells Thomas how excited he is that Carson is coming back to fire him. Maybe the pain in Robert’s side is a side effect of whatever poison Thomas is slipping into his tea? When Robert keels over, Thomas will do a tap routine over his corpse, while singing “He Had It Coming.” Now that would be a proper end to this series!

Back in London, Mary tells her future husband that she works, despite her ovaries. He doesn’t set himself on fire and run around the room engulfed in flames so that’s a plus.

At the farm that used to belong to Marigold’s kidnapper, Daisy’s father-in-law tells her how excited he is to know where he will “lay his bones.” Yay?

Back at Downton, Bates grills Anna, who has just returned. She finally tells him, Hey, stop brainstorming ways to kill me. I’m not cheating, just pregnant, silly! Bates is moderately pleased.

The Carsons return and everyone applauds them for being brave enough to have sex with each other.

Upstairs, all the rich people plan to take a field trip to the servants’ hall to welcome the newlyweds.

The Dowager: I haven’t been into the kitchens for at least 20 years!

Isobel: Have you got your passport?

Isn’t it fun when they’re not talking about that boring hospital?

Downstairs, the Dowager is like Ew.

Edith announces that she plans to hire a female co-editor for the magazine. Mary says something along the lines of Right on, sister!

Rosamund: That was nice of you, to praise Edith’s plan.

Mary: A monkey will type out the Bible if you leave it long enough.

Okay, it’s official now. Mary is my favorite.

Everyone complains about how annoying it is that they have to call Mrs. Hughes Mrs. Carson now.

Major foreshadowing moment:

Rosamund: Mama’s slipped away. She was tired, so I told her to go.

Robert: Quite right.

Rosamund: I’m afraid she won’t give up about the hospital.

Robert: I shan’t think that at her funeral.

Rosamund: Who says she won’t be at yours?

#sidepain!!!

Mr. Carson announces that no one has to calls Mrs. Hughes Mrs. Carson. Everyone reacts like they just got out of jury duty for the rest of their lives. Nothing makes sense.

Everyone is standing around having a very bridled version of fun. Except for Thomas, of course, who looks like this all by himself in a corner:

Carson heads to his old room to say goodbye to his single bed. We know how much Carson hates change (almost as much as he hates women’s civil rights).

And scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Bates: What are you good for? Absolutely nothing (but you’re pretty good at bullying your wife).

HONORABLE MENTION: Gwen: Good for you, I guess.

BRONZE: Thomas: Kudos to him for his remarkable restraint that holds him back from killing those who are rude and merciless to him (everyone, but Mary).

SILVER: Sybil: Sure, she’s dead, but her memory was strong enough to get Daisy’s annoying father-in-law a farm, convince Mary to be nicer and set Gwen up with a pretty cush life. Way to go, Sybil’s ghost!

GOLD: Mary: She saved Anna’s baby, became the first person in history to turn the term “guinea pigs” into something sexy, lined up a pretty cute new husband, and was nice to Edith for no reason. And that Bible-typing monkey comment? Come on. The clear winner this week.

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 3 Recap: Chapel of Love

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

It’s been a week since Sybil’s ghost returned to Downton to make everything right. Will she still be floating around this week and come up behind Branson while he’s molding clay at a pottery wheel? Will she hide all of Cora’s coats to incite a class war? Only one way to find out! On with the show!

It’s moving day for Daisy’s father-in-law. See what having insane daily outbursts and stalking people will get you? Lots of square footage, but imagine all the really bad juju left over from Marigold’s kidnapper. Here’s hoping Daisy had the good sense to steal some sage from Mrs. Patmore’s kitchen.

On a hill overlooking the Abbey, Branson asks Mary if she’s pissed that he orchestrated handing over the Drews’ farm to Daisy’s mooch father-in-law behind her back. Mary says it ain’t no thang ’cause now that there’s a new hunk on the horizon and baby George is out of diapers (not that she ever changed any of them herself), her rage issues have subsided. Or maybe the London miscarriage-preventing doctor wrote her a prescription for chill pills? Either way, drop a pair of shades on Mary’s face ’cause she’s as cool as a cucumber these days.

In the downstairs kitchen, Mrs. Patmore asks about the move and Daisy reveals that her father-in-law moved all his crap into the front courtyard and the Drews haven’t even moved out yet! Way to rub it in! Zero couth!

Despite getting her way, Daisy is still super bitter about her father-in-law’s former landlord. Girl, get a life! Or take that exam or whatever.

Mrs. Patmore and Daisy decide to go on an outing to visit the farm (probably to point and laugh as Marigold’s kidnapper, her husband and all their newly homeless kids move out). Andy pops out of nowhere to invite himself along. For once, Thomas isn’t there to be brutally rebuffed.

Upstairs, Edith gets a letter from her newspaper deadline crush that makes her giggle as loud as she has to in order to get her dad’s attention. Before Robert can get into the birds and the bees talk with her, the Dowager waltzes in with a new scheme to stop the hospital merger. She plans to use a Crimea war connection (sometimes I forget she’s 2 billion years old) to get the Minister of Health to pay a visit and listen to all her reasons why the family should retain control. 1. Because. 2. Um…yeah, that’s about it.

Robert doesn’t think she can pull it off, to which the Dowager uses my new favorite insult: “Don’t be jejune!”

Back in the kitchen, Mrs. Hughes wants to have dinner with Mr. Carson in their new cottage instead of with everyone else. Guess she’s taken a liking to being naked around the hubster. Mrs. Patmore gives her a hard time and Daisy says she’s just jealous. Mrs. Patmore is like Uh, duh! I’m a 50-year-old virgin!

In the dining room, Robert tells the fam that Mary’s new husband who I should probably call by his real name at some point wants her to join him as he looks at a car. Branson invites himself because he’s funemployed and then asks if Edith wants to come too. She declines because she’s come to enjoy being the outsider martyr. Then…

Act MMXVII of Mary and Edith Almost Tear Each Other’s Hair Out But Don’t Because They’re British:

Robert: Edith has a date.
Edith: No, I don’t.
Mary: Of course not.
Edith: What do you mean, “Of course not”?
Mary:Edith:

So much for that giggle-inducing letter.

Downstairs, sad puppy-eyed Baxter does not giggle while reading a letter from the Sergeant about her testimony. Bates comes in to mansplain that she should think about what she wants to say before getting on the stand. Thanks for the valuable intel, Sherlock.

Thomas comes in to hit on Andy for the zillionth time. Andy literally says “Thanks, but no thanks” and walks off. I CAN’T HANDLE ANY MORE OF THESE SCENES, JULIAN FELLOWES. JUST HAVE ANDY STICK A BUTCHER KNIFE IN THOMAS’ HEART AND BE DONE WITH IT.

*collects self*

Okay, where were we? Ah, yes. The old people are upstairs scheming about how they can get the most out of the Health Minister’s visit. Cousin Isobel’s self-righteousness has officially become a supporting character.

Downstairs in the shoe polish room where everything always happens, Bates and Anna grill Andy about why he’s so rude to Thomas. Andy says he’s gotten to know something about Thomas, something he doesn’t want to say “with a lady present.” Bates and Anna are like LOLOL We’ve known he was gay since before you were born, bucko! Andy goes on to say No homo a thousand times in a row and Bates and Anna give each other a knowing look that says Does the closeted gay protest too much?

In the Carson/Hughes sex cottage, Mrs. Hughes serves Carson dinner like a good early 20th century housewife. He complains about the meat not being cooked to his liking, the plate being cold and the knife not being sharp enough like a typical early 20th century husband. Mrs. Hughes hates her life and regrets everything.

The next day, everyone makes Edith feel bad about her date.

Downstairs, Mrs. Hughes tells Patmore and Daisy all about how Carson is an entitled, sexist picky-eater who probably is one of those people who claim cilantro tastes like soap.

The Sergeant comes in because it’s been more than an hour since he’s bugged everyone. Baxter leaves with him as if she’s walking to her own death. Molesley fumbles along because the Downton writers are trying to turn them into Bates and Anna version 2.0. Return to sender. The original version is more than enough.

Somewhere on the grounds, Branson and Mary talk about her new boy toy. “I don’t mean to sound snobbish, but I won’t marry down.” A totally reasonable thing to say to the former pauper who married into your sister’s wealth. Someone forgot to take their chill pill this morning.

In the village, Denker takes a break from blackmailing Spratt to intimidate Dr. Clarkson for switching hospital merger teams. Is it just me or does Denker’s wig deserve its own SAG Award?

In a courtroom somewhere, Baxter tells Molesley she doesn’t have to testify after all because criminal dude changed his plea. So the whole point of this anti-climactic storyline was for us to witness Molesley follow Baxter around and help her put on her coat so that when they get together in the end we won’t be like That was undeserved! 

At the farm, Daisy and co. are all unpacking her father-in-law’s things and no one thinks about the fact that the only reason this place is vacant is because of a child abduction.

Mary and Branson stop by to tell Daisy’s father-in-law that he’s old and how they’re concerned he won’t be able to take care of the pigs. Andy randomly lies about how he and Mr. Mason have made an arrangement for Andy’s young limbs to counterbalance Mr. Mason’s feeble ones. Everyone’s like Ok cool.

In London, Edith is on her date. They talk about how his boss is not married and likes to spend all his time in Tangier painting portraits of young men. Ummm, I think we found a boyfriend for Thomas! You had your chance, Andy!

Edith makes a sexy (for Edith) proposition: “Come to my flat for a drink, I’ll show it to you.” Her date replies: “What a racy plan.” He seems like he would be a really good texter and emoji user. I hope he doesn’t have any plans to hang out in Germany anytime soon. #RIPMarigoldsDad

In the middle of nowhere, Branson and Mary watch her new dude race cars. Branson gives her a hard time for not enjoying the speed and spectacle. Uh, did he forget that this is triggering because her last husband died while driving too fast?

In London, Edith interviews a woman who was born in 1892 like herself. They commiserate over being Victorian babies who grew up into modern women. New bestie alert (since it doesn’t seem like Virginia Woolf is going to let Edith join the Bloomsbury clique)!

Back at the farm, Mr. Mason wants Daisy to come live with him. Seems kind of creepy, but she’ll probably do it. Mr. Mason looks at Daisy and then Andy in a way that makes me worry the Downton writers are going to put these two together. I should start doing eye exercises now, just in case, so that I can eye roll as hard as I want when the time comes.

Back at Downton, Cora and Robert are baby sitting. Baby Sybbie says something problematic about “red Indians.” Kids say the darnedest things, don’t they? Robert’s side pain is back and he has to sit down. Will the Grim Reaper’s scythe be more sharpened than Carson’s dinner knife?

At the Dowager’s house, she receives a tattle-tale letter from Dr. Clarkson about Denker, who is fired on the spot. Spratt’s lucky day. Her going away party is going to be so boozy.

In a pub (!), Mary throws a few back. Her new boy brings up Evelyn Napier (former suitor — until Mary told him he was boring — and bestie of the Turk who died in Mary’s bed). They make plans to have dinner with him soon, which won’t be awkward at all.

In the servants’ hall, Andy and Thomas have the most boring conversation about pigs and books about pigs. Oscar Wilde would be so disappointed. All the words in the world and they use these.

In Edith’s single lady flat, she and her date drink fancy cocktails. Her forehead is wearing jewelry. She explains that she’s over Downton and dawdling in Mary’s wake and wants to be a hipster in London forevermore.

Her date is a good listener. He also knows how to pick the right cafes for dinner so Edith green-lights a make out session before they head out. Unlike Mary, Edith tells her date that she doesn’t care about his whole I-don’t-have-money-and-work-for-a-living thing. Mazel tov, you crazy 1892 babies.

In the Downton kitchen, Daisy is apparently jealous that Mr. Mason is making new friends because she hasn’t been crazy enough this season.

Carson walks in on Daisy, Patmore and Mrs. Hughes chatting and asks Patmore: “I wonder if you might go through the cooking of [dinner] with Mrs Hughes. It’s been a while since she’s played with her patty pans, and she’s got some catching-up to do.”

Mrs. Hughes, this is why annulments are a thing. Time to drop this sexist dud and go back to your blissful celibacy immediately!

Back at the Dowager’s, Denker is complaining about being fired. Spratt wins me over for the first time with this response: “How did it happen? Were you drunk?” Boom! But he’s not done!

Denker: Am I to blame if I have a very passionate nature?
Spratt: Any more of that talk and I won’t be able to sleep.

Go in, Spratt, go in!

In Cora and Robert’s room, they both take turns complaining about how annoying this Health Minister dinner is going to be. Then Robert complains about his side pain again, but refuses to skip the meal. Is he going to croak at the dinner table? Is that the only thing that will shut up this dumb hospital debate once and for all? If so, so be it.

Downstairs, Thomas hears a crash and investigates. Andy threw a book because he’s dyslexic. So his big secret isn’t that he’s gay, but that he can’t read??? Seriously?!?

Thomas promises to help him learn how to read and Andy apologizes for being super homophobic these past few months. Then, Thomas wins an award for Most Melancholic Smile Ever to Grace Lips. And I win an award for Best Continuation of a Recap Despite Wanting to Never Watch Downton Again.

Back at the Dowager’s, Denker has decided to (shocker!) blackmail Spratt into convincing the Dowager to unfire her.

Elsewhere, Bates and Anna gossip about Mary’s love life. Then, Bates says he wishes everyone was as happy as he is. So he means he wishes everyone would skulk in the shadows, grumble sinister things and continuously get away with murder?

Spratt got Denker her job back so we can put this whole blackmailing/bullying thing to bed, right? Not so much:

Spratt: Oh, and Miss Denker, I don’t want to hear another mention of my unfortunate nephew.
Denker: Oh, well, that rather depends.
Spratt: On what?
Denker: On whether or not I need to mention him again.

This show is exhausting.

In the rich people hangout room, the Dowager arrives just in time to witness Robert have more side pain. The contractions are getting closer and closer together! Sybil’s ghost’s revenge for messing up her delivery and killing her in the process?

The Dowager has Carson change the seat assignments for dinner. Robert warns that she’s switched to “a very junior seat.” The Dowager’s reply is in French — “Il faut reculer pour mieux sauter” — but fear not; I have a French minor (*cough*and access to Google Translate*cough*) and can tell you that it means: “You must step back to jump further.” Let the games begin!

The Health Minister arrives and everyone is trying to grab him. He totally dyes his mustache.

Downstairs, Daisy criticizes the Minister’s lack of support for unions and Carson congratulates him for it. Can someone explain to me why the Downton fandom likes Carson so much? His opinions are terrible and he’s not funny or charming or fun.

Upstairs, all the old people fight over the hospital and the Health Minister is turned way off. Robert puts an end to the fighting by grabbing his side, standing up AND SPEWING BLOOD ALL OVER THE TABLE AND EVERYONE AND COLLAPSING AND VOMITING ON THE CARPET.

Okay, I thought he was going to die, but damn! Color me shocked. Also color me red ’cause I think some of his spewed blood went through the screen into my gaping face.

Once I write Downton off as a predictable bore, something like this happens! It reminds me of when Mad Men featured a lawn mower amputation:

Compare and contrast:

So I feel kind of bad because I think all the mean things I’ve written about Robert (albeit valid complaints) may have contributed to him getting an ulcer and that ulcer blowing up all over Cora. Did I do thaaat? (in Urkel voice).

Anyway, Robert is not doing well. He keeps puking up blood. He chokes out a proclamation of love for Cora while everyone screams.

Downstairs, the servants are freaking out too. Carson tells the maids to get coats for Cora and Mary. “Don’t forget Lady Edith.” Even in times of crisis, the writers can’t help but crap all over poor Jan Brady.

Upstairs, the Health Minister tells Cora: Ummm, I think I’m gonna go… Then Cora and the Dowager argue over the hospital some more because this seems like a good time for that.

The Dowager brings up the secret of Marigold and Mary overhears and realizes Wait a second…Edith’s 9 month vacation and the random mute baby that hangs out with my son all day just might have something to do with each other! By George, I think she’s got it! (Took her long enough).

The medics arrive and cart dazed, confused and blood-soaked Robert off. Everyone follows…except for Branson who is straight up chilling and doesn’t seem to be bothered one bit as he leisurely gossips with the Health Minister. Looks like I’m not the only one who holds a grudge against Robert for killing Sybil.

Some time later, the servants are all hanging out downstairs waiting for news. Andy is not reading.

Carson gets a phone call and delivers the news: Robert had surgery and is going to be fine. Yay, I guess.

Upstairs, Mary and Edith get back from the hospital. They’re finally alone and no one is around to stop them from finally having a duel once and for all, but enough blood has been shed this evening. Plus, Mary’s too weirded out by Edith being someone’s mom.

After Edith goes to bed, Branson rolls up wearing a casual robe because he’s been kicking back with zero worries since Robert spewed his insides all over the mansion. Mary tells him that they should take over all control from her dad so he doesn’t worry and get another ulcer. Branson rightfully proclaims this The Age of Queen Mary.

And scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Carson: Make your own F-ing dinner.

HONORABLE MENTION: Mary: She was very chill about hanging out at a dirty pub. Also, she wore a tie for much of this episode.

BRONZE: Thomas: So sorry Andy’s dyslexic instead of gay. Classy move teaching him how to read anyway.

SILVER: Cora: She handled having blood puked into her face pretty well.

GOLD: Robert’s Exploding Ulcer: It did the impossible: revived this lackluster final season and almost killed one of my least faves. Good work, blood-filled combustible!

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 4 Recap: I Will Remember You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 3 Recap: Chapel of Love

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

It’s been a week since Robert puked blood all over everyone and everything. Will they ever get the stains out of the carpet? Will the hospital storyline finally die, like Robert should have? Will I be nicer to him now that he’s been through such a traumatic experience? Nope to the latter and only one way to find out about the other two! On with the show!

Robert is back from his death bed and grumpy as ever. He doesn’t want people coming in and gawking at all of his toys during a charity open house at Downton. Cora tells him to get over it, which is ironic because she, of all people, should be able to sympathize with not wanting people to ever touch your stuff. #WeddingCoat-gate #NeverForget

It’s very obvious that, when Robert puked blood in her face, there was a small secret part of her that exclaimed: Ah, at last he croaks and I am free to go get my groove back in Jamaica! Sorry, Cora, no hot boy toy for you, I’m afraid.

Downstairs, Carson echoes Robert’s out-of-touch, irritable white dude complaints about the open house. Daisy says something Marxist that for once has nothing to do with her father-in-law (hallelujah). And Molesley is paranoid that the commoners who get to see the Abbey’s opulence will start to question why the Crawleys have everything while others have nothing. Thomas thinks that’s a good question. Carson, who becomes more hatable by the word, bullies him for speaking: “How is your job search going, Mr Barrow?” Does Downton have an HR department? This is a hostile work environment!

Across town, the Dowager seems playful and/or drunk. She casually eats snacks, while making fun of poor people and teasing Isobel over her former boyfriend Lord Merton. It’s like the good ol’ days before the stupid hospital drama. Keep pouring that whiskey into her tea, Denker!

Back at the Abbey, Edith (a.k.a. Jan Brady) tells the family about her new boo, George Glass. Mary (a.k.a. Marcia Brady) challenges her because the Aw-my-sister-had-to-give-birth-in-secret-to-a-dead-man’s-baby empathy from last episode has worn off.

Mary: Is he worth it?

Edith: As opposed to your car mechanic?

Edith finally landed a comeback! A well-earned hair flip is in order.

Over at Daisy’s father-in-law’s place (a.k.a. Chez Marigold’s Kidnapper), Daisy puts up a portrait of her husband-for-four-seconds and pretends she didn’t treat him like dirt when he was alive. Her father-in-law gives her a letter to give to Mrs. Patmore and Daisy irrationally fills with jealous rage.

Back at Downton, Carson peer pressures Robert to drink wine out of a flask. The absurdity of that sentence proves that Downton should have probably ended a year or two ago. Carson and Robert talk about how much they hate Thomas and wish he would die or get another job or something. Then they take turns complaining about the open house. Every scene with these two is like a prequel to Grumpy Old Men or an unfunny Statler and Waldorf bit.

In the kitchen, Mrs. Patmore finds her letter from Daisy’s father-in-law in the trash. Daisy is totally going to flunk her exam, if this bit of sabotage is any indication of her intelligence.

Upstairs, Baxter tells Cora that the man she was supposed to testify against got 10 years in prison. Cora is like Cool, now I can go back to not caring about your personal life.

The next morning, Carson and Mrs. Hughes are on a miserable walk. On top of ridiculing her cooking last week, Carson now also has a problem with how Mrs. Hughes makes coffee, polishes the silver and makes the bed. Puke blood in his face, Mrs. Hughes!

In Mary’s bedroom, Anna tells Mary she needs to see a doctor again. Mary is like Yay, I get to party with a hot boy in London! Uh, I mean, sorry about your problematic pregnancy. I hope you’re okay.

Across town, there’s more news on the boring hospital merger front. York will take over the hospital and they’re pushing the Dowager out and replacing her with Cora. I think I speak for all of us when I say:

Back at the Abbey, Mary tells Branson about her plans to hang out at a spot called the Criterion with Evelyn Napier (the guy she friend-zoned / best friend of the dead Turk). Edith swoops in with a Debbie Downer remembrance of her dead boyfriend:

Edith: I used to go to the Criterion with Michael.

Mary: Do you have to put a damper on every restaurant in the capital?

Point for Mary, which ties the score (remember the car mechanic dig from earlier?). But wait, there’s more!

Mary: Edith, you can manage for a day without us, can’t you?

Edith: I can manage without you for as long as you want.

Edith is getting the hang of this! 2-1.

Branson: Why don’t you come with us?

Edith: And watch Mary flirt with her oily driver? No thank you.

Gross classism aside, Edith is killing it. She’s finally had it.

Upstairs, Thomas is giving George another random piggy back ride. When Mary shows up, George explains that he was cheering Thomas up.

Mary: Do you need cheering up, Barrow?

Thomas: We all need it sometimes, m’lady.

Robert is bored out of his mind in bed, wishing the same thing Cora and I do: that he was dead. Mary stops by to ask if he knows why Thomas is sad. Robert is like Carson and I hate gays and want him to leave. Mary is like Oh, okay. Glad she got that cleared up.

Outside, Bates makes a huge deal about Anna going away for the evening. Even when he says sweet things, they come across as scary and controlling: “I miss you when you’re out of sight.”

Downstairs, Carson gleefully tells Thomas how useless he is and basically fires him. He stops short of clapping while shouting Yipee! I advise Thomas to do the same thing I advised Mrs. Hughes to do earlier: Puke blood in his face!!!

Mrs. Hughes comes by and Carson reminds her again that she sucks at everything and could really use some training in cooking from Mrs. Patmore. Ughhh! I hope Carson nods off after drinking his flask wine and a boa constrictor slithers into his room and devours him super slowly.

At the schoolhouse, a teacher gives Molesley props for caring about Daisy’s education and wonders if he might want to work at the school in some capacity. Molesley reacts like Piglet:

Back at the house, Carson continues being the worst:

Carson [to Mrs. Hughes]: “I’m expecting a delicious dinner prepared by the fair hands of my beautiful wife.”

Seriously, Mrs. Hughes, annulment, look it up in one of Daisy’s books.

In the hallway, Thomas and Andy try to decide whose room they’ll meet up in later. Unfortunately, they’re not talking about hooking up. It’s just to teach dyslexic Andy how to read books about pigs. Sigh. Mrs. Patmore overhears and assumes they’re going to make sweet love to each other. In an alternate universe where the Downton writers know what they’re doing, that is what’s really going on.

In London, Mary gives Anna a hard time for being late to dress her. Anna explains that she had to take a freakin’ bus and also had to, you know, figure out if her baby is going to live or not (thanks for asking, Mary!).

Back at the Abbey, Cora is all excited about her new position at the hospital. Robert condescendingly explains that she shouldn’t worry her little head with work and should just stay home and serve no purpose like him. When the boa finishes with Carson, he should slither upstairs and take care of Robert too.

In London, Mary meets up with a bunch of her boo’s friends. She doesn’t exactly make the best first impression. “A table of singletons at our age, well done.” One of the girls at the table explains that they’re war widows. Mary is like I’m not. My husband just sucked at driving.

Over at the Carson cottage, it’s dinner time a.k.a. let-me-ridicule-my-new-wife-incessantly-until-she-stabs-me-dead o’clock. Carson wishes Mrs. Hughes hadn’t forgotten the lemon for his salmon. He also wishes she would’ve whipped up some horseradish, thinned with a little sour cream. And the skin on the duck better be crispy! Oh, and Mrs. Hughes isn’t allowed to drink anymore out of respect for Robert’s combustible ulcer. Yikes. If I were Hughes, I would knock the dinner onto the floor, call up alcoholic Denker and spend all night doing this:

Back in London, Mary goes on a walk with her new man and they go from 0 to make out in the rain and say I love you for the first time. They even negotiate how often Mary will visit the racetrack to watch him drive around when they’re married. I get that we’re in the final few episodes and need to move things along, but come on now, these two have hung out like four times in their lives. I have a more robust relationship with the guy who owns the corner store near my house.

When Mary gets home, she drinks whiskey (my kind of girl!) and kicks it with Branson who never seems to do much of anything these days. From revolutionary chauffeur to neutered layabout. Sybil’s death really messed everything up. Anyway, Mary slings some mud in Edith’s direction, who’s not even around, by calling her new boyfriend “boring to an Olympic degree,” because she’s drunk and crapping all over Edith is fun.

In a distant part of Yorkshire, Olympic bore himself walks along the road with a bunch of luggage because Edith sucks at life and couldn’t get her car to start. They both seem like bad kissers.

At Isobel’s place, Lord Merton shows up with his nasty son’s new fiance. She’s explains that she’s an Isobel groupie and apologizes for being engaged to a monster. Operation Win Her Back Before the Christmas Special is in full effect.

In the Downton kitchen, the servants talk about Daisy’s imminent test. Daisy is excited in a cute baby Gizmo type of way.

But then Mrs. Patmore mentions Daisy’s father-in-law and Daisy transforms into a crazy jealous Gremlin freak.

Mrs. Patmore vows to contact him anyway because she doesn’t want to be a virgin on her death bed.

Upstairs, Edith decides a third date is as good a time as any to introduce her new boyfriend to her sleeping super secret daughter.

Downstairs, Daisy’s father-in-law shows up to give Mrs. Patmore some I-secretly-love-you vegetables. Daisy is not pleased:

Upstairs, Olympic bore coaches the family on how to host a proper open house. Damn, Mary was right; I am bored.

Downstairs, Mr. Carson similarly bores everyone with open house talk. He also manages to insult Daisy’s appearance by reminding her to “look presentable.” Ugh, where is that boa?!

Back upstairs, Mary tells Branson she’s going to get over the fact that her husband died in a car crash and start liking cars again so that her new boo will keep liking her. Good for her, I guess?

Elsewhere, Robert tells Cora that Edith’s new dude doesn’t have any prospects. Cora replies, “What are Edith’s prospects?” Ouch, mama! But I guess she’s right; beggars who are willing to date their burn victim cousin can’t be choosers.

In a hallway downstairs, Carson catches Andy coming out of Thomas’ bedroom. The music turns sinister and gay panic ensues, just in case you forgot that, on top of all his other awful qualities, Carson is also relentlessly homophobic.

The next day, the riff raff arrive to gawk at the Abbey. They have a lot of questions about architects and painters and Cora, Edith and Mary don’t know anything about anything. The poor people are like Ew, read a book.

The Dowager swoops in and has the best crowd control skills: making a disgusted face until people move out of the way. She finds Cora and makes a scene over being pushed out of the hospital. She doesn’t want to see Cora’s face again until she becomes “used to having a traitor in the family.” Despite this storyline being so very tired, this freakout works because of Maggie Smith. She is really too good for this show.

A random village boy shows up in Robert’s room and they have a conversation about how annoying moms can be and why people live in big houses. The boy seems smarter than Robert, which isn’t that hard of a feat actually.

Downstairs, Mrs. Patmore takes Carson aside to air out her concerns that Andy is being converted into a gay by Thomas. I’m running out of people I can stand.

Outside, Lord Merton is still trotting out his future daughter-in-law in a bid to make everyone forget that his sons wanted Isobel dead. It will probably work.

Downstairs, Carson corners Thomas and tries to get him to confess to seducing Andy. Thomas denies it and asks if, after all these years, his word is still not good enough. Carson says nope. And then Denker and Mrs. Hughes, drunk out of their gourds, jump out of nowhere and set Carson on fire. What? A boy can dream.

Upstairs, the rich folk talk about how their way of life has become like “a fat lady in the circus.” Mary vows to stay in the house forever and ever. Yeah, good luck with that, poor oily driver lover.

In the dark, all alone, Thomas sits in a rocking chair and weeps.

And scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Carson: I hope one of his organs blows up.

HONORABLE MENTION: Edith: She landed some good punches, got to kiss a boy, and no one kidnapped her baby. A good week, all in all!

BRONZE: Mrs. Hughes: The fact that she hasn’t poisoned Carson yet is truly astounding.

SILVER: Mary: She drank some whiskey, made out in the rain and wore a cool headband. Is there more to life than that?

GOLD: Thomas: Someday, someone will give him a piggy back ride. Actually, probably not.

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 5 Recap: Sunday Bloody Sunday

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 4 Recap: I Will Remember You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 3 Recap: Chapel of Love

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

It’s been a week since Carson bullied Mrs. Hughes so hard that she’s probably considering poisoning his food and bullied Thomas so hard that he sobbed in a rocking chair in the dark all by himself. Will they join forces and take him out at long last? Will a boa constrictor do their dirty work for them, like I hoped for last week? Or will one of Carson’s organs self-implode since all the cool old white dudes’ innards are doing that these days? Only one way to find out! On with the show!

Mary’s one-dimensional future husband is racing cars again. He loses. Edith’s curse is working.

In the Downton dining room, Robert is out of bed and sitting in a chair (hurrah for those of you who don’t hate him for killing Sybil!). He’s received an invite from Mary’s future hubby to watch him race because that’s all he does, other than not make any money.

In the kitchen, Daisy is no longer Gremlin-level jealous of Mrs. Patmore. Instead, she’s excited about Patmore’s new bed and breakfast, which will keep her too busy to ever get close to having sex with Daisy’s father-in-law, hence the pleasant, non-Gremlin attitude.

Mrs. Hughes comes in to complain about having to make dinner for Carson again. Just slip in some arsenic and be done with it!

Over at the Dowager’s bachelorette pad, she and Isobel are having some serious girl talk about whether Isobel should attend Lord Merton’s evil son’s wedding. Then they speak of the hospital drama in the past tense! It’s finally over!!!! Excuse me while I process this:

Phew! Man, I feel great! So does the Dowager cause she’s decided If you can’t beat ’em, go on a long vacation so you don’t have to see their stupid faces every day. Hear, hear!

In the Downton servants’ hall, everyone does that annoying stand-up-really-suddenly-and-scrape-the-chair-really-harshly-to-show-subservience-to-reigning-jerkface-Carson thing. That can’t be good for the floors or the chairs. And don’t get me started on the noise pollution! (I’m old and hate loud noises, especially when they’re in honor of sexist, homophobic picky eaters).

Andy briefly flirts with Daisy. There is 0.00% chance the Downton writers can make me care about this pairing. Also, hey, Daisy loves books. Why doesn’t she teach him how to stop being dyslexic? That’ll free Thomas up to focus on someone who isn’t disgusted by his very being. Just a thought!

In the hallway, Carson fires Thomas without actually firing him again. The sky is blue. And that murderous boa constrictor I keep willing into existence really needs to slither faster and take care of this Carson problem once and for all. I hope Boa complains about how Carson would’ve tasted better if his skin was crispier and he had been served with lemon and some horseradish on a plate that was just the right temperature, not too hot, not too cold.

Upstairs, Robert is like Wahhhh, let me go to the race, Cora, pleasepleaseplease! Cora is like Did you guys hear something?

Outside, Thomas is smoking a sad cigarette. Mrs. Hughes comes outside and says Sorry my husband’s homophobia is driving you to suicide. Maybe people won’t hate you so much at your next job? So motivational! She should speak at commencement ceremonies!

Across town, the Dowager wages war on Lord Merton’s soon-to-be daughter-in-law. In about two minutes, she eviscerates her with a multi-pronged attack: first she calls out her fake nice BS: “Nobody’s always friendly.” Then she declares that her fiance should have been “called out and shot” for the way he spoke to Isobel last season. Then she calls her out for only wanting Isobel around to care for Lord Merton in his old age so she won’t have to. Then she pinpoints exactly what this young woman is after: the estate. “I expect they’ll have to drag you out as you break your fingernails catching at the door case.” Then she serves up a cute cherry-on-top diss: “You’re a cruel, little Miss, aren’t you?” Brava!!! This is how it’s done, people.

Back in the servants’ hall, everyone is making plans for when the family is away next week, except for Thomas of course.

Thomas: Everyone has something to do on their free days, except me.

Carson: We know what you’ve got to do, Mr Barrow.

Okay, that’s it. This boa is a no-show so I’m going to have to take care of this myself.

Upstairs, Cora complains about having to go on this car racing road trip. She doesn’t understand why Mary is getting her future husband’s hopes up; he’s just a driver, after all. Robert responds, It’s the sex appeal, duh! Huh. For once, Robert is right.

In Mary’s room, she’s still trying to look past her crush’s whole car obsession thing. Anna combs her hair and says Dealbreaker!

Downstairs, Baxter and Molesley do what they’re best at: having a needy, please reassure me-athon:

Person A: I’m so dumb.

Person B: No, you’re not! I’m the dumb one!

Person A: No way! You’re so smart. I’m ugly though.

Person B: No, you’re not! I am!

Andy visits Daisy’s father-in-law and is still dyslexic.

At the Dowager’s pad, she’s like Peace out, sucka! in Isobel’s face. France, here she comes!

Across town, Mrs. Patmore shows Mrs. Hughes her new Airbnb or whatever. Then she teases a scheme she has up her sleeve in regards to Carson’s dinner. LET IT BE POISON!

In London, Edith drops in on her OMG-we-were-born-in-the-same-year! new female editor. Said editor wants to hire some advice columnist ’cause she’s “funny.” Her evidence: a sample column that reads: “Your husband is losing interest? Well, here’s step one. Take a look in the mirror.”

Edith doesn’t mind putting that hilarious bit of woman-blaming into a women’s magazine and invites Ms. Editor to come to the races and meet the fam.

Later on at Rosamund’s house, the Crawley clan reminisce about how awesome it’s been to be rich for so long. Good times. Then Mary’s soon-to-be husband shows up.

Mary: It’s a bit obvious. Dropping in uninvited after dinner.

I Forget His Name: I hope it is obvious. Obvious that I want to be a part of this family.

Mary: Don’t I have a say in the matter?

Give the coy act a rest, Mary. We all know you’ll soon arrive at Eh, I guess we might as well marry each other.

The next day at the races, everyone oohs and aahs over Edith’s editor being a woman. And Mary gets a bit TMI about her bowels: “My digestive system has packed up completely!”

Back in Yorkshire, a bunch of the servants are kicking it after Molesley and Daisy’s exams. Mrs. Patmore forgot the lemonade (day ruined!), but then Thomas shows up with it (day saved!).

In a shameless move to rev up the dyslexia storyline, the Downton writers create a scenario where Andy is peer pressured to read one of the exam questions aloud (’cause that’s a totally plausible situation that happens all the time). Needless to say, it doesn’t go well. Thomas reads the exam question for him because he’s a gay saint. Andy comes out as a non-reader and tells everyone that Thomas has been giving him reading lessons. Now can everyone start being nice to Thomas?! Thank you.

The schoolteacher offers to help Andy learn how to read. Thomas is stoked.

Thomas: “We can go on with…”

Random teacher: “Mr Barrow, it might be better if you step back now.”

It never ends…

Back at Downton, Carson and Mrs. Hughes are home alone. When the cats are away, the mice will…sit on one of the couches for the first time ever, which is really super sad if you think about it. Thomas interrupts and wants in on the fun:

Thomas: Can anyone join in?

Carson: No, Mr Barrow, they cannot.

WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?! The next time I see Carson in the hallway:

Back at the race, cars zoom all around and everyone pretends to care. Mary sums up the way I feel about the majority of this season’s storylines: “It feels as if we’re trapped in some witch’s curse for all eternity.”

And then there’s a big car crash! Everyone rushes over to see who’s dead. Mary is running on pure adrenaline and PTSD. At the scene, Mary’s future husband is battling flames to get his friend out from under the burning car. No dice. He is dragged away, screaming.

Mary and Edith arrive and keep asking who’s dead. Edith’s new boyfriend reaaaaally draaaaags iiiit ouuuut before saying Oh, it’s only Mary’s future husband…….’s bestie! Mary and Edith are like Phew! Yay! Anyway!

Later, Mary’s beau is distraught and covered in ash. He tells Mary he feels bad because he talked smack about his dead bestie’s driving skills and that’s probably why he crashed. Mary is like Nah, he’s just bad at driving like my dead husband.

Then Mary tells him Rosamund isn’t cancelling dinner because no one really knows or cares about dead bestie. Mary leaves without touching her future husband cause he’s really dirty and she’s wearing a pristine eggshell number.

Back at Downton, the teacher has come to tell Molesley that he’s surprisingly smart, despite the fact that he can’t ever do anything right, and offers him a teaching position. Molesley a.k.a. Piglet has difficulty processing all his emotions:

Everyone moves to another room to celebrate Molesley’s ascendance out of service. Thomas sits alone, watching the merriment from another room. *lip tremble*

In the Carson cottage, Mrs. Hughes fakes an injury so she can get out of making dinner for her ungrateful, hateful husband. You see, a normal, empathetic person would be concerned about said injury and ask if they can do anything to help. Carson is not a normal, empathetic person: “But how are you going to cook?”

Mrs. Hughes is like I’m not, jerkface. You are! And then starts ordering him around the kitchen. Yay, passive aggressive lessons in humility!

Back in London, the family is having a gloomy, awkward dinner. Robert breaks the silence with this: “It was a bloody awful business. A bloody, bloody awful business.” Everyone thinks of that bloody, bloody Sunday when he puked blood on everyone and everything. Aunt Rosamund tries to lighten the mood by calling out his overuse of the word, to which Robert gets crazy aggro and tells her to shut up. The men in this show, I swear…

Later, Mary’s future husband calls. He wants to take the “future” out of his title and just be her husband for real. She is not having it and breaks up with him over the phone (so modern!), while Branson creepily eavesdrops.

After she hangs up, Branson takes Mary by the shoulders and stops just short of shaking her while screaming But he’s really cute and likes cars like me and I really need another dude in the family that isn’t Edith’s boring to an Olympic degree boyfriend so just marry him, damn it, marry him for me!!!!

At the Carson cottage, Carson sucks at cooking and Mrs. Hughes is nice about it because she’s not a sociopath.

In the Downton kitchen, Mrs. Patmore gives Daisy a lesson: Stop being a jealous little Gremlin over your father-in-law because love isn’t finite and just ’cause he’s probably going to take my virginity doesn’t mean he loves you any less. We cool?

Back at the cottage, Carson falls asleep at the table because being a woman is hard. But he better wake up ’cause there are dishes that need to be washed. Muahaha.

In London, Olympic Bore proposes to Edith because they’ve hung out, like, 5 times so it’s long overdue by the Crawley standards. Edith is like Probably yes, but can I bring Marigold? He’s like Who? Edith replies, You know, that random orphaned child we creepily watched sleep the other night. I’m definitely not her mom, but I think she’s kinda cute so can we keep her? He’s like Ummm you’re being really weird, but okay. It’s not like rich people ever hang out with their children anyway. 

Then Edith says she’ll have to give him a definite answer later and expresses some accurate self-awareness for once: “I’m sorry to be a killjoy, but I must.” It’s as though she’s read all my recaps that make fun of her for being an amalgamation of Jan Brady and Debbie Downer!

Over at Mrs. Patmore’s Airbnb, things are going really well. But when she leaves to get to work, some random dude in a bush takes notes about her. Maybe her landlord doesn’t allow sublets?

At Downton, the family returns from London to find that the Dowager has sent Isobel with news of her sojourn and Spratt with a super secret present. The family goes down to the servants’ hall to find out what it is. Please let it be a puppy. Please let it be a puppy.

IT’S A PUPPY!

Robert names her Tia’a.

Edith: “I thought we always had names from ancient Egypt.”

Robert: “Tia’a was a wife of Amenhotep II and the mother of Thutmose IV. Don’t you know anything?”

Rude! Someone take back the puppy!

And scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Carson: I should just rename this award The Carson Medal of Dishonor.

HONORABLE MENTION: Molesley: Congrats to him for being able to read…unlike some people.

BRONZE: Thomas: He’s still hanging in there. Someone make out with him or give him a piggy back ride, for Christ’s sake!

SILVER: Mrs. Patmore: Her Airbnb is bringing in the bucks and she even found time to come up with a feminist reckoning strategy to make Carson shut up about how much he hates everything women cook for him. Well done!

GOLD: The Dowager: The classy south of France solo trip and that smackdown she delivered to Lord Merton’s future daughter-in-law were enough to get her to #1, but the puppy really sealed the deal. She spoils us with her greatness.

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 6 Recap: I Get So Lonely

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 5 Recap: Sunday Bloody Sunday

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 4 Recap: I Will Remember You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 3 Recap: Chapel of Love

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

It’s been a week since all the straight people got proposed to and the lonely gay was mercilessly bullied (a nice and neat allegory for most of human history). Will there be a double wedding with you-can’t-borrow-my-fancy-coat, no-I-don’t-want-my-reception-there drama? Will this episode reveal that Thomas stowed away on the Dowager’s south of France-bound ship in search for warmer climes and shirtless boys? Will Carson step on a stair devastated by termites and fall to his death? Only one way to find out! On with the show!

On a typical overcast day in England, Edith and Cora walk around the grounds with super unnecessary parasols. Cora advises Edith to tell her boyfriend that she’s actually Marigold’s mom. Edith is like Or! I can keep pretending that she’s just a random orphan that follows me around!

Over in the servants’ courtyard, the Sergeant is paying a visit because these people can’t not sloppily kill people or get roped into some type of criminal activity for one day. This time, it’s Mrs. Patmore’s turn to be interrogated. Turns out her Airbnb guests were *pearl clutch* having an affair! And now everyone in town thinks her cute bed and breakfast is a brothel. Mrs. Patmore almost passes out because she’s never had sex in her entire life, and the unfairness of some people getting to do it with multiple partners is just too damn much for her equilibrium to take.

Upstairs, Robert and Rosamund are moving their mouths, but all I can focus on is new puppy Tia’a teething on a wicker basket. Dear Downton writers, thanks for realizing that the only way I can deal with Robert scenes is if there is a cute baby animal in the frame.

Robert and Rosamund watch Edith and Cora through a window. Parasols? Really? is unspoken between them, but understood. They wonder if Edith will get dumped. They decide: statistically, duh.

In town, Mary comes out of a shop with a mystery package. More contraceptives? She and Branson notice a newspaper with the headline “English Marquess Dies in Tangier.” Please don’t let it be Edith’s boyfriend’s employer who spends all his time painting local Moroccan boys. He’s supposed to come back and be Thomas’ sugar daddy!

Ugh, it’s him.

In the servants’ rec room, Anna and Bates are laughing about Mrs. Patmore’s predicament. They’ve replaced sulking and sobbing in the shoe polish room with reveling in others’ misery. At least it’s not us this time!

In another corner of the room, Terrible Self-Esteem #1 and Terrible Self Esteem #2 (cheat code: Molesley and Baxter) have anxiety about not being good enough, per usual.

Over at Isobel’s place, Lord Merton stops by to discuss his son’s wedding invite. Why is Isobel bickering with her ex when she could be on Spring Break with the Dowager in France? Merton brings up how nice his son’s fiance is and Isobel takes a page out of Mariah’s shade book and says:

In Carson’s office, Mrs. Hughes tells him about Mrs. Patmore’s Airbnb brothel. He forbids her to say a word about it to anyone else. Meanwhile, upstairs, Anna is cracking up while spilling all the details to Mary. Why is she so gleefully mean all of a sudden? Is her pregnancy a Rosemary’s Baby type of thing? Bates is pretty devilish.

Mary changes the subject to another person’s misfortune they can mock: Edith’s boyfriend’s possible unemployment due to the death of Thomas’ almost sugar daddy. “My romance might not be the only one to come to an untimely end,” Mary gloats, stopping herself just short of capping her sentence off with a hearty MUAHAHA!

Downstairs, Mrs. Patmore is still reeling over people having extramarital sex on her duvet cover. But there’s no time to deal with her emotions right now cause the schoolteacher drops in to tell Daisy that she passed her tests. Every time a dragged out storyline comes to a close on this show, an angel gets its wings.

Upstairs, the family is sitting around tsk tsk-ing about Edith’s misfortune. Did the three bubble bubble toil and trouble witches from Macbeth curse her or something? they wonder. But don’t cry for Edith, Argentina, ’cause turns out her boyfriend is the heir, which means Edith will now outrank all these losers!

Everyone is super excited because this news will allow them to be even bigger snobs. Well, almost everyone. Mary’s near-stroke reaction:

After six seasons of mockery, Edith a.k.a Jan Brady finally gets the last laugh. Good for her!

Downstairs, Molesley tries to be brave and ask for time off so he can become a teacher. Because Thomas hasn’t been in this episode yet, Carson sets his bullying crosshairs on Molesley’s sweaty little face and says, “And what makes you think you’ll be any good? There are plenty of little boys who want to be famous cricketers. It’s not enough to make them champions.” Ughhh, next time Carson’s on a walk, can lightning strike a tree branch, causing it to break and become a giant splinter in his torso?

Later that night, Robert and Cora talk about Edith’s lucky twist of fate. “For poor old Edith who couldn’t make her dolls do what she wanted, it is rather wonderful!” If I ever re-watch this entire series (I won’t), I would like to make a drinking game out of it. Every time someone refers to Edith as “poor old Edith,” take a body shot. Warning: don’t try this at home unless you want to puke blood on your dinner companions from a burst liver.

The next day, Mary and Branson walk around the property, pretending to work. It isn’t long before Branson repeats his desperate plea for Mary to marry what’s his face: But he’s really cute and likes cars like me and I really need another dude in the family that isn’t Edith’s boring to an Olympic degree boyfriend so just marry him, damn it, marry him for me!!!! But he adds one thing he didn’t mention last week: Oh and yeah, Marigold is totally Edith’s real daughter.

Back at the house, Robert and Rosamund fight like only siblings can over whether Edith should tell her boyfriend about Marigold or not:

Robert: You haven’t got children. You don’t understand these things.

Rosamund: No. I haven’t had children, as you so kindly remind me, but I hope I do have a sense of decency.

Robert: How long are you planning to stay? Your cold must have cleared by now.

Edith and her newly fancy boyfriend interrupt the squabbling. When talking about his dead cousin/employer, he uses coded language that makes me believe the Marquess really could have been perfect for Thomas: “He was…so delicate.” That’s 1925 talk for:

Cora makes Edith’s man cry and he says, “Goodness. I’m afraid you’ve made me blub.” First off, I’m stealing this line for my real life. And second, sure, he’s boring, but there’s something winningly naive about him.

Downstairs, Thomas, who I was about to issue an Amber Alert for, turns up. A potential employer has written to tell him Yeah, no thanks. He internally screams.

Upstairs in the dining room, Edith’s rich boy toy uses more coded language to describe his cousin. He apparently enjoyed watching the young fishermen do their thing. Mmhm. And he was “lyrical” and “an artist.”

Mary interrupts to indecorously grill him about his intentions with Edith. He looks over at Edith and smiles in a way that suggests chocolate dipped strawberries and the kind of extracurricular activities that go on at Mrs. Patmore’s Airbnb.

Meanwhile, inside Edith’s head, this jam is cranked up at high volume:

Meanwhile, over at Patmore’s brothel, a paparazzo is stalking her and Mrs. Hughes. And all the Airbnb-ers have cancelled their bookings. A mid-coitus Turkish death, a kidnapping, an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, several murders, and this is the big scandal of the century?

At the school, the schoolmaster shows up in a graduation cap (zero chill) and introduces Molesley to the kids who will surely eat him alive within the hour. Poor little Piglet doesn’t stand a chance.

On a park bench, Edith and Moneybags talk about how everything has changed for him. He reveals himself to be quite the momma’s boy, which is the perfect time for Edith to be like Sooooo….speaking of mommas, I am one! Surprise! Instead, she goes: Oh. Uh. Erm. Ummm. We should go inside. DO. NOT. MESS. THIS. UP. EDITH!

Later on, the whole family (even the never-there children) are hanging out in the living room when Mary’s ex pops in unannounced (Branson’s handiwork). Mary is not amused.

Robert: I’m afraid you’ve missed tea.

Henry (I remembered his name!): Oh, don’t worry about that.

Mary: I won’t.

All right, Mary, it’s fine if you don’t want to marry the guy, but his best friend just burned to death so chill out.

Over at the school, the kids are destroying the last shred of Molesley’s dignity right on schedule.

Back at Downton, Mary roasts Branson for butting into her business (valid; that layabout definitely needs a hobby). And then it’s Henry’s turn:

Mary: Living in my family house? Working to preserve my estate and being outranked by your own stepson?

Henry doesn’t even feel that kick in the pants and instead gets kind of sinister, almost stroking Mary’s face with a creepy finger, while threatening: “If you’re trying to get rid of me, I’m going to make this as hard and as horrible as I can!” This is all so romantic, isn’t it?

Downstairs, everyone asks Molesley about his first day at school. His response:

Back upstairs, after a brief time out, Mary and Henry are fighting on the stairs again:

Henry: It just seems rather small to me. Not to marry a man for lack of money is the same as marrying him because of it.

Mary: Out of my way! You push in here, into my home, uninvited, in order to call me a grubby, little gold digger? You’ve got a nerve!

Henry: Mary! ……… Mary!

Mary runs upstairs and does that dramatic thing where you close a door and then despair lean all over it.

Downstairs, Bates tells Anna, “She’s a bit of a bully, your Lady Mary.” Takes one to know one, creep.

In an upstairs hallway, money is acting as an aphrodisiac.

Moneybags: Won’t you send me to bed happy?

Edith: Sounds like an indecent proposal.

Steam it up, Edith! Actually, before you do, rip the bandaid off and tell him about Marigold. Come on! You’re almost there! That’s right!

And she misses…

At breakfast the following day, Mary comes down to find that Henry has gone back to London. She instantly gets cranky like a kid whose least favorite toy is missing. Everyone rolls their eyes.

Moneybags is about to announce the engagement to Branson and Mary, but Edith is like Nooooooooo cause she knows that, if Mary is unhappy, she will do whatever she can to make Edith even unhappier. Which is exactly what happens when Mary spills the Marigold secret. Moneybags leaves immediately and Branson thinks Maybe Boston wasn’t so bad?

In a different room, the older rich people have some fun talking about Patmore’s brothel and then decide to help out by being photographed visiting the infamous den of sin. B plot? More like zzzzz-plot.

In the Downton kitchen, Carson is very upset about Mrs. Patmore dragging the precious Crawleys into the mud by accepting their brothel visit. And it wouldn’t be a scene with Carson without some sexist BS falling out of his mouth:

Mrs. Hughes: It’s their choice, Mr Carson. They’re all grown people, surely?

Carson: Well, I’ve always known that women were ruthless, but I didn’t think I’d find the proof in my own wife!

My feelings can be best expressed in the form of this Xena gif:

Outside, Moneybags and Edith are assessing the damage. It’s not looking good. He doesn’t want to marry someone he doesn’t trust so, with a “Good luck” and a tip of the hat, he leaves her standing there, all alone on the precipice of the altar, like always. Mary must pay.

Inside, Branson lets it riiiiiiiip on Mary, saying everything anyone has ever wanted to say to and about her:

“Don’t play the innocent with me. Don’t lie! Not to me! You can’t stop ruining things! For Edith, for yourself! You’d pull in the sky if you could! Anything to make you feel less frightened and alone! You ruined Edith’s life today! How many lives are you going to wreck just to smother your misery? You’re a coward, Mary. Like all bullies, you’re a coward!”

In the servants’ hallways, Baxter and Anna are being chummy because they were born straight and don’t have too much to worry about. Saddled with tons of gay shame, Thomas sadly walks past them to his room. I’m 99% sure he’s about to kill himself. Julian Fellowes, don’t you dare.

Upstairs, it’s Edith’s turn to unload a lifetime of real talk on Mary:

“Just shut up! Who do you think you’re talking to? Mama? Your maid? I know you! I know you to be a nasty, jealous, scheming bitch! You’re a bitch! Not content with ruining your own life, you’re determined to ruin mine! Don’t demean yourself by trying to justify your venom. Just go. And you’re wrong as you so often are. Henry’s perfect for you. You’re just too stupid and stuck up to see it! Still at least he’s got away from you. Which is something to give thanks for, I suppose.”

Meanwhile, unaware of all the juiciness going on all over the house, the old rich people tell Mrs. Patmore they want to help her. Carson can’t help being a monster:

Carson: I wouldn’t like to see this family dragged into a tawdry, local brouhaha.

Mrs. Patmore: [crying] He means me.

Robert shuts him down. A small victory, but I’m still waiting on a falling branch or a boa constrictor or an exploding ulcer or a dash of arsenic or a very heavy anvil to take care of this problem.

On a boring walk, Baxter tries to pep Molesley up for his next match against the ruthless 8-year-olds. That’s when Molesley mentions something weird Thomas said about hoping he would make more of his life than Thomas ever did with his. Nooooooo. Baxter runs back to the house, while Molesley keeps derping along.

Back at the house, Baxter races around, looking for Thomas. Andy says he went for a bath. Ughhhhhh. They break down the door and, sure enough, Thomas is in a bathtub full of his own blood.

In the kitchen, Daisy decides to…oh, who cares! Thomas might be dead! :-(((

Meanwhile, Edith is driving through town and is pretty open to hitting pedestrians, if she has to. Thankfully, she spots Branson before she mows anyone down. They talk about everything but the fact that Thomas might be dead!

Back at Downton, Thomas is not dead (hallelujah!). Mrs. Hughes, Andy and Baxter work together to get him out of the tub. Baxter says, “I hate to think he was so unhappy.” Translation: I hate to think that all the homophobia and intolerance administered by you two and Mr. Carson and, like, everyone else made him want to die. Good work, a-holes.

At the school, Daisy eavesdrops on Molesley’s lecture, which is basically a Bernie Sanders stump speech. Nut shell: Billionaires aren’t better than us. Learning should be accessible to all and should be free and stuff. Marxist Daisy melts into this:

Across town, the family is about to lay into Mary for destroying Edith’s life, but Carson interrupts with the Thomas news. Mary doesn’t even flinch. Instead, she slowly gets up, walks over to pour some tea and then super casually hurls a grenade into Robert’s face: “Do you still think dismissing Barrow was a useful saving, Papa?” Ka-blooey! She is hateful, but she’s not wrong.

Downstairs, everyone is pretty much over that whole Thomas-tried-to-take-his-own-life-because-of-us thing. Instead, they talk about how awesome Molesley is.

In Mary’s room, she is feeling like maybe she overdid it a smidge today. Her blind rage is replaced by tail-between-the-legs contrition. Until it switches back to rage again when Anna brings up Henry. Old habits die hard.

In London, Edith and her lady editor bestie briefly process the breakup and then get back to business because Edith has been there done that in the sob-over-a-breakup-and-almost-accidentally-burn-the-house-down department. They have a meeting with Cassandra Jones, their mysterious advice columnist. They vow to say “bananas” if they think the real person behind the pseudonym shows up.

Back at Downton, Thomas looks a lot better, as he reads in bed. Mary brings in his only friend in the world, baby George, who gifts him an orange. *chokes back sob*

Mary and Thomas bond over how they both have Tourette’s and always blurt out the worst, most hateful things, leaving devastation and misery in their wakes. Things could be worse, guys. Y’all could be married to Carson. Or Bates. Or Robert.

Downstairs, Carson makes Mrs. Patmore feel bad about her brothel again and then brings up how shameful having a “suicidal footman in the attic” is. I’ve run out of clever ways to say that I want this garbage human being dead so I’ll just say: It’s high time Carson took a bath. (Too soon?)

Out front, the Dowager is back from France at Branson’s request. Before she can get to work at fixing everything that’s gone wrong in her absence, she takes some time to complain about Spratt not being home when she got back. Maybe he went to get some more stamps for his collection or a new magnifying glass. Let him live!

Downstairs, Carson is still mumbling cruel things about Mrs. Patmore bringing scandal upon the house. GET OVER IT. Then this Stockholm Syndrome-y exchange happens. I think it’s meant to come off as cute and charming, but I just mourn what Mrs. Hughes could’ve done with her life, if she hadn’t saddled herself with this sexist piece of work:

Mrs. Hughes: You’re such an old curmudgeon.

Carson: Don’t say you’re going off me.

Mrs. Hughes: No, because you’re my curmudgeon and that makes all the difference.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Upstairs, the Dowager and Mary have a heart-to-heart. They agree that being snobby is fun, but that sometimes you have to let it go to make way for some love in your life, even if the guy you like is kinda sorta poor.

Outside, Robert and Carson take turns quoting Steve Urkel’s famed refrain Did I do thaaaaat? over Thomas’ suicide attempt. They vow to be less homophobic in the future, or at least for a few days.

Back at the London office, Edith finds out the Cassandra Jones is…..[drumroll please]…..Spratt?! LOL. Edith and her editor bestie look at each other and say:

In a graveyard, Mary tells Matthew’s grave that she’s getting married.The grave takes it pretty well.

Later, Mary invites Henry over and they get back together. And he’s not messing around; he brought a marriage license and wants to get hitched that weekend. Mary is like Sure, let’s stop beating this will-they-won’t-they dead horse and gallop off into the sunset on a living one.

Fast forward to the wedding day and everyone is getting ready to head to the church. And in comes Edith. Surprise! Being the butt of every joke and being bullied and abandoned at the altar and spurned by burn victim cousins etc. has apparently made Edith super wise and way existential. She spreads these bits of truth in a let’s-agree-to-disagree talk with Mary:

• “I assumed you would be fairly sorry, unless you’re actually insane.”

• “Because you were unhappy, you wanted me to be unhappy, too. Now you’re happy again. You’ll be nicer…for a while.”

• “In the end, you’re my sister and one day, only we will remember Sybil…or Mama or Papa or Matthew or Michael or Granny or Carson or any of the others who have peopled our youth…until, at last, our shared memories will mean more than our mutual dislike.”

Edith is really bringing it home for all the fans who rooted for her over the last six years. Brava!

Later, Mary gets married without a hitch (because she didn’t ask to borrow one of her mom’s coats).

After the ceremony, Robert, the Dowager and Cora tie the episode up with a neat little bow and tease the next and final piece in the puzzle:

Robert: It seems all our ships are coming into port.

Cora: And Edith?

Robert: Of all my children, Edith has given me the most surprises.

The Dowager: Yes, surprises of the most mixed variety.

Robert: A surprise is a surprise, Mama, and I’m sure we haven’t seen the last one yet.

Oooo! The Christmas special is going to be lit!

But we get one last scene first: Edith creepily watching her kid play in a graveyard. Oh, Downton Abbey, you’re so weird and terrible and great. I will miss you.

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Carson: Are you surprised?

HONORABLE MENTION: Spratt: I love a good side hustle. Good for him!

BRONZE: Thomas: He’s a survivor, he’s not gon’ give up, he’s not gon’ stop, he’s gon’ work harder!

SILVER: The Dowager: She only needed to be in this episode for 10 minutes to snag second place. Her pep talk about being a snob, but not being stupid was wonderful. So glad the Dowager is immortal and will never ever die.

GOLD: Edith: The speeches! The cursing! The not giving a hoot about losing a really fancy title and a husband and a happy life! The work ethic! The cool “bananas” bit! Hands down, the gold medalist of the penultimate episode.

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 7 Recap: Off to the Races

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 6 Recap: I Get So Lonely

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 5 Recap: Sunday Bloody Sunday

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 4 Recap: I Will Remember You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 3 Recap: Chapel of Love

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

Every year, I get excited about the Oscars. And, every year, about 7 minutes into the ceremony, a familiar realization comes flooding back: Oh, yeah! Award shows are super duper boring! The main culprit: the uninspired acceptance speeches that often are just a long list of random people’s names. So, in an attempt to make a better world, I’ve compiled a list of dos and don’ts for future award winners to make the most of their stage time:

Do show your endearing humanity by cackling uncontrollably à la Julia Roberts:

Do make sure you’re charming enough to pull off threatening to kidnap and have sex with everyone in the audience, like Roberto Benigni did:

Do use Maya Angelou as an excuse to go HAM on everyone, like Fiona Apple:

Do have a modicum of chill, unlike Sally Field’s infamous YOU LIKE ME, YOU REALLY LIKE ME!!! speech:

Do bring some ‘tude like when Taraji P. Henson refused to be rushed by the Golden Globe producers:

Do kill your haters with cuteness like Ruth Gordon:

Do not say something insufferable and follow it up by hooting like a drunken frat boy:

Do pull a Cuba Gooding Jr. and refuse to be played off by saying “I love you” a billion times:

Do double check to make sure that the gay men you thank are actually out, something Tom Hanks forgot to do:

Do realize that kissing your sibling on the lips and then saying you’re in love with them will lead to incest rumors:

Do use your acceptance speech time to do some cardio:

Do leave them wanting more:

Fuller House, the reboot of ’90s TGIF staple Full House, has officially landed on Netflix. You probably already knew that though, thanks to the countless reviews out there branding it every synonym of bad. Why are these people surprised? The original was schmaltzy, corny, and not that great; why would the reincarnation be any different?

Over the past three days, I watched all 13 episodes of the revival’s first season and thoroughly enjoyed the experience because of its shortcomings. Fuller House knows its limitations. It embraces the slapstick, the stuck-in-the-past dad jokes, the weak catchphrases, the embarrassing call-backs to the original series and, most of all, the what-in-the-world-is-going-on, how-did-we-get-here moments. I find the latter most interesting so, without further ado, here is a collection of all the WTF moments from Season 1:

The cast doesn’t waste any time breaking the fourth wall to shadily address the absence of the Olsen twins a.k.a. Michelle:

Uncle Jessie swings a baby wearing an Elvis onesie into Uncle Joey’s testicles.

Kimmie Gibbler alludes to having given birth to her daughter in a rental car. She also allegedly knows Kama Sutra secrets.

It’s never too late for a New Kids on the Block breakdance for no reason:

Uncle Jessie reminds his wife that they won’t be having any more kids: “You know that ship has sailed. It sunk. All semen lost.”

In stop-trying-to-make-fetch-happen news: Candace Cameron exclaims “Oh my lanta!” almost every episode (in a dogged attempt never to take the Lord’s name in vain), DJ’s middle kid constantly says “Holy chalupas!” at the slighest provocation, and DJ’s very white eldest child continuously refers to himself as J Money, despite never exhibiting any interest in hop hop culture or anything that isn’t suburban.

The entire cast earnestly sings along to Uncle Jessie’s “Forever,” which was allegedly a big hit in Japan, followed by a “Wild Thing” encore:

A cell phone accidentally gets caught in a diaper during a changing, leading Stephanie to take a call from the baby’s butt. The baby, of course, farts. And, as if that wasn’t enough, the writers throw in a “butt dial” joke for good measure:

When contemplating changing clothes in an Uber, D.J. says: “What if Uber sees my boobers?” Yep, someone was paid to write that.

Several cast members debate whether Neil deGrasse Tyson farts.

Macy Gray (!!!) makes an appearance as herself. She apparently rode an elephant in Cambodia with Stephanie after a bender. She proclaims “I’m crazy for Swayzee” before breaking into a rendition of “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” from Dirty Dancing. She goes on to utter these words: “And the winner is these two luscious lesbians!” And the cherry on top: the moment Macy Gray realizes she’s too good for this cameo: “What am I doing here? I won a Grammy!”

Pre-teen masturbation jokes are very much on the table:

A second grader slaps his face with slices of bologna to attract puppies.

A old man scratches his grown son’s belly, causing the 30-something to act like a dog.

After being skunked, Stephanie ends up naked in a vat of tomato soup with a baby and a second grader. They are surrounded by golden retriever puppies who are in tomato soup-filled kiddie pools.

D.J. confuses a blind date for a plumber she’s expecting, causing the following line to be deeply misinterpreted: “I just need a man to get to work on my pipes.”

Stephanie helps Iggy Azalea find her missing contact lens. Iggy rewards Steph with one of her hair extensions:

The second-grader works through recital stage fright by performing at Coachella over WiFi. No, really.

Out of nowhere, Stephanie walks over to a changing table and bursts into tears over being barren:

Kimmie Gibbler gallops in a circle while hitting her butt, saying “Spank it!” and neighing.

Kimmie draws attention to a distracting part of Stephanie’s (well, actress Jodie Sweetin’s, really) anatomy, by declaring: “Look at me! I’m Stephanie! I have big boooobs!”

In an attempt to shoe-horn in diversity and balance out the glaring whiteness of the Tanner family (“They’re albino polar bears drinking milk in a snow storm watching Frozen”), the Fuller House writers make sure that Kimmie’s half Latina daughter reminds the audience of her heritage at every turn by making her say stuff like this: “Sarah ate some bad pollo and her butt went loco!”

D.J. randomly beats up two Mexican wrestlers dressed up in chicken costumes. “Oo, right in the chicken McNuggets!,” an announcer shouts.

D.J.’s eldest son starts performing dangerous stunts to impress a new friend who always wears a one-size-too-small leather jacket (the designated uniform for all trouble-making bad influences). At the end of the episode, without any explanation, said bad influence enters his friend’s room wearing nothing but a towel. Why is he showering there? Future gay tween subplot?

The family has an altar in memory of their father Danny Tanner…who isn’t dead.

DJ and her high school sweetheart Steve sing “Unchained Melody” by the Righteous Brothers, while mixing meat with their hands.

Kimmie’s very Latina daughter comes home from shopping and is excited about her new Elizabeth & James designer dress by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, which opens up the opportunity for another Olsen twin diss: “At these prices, no wonder they don’t have to act anymore!”

Kimmie’s “Latin lover” ex is a full-blown caricature of a human being, whose over-the-top accent is only rivaled by Hank Azaria in The Birdcage. He also slaps another man in the face with a dishwashing glove:

In every episode, there is some reminder that Stephanie is a dancer:

A singer:

…a DJ, or all the above. But only once does she utilize a text exchange backdrop for marketing purposes:

DJ tries to stop any fun from occurring at a teenage birthday party by screaming: “Nobody pair up! Nobody make out!” This line may or may not have been taken from actress Candace Cameron’s real life protesting icky gays getting married.

If Aunt Becky’s life is any indication, the forecast for your walk into the sunset with your beloved boo is BLEAK:

Stephanie’s boyfriend is revealed to be San Francisco Giants player Hunter Pence, who really shouldn’t quit his day job. He wears a golden fork around his neck, which is only used to eat pizza.

DJ’s two suitors accidentally kiss each other and Candace Cameron surprisingly doesn’t walk off set in protest over all the gross gayness.

One of DJ’s kids really needs to poop, but there’s no toilet paper because the unattended baby wrapped it all around himself. In a move of desperation, the kid grabs the toilet paper baby and runs into the bathroom to take care of business.

Two teens massage a second-grader’s feet and things are weird.

It wouldn’t be 2016 without a problematic cultural appropriation party. Theme: India! And yes, that’s a “sacred cow” in the background.

Which previously barged into the family’s kitchen.

Here’s one more for good measure (poor guy):

Someone approaches this baby and asks, “Where did you get that hat? Turban outfitters?”

The entire cast (plus nameless extras with zero lines) burst into a very long choreographed Bollywood dance sequence:

DJ, Stephanie and Kimmie get drunk and squeeze in one last dig at the Olsen twins by prank calling Michelle and taunting her with all her former catchphrases:

And the writers throw in one last same-sex kiss to freak out Candace Cameron some more. I bow to their trolling:

Worried that we will only get one WTF season of Fuller House? Well, fear not:

What a time to be alive!

After six years of class warfare, murder, weddings and funerals, Downton Abbey is riding off into the sunset (most likely, side-saddle). So much has happened since we first laid eyes on Lady Mary and the gang. How much of it do you remember? Take this quiz and find out:

And if you’re still craving more Downton, give this episode of The Cooler a listen:

And we have much more Downton-related content, like recaps, guides and mixtapes:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 8 Recap: Tears Dry On Their Own

It’s been a week since all the straight people got proposed to and the lonely gay was mercilessly bullied (a nice and neat allegory for most of human history). Will there be a double wedding with you-can’t-borrow-my-fancy-coat, no-I-don’t-want-my-reception-there drama?

5 Authentic Anglophile Experiences in the Bay Area for Downton Die-Hards

By Carly Severn Has your Downton Abbey obsession reached unprecedented heights with the arrival of Season 5 (9pm Sundays on KQED 9)? Does your general addiction to Masterpiece Theatre have you craving the English life, with only the small matter of 5,000 miles of U.S. soil and Atlantic Ocean standing in your way?

Crawley Girls: A Downton Abbey Mixtape

The season finale of Downton Abbey is upon us (say it ain’t so)! Let’s put wallowing on hold for now and instead take a musical journey through the evolution of the Crawley girls! Oh, and, if you aren’t caught up with the show, I wouldn’t read this ’cause there are HELLA SPOILERS.

On March 3, 1991, a spunky blonde girl with an affinity for loud clothing choices and a deep commitment to sibling rivalry boogied her way onto cable subscribers’ TV screens and into America’s hearts. Clarissa, the titular character on Nickelodeon’s Clarissa Explains It All, made her debut appearance 25 years ago today.

While it’s easy to dismiss the current wave of nostalgia for ’90s kids’ programming and the resulting flood of questionable reboots as nothing more than a transparent money-grab — I liked Legends of the Hidden Temple, but it didn’t deserve a TV movie treatment in 1998 and it certainly doesn’t deserve one now — the fact remains that not all ’90s TV shows were created equal.

As for Clarissa? Clarissa was one of the best.

In a post-Hannah Montana landscape, it’s hard to imagine that network executives were once reluctant to put an adolescent girl front and center on her own TV show.

#tbt to my first red carpet in LA. Great company to arrive with for my inaugural walk thru Hollywood. #throwbackthursday

“#tbt to my first red carpet in LA. Great company to arrive with for my inaugural walk thru Hollywood. #throwbackthursday”

But “People were skeptical about whether boys would watch a girl,” showrunner Mitchell Kriegman told BuzzFeed in 2014. “That was the biggest stake in the ground, and that’s what I had gone for in pitching it.”

Kriegman got his way, kicked down that door, and promptly proved the skeptics wrong. Melissa Joan Hart wasn’t just a girl, of course. She was that rare child star — eager and endearing without coming off cloying, poised but not overpolished — in whom young teens truly saw themselves. It probably helped that she was actually 15 when the show started. Mind you, this was back in the halcyon days of children’s entertainment, before it became normal for child stars to launch international perfume empires by the age of 12; before the Disney pipsqueak-to-sexpot pipeline we know all too well had become commonplace. Clarissa was a girl, yes, but she was also the everykid.

In the end, though, Kriegman succeeded not because of his star. The show rang true because he and his writing team remembered what it felt like to be 14 years old.

Clarissa’s bedroom was her kingdom, with hubcaps on the walls, They Might Be Giants posters, and even a pet alligator named Elvis in the corner (though he did not, sadly, make it past Season 1). Her out-there and yet totally-with-it fashion sense (hello, Keith Haring t-shirt!) captured that age when expressing one’s nascent individuality feels like all that matters; caring about clothes was a playful art form, not a sign of vapidity.  Google “Clarissa fashion” for a taste of the approximately 4000 style blogs that still craft posts intended for adults about how to dress like her, two and a half decades later.

In a similar vein, Clarissa’s feuds with her snot-nosed brother, Ferguson, might have been over funny or petty-seeming issues — per Wikipedia, a typical plot summary was “Ferguson convinces himself he’s a genius after an IQ test. Clarissa tries to prove him wrong by joining him on the game show Brain Drain” — but the stakes always seemed to be life-or-death, which is, of course, how life feels when you’re a teen. There were no easy Full House-style hugs at an episode’s conclusion. They were enemies, and the struggle was real.

In an interview with Mental Floss, Kriegman revealed that the universe in which the show existed was the result of meticulous planning: He even crafted a show “bible” for the writers to reference as necessary, featuring characterizations of Clarissa like “[She’s] the Ferris Bueller of girldom, but also kind of Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes.” What Clarissa had in common with both those worlds was a tacit understanding that the kids — while they often had little control over their lives — were always running the show. Recall, too, that tween and teen culture wasn’t quite the dominant market force back then that it is today. A show that plainly recognized teens’ intelligence was a rare and precious thing indeed.

And then, of course, there was Sam. Clarissa’s relationship with her best friend (who had his own entrance music and appeared casually via ladder into her bedroom window years before Dawson’s Creek would rip off that particular trope) was aspirational in part because of its total innocence; it remained platonic for the duration of five seasons, nary a forced WB-style love triangle in sight. Here they are plotting their visit to a Pearl Jam show (!).

Clarissa’s parents, meanwhile, often the subjects of the “B” storyline, were sometimes helpful — but mostly clueless in a way any kid immediately recognized as authentic. (And, yes, if you happen to have grown up in Berkeley or somewhere similar, it was doubly fun to commiserate with both kids’ distaste for their mother’s cartoonishly gross health food obsessions. Tofu milkshakes, anyone?)

The sitcom also featured a few stylistic hallmarks that would later become commonplace: Clarissa’s persistent breaking of the fourth wall, for example, is the clear lo-fi ancestor to the central conceit of iCarly, the late-aughts Nickelodeon show about a teenage girl who has her own web series, thus her speaking directly to the camera.

Clarissa didn’t need the pretense of a TV show. Clarissa was the TV show. The whole point was to turn everyday life into an adventure — which of course made the Clarissa board game a natural merchandising effort. It was, in a sense, a straighter Pee-Wee’s Playhouse…with way less sexual subtext, and way more guest appearances by James Van Der Beek.

Some 25 years after the show’s debut, much of what made Clarissa a hit might seem like a given in teen TV. But perhaps the best thing about the show was actually an absence: In an era when preachy Very Special Episodes were almost mandatory for television aimed at adolescents, Clarissa was never moralizing. The show dealt with typical teenage topics like crushes, bullying and, you know, not getting good seats at the Pearl Jam show. But if there had to be an overarching message to the series, it was that staying true to yourself — to your weirdo, Doc Martens-loving, alligator-having self — was always, and would always continue to be, the most important choice you could make.

It may have worn its geekiness more plainly on its sleeve, but Clarissa was running with a baton that Daria and even My So-Called Life‘s Angela Chase would pick up some six years later. It showed a generation of kids that being different was way cool. And for some of us, at that age, that was all we really needed to hear.

Over the past six years, I’ve had a love-hate relationship with Downton Abbey. Like with most romances, things started off hot and heavy, but eventually cooled way down (my turning point: when they killed off Sybil, the woman responsible for making harem-pants and marrying poor, hot dudes fashionable). But, through all the recycled storylines (Bates is in trouble with the law…again! Edith is unlucky in love…again!) and snoozy B-plots (the old people argue over a hospital merger…for 7 whole episodes!), there was one shining light that kept me watching: the Dowager Countess. Before this often great/sometimes terrible show rides off into the sunset, let’s take a moment to give credit where credit is due and appreciate her finest moments:

Wh-what is being wrong?

If they aren’t insulted the first time, try, try again:

The Godfather prequel:

You thought she needed the walking stick for stability but it was a weapon this whole time:

That time she saw Mary’s new bob haircut for the first time:

When she called her own son a waiter:

The time she first encountered electricity:

Or that time she sat in a swivel chair for the first time:

Always there to remind you to have some dignity:

Cajoling, the hard way:

Always telling people exactly what they need to hear:

Talk to you never, dude:

#DealWithIt:

Keeping religion going, one rude thought at a time:

If the queen of all snobs tells you to stop being snobby, you might want to reevaluate some things:

Gird your loins:

Not wasting any time:

She invented ghosting:

Putting your saintly martyrdom on notice:

I don’t like talking on the phone either:

Who run the world? Girls! (But mostly the Dowager Countess):

#1 fan of drama:

Nose up, guns out:

In summary:

It’s been two long weeks since Edith finally snapped and gloriously cussed Mary out! Will the series culminate in a bloody sisterly duel? Will Thomas avoid the sad, miserably alone gay trope and shack up with a hot dude? Will a sinkhole open up right underneath Carson and deliver him to H-E-double hockey sticks? Only one way to find out! On with the show!

The last Downton episode we will ever watch begins the only way it can: by getting our tear ducts warmed up with shots of babies Sybbie, George and Marigold frolicking alongside brand new adorable puppy, Tia’a. This is going to be a long, emotional 93 minutes! I’m guessing you and I will both ugly cry at least once.

The whole family is on a stroll. Lady Mary obviously doesn’t read my recaps because, despite my strong opinions on the matter, she insists on using a parasol, even though there is no sun anywhere in England.

Edith has decided to move to London and enlist Marigold in a school (*pearl clutch*). Robert, whose only function is to represent dusty, out-dated points of view, is like But no! Everyone ignores him.

Cousin Isobel, ever the you-know-what-stirrer, asks, “Does [Marigold] have any relations who ought to be kept informed?” The Crawleys, who have won worst-secret-keepers-in-all-the-land six years running, all look at each other with expressions reserved for people who’ve just farted, but poorly pretend they didn’t. Isobel doesn’t catch on cause she’s too busy gloating to herself over being right about that boring hospital merger thing that we spent SEVEN ENTIRE EPISODES on.

Edith ends the scene by accepting her fate, which has seemed inevitable since episode one: “Anyway, I’m a spinster, aren’t I? And spinsters live alone.” Poor Jan. And poor Marigold, really, who’s in store for a life that resembles Grey Gardens. (OMG, it just clicked that Big and Little Edie’s real names were…Edith!)

Robert alludes to the Dowager being ill. So help me, goddess, if Julian Fellowes kills her off in this episode, I will buy a bunch of Tae Bo tapes, train for many weeks as a champion fighter, travel to England and kick his ass.

Henry smokes a cigarette as despairingly as possible to get Mary’s attention. It works. Mary is like, Hey, sorry about your dead friend. Henry then reveals he’s not so into cars and racing anymore. Mary thinks to herself that the money she paid that auto-mechanic to mess with Henry’s friend’s car was well worth it. Oh, come on, would you put it past her?

In the shoe polish room, where everything happens, Thomas approaches Baxter, Andy and Anna to thank them for saving his life post-suicide attempt. Baxter and Andy react like normal, empathetic human beings, by saying they were glad to do it and are glad he gets to stay a bit longer. Anna takes a different approach: “Why not use the time [you have left here] to try and understand what brought you so low?” Ex-squeeze me? Victim blaming? Really? Also, it won’t take too much time to understand what brought him to slit his wrists: homophobic bullies like Carson, Robert, Andy and your very own husband. Get out of here, Anna.

Over at the Dowager’s bachelorette pad, she is very much alive (*cancels Tae Bo order*) and gossiping with cousin Isobel. Apparently, Isobel’s ex’s rude son invited her to tea, but then flaked. Oh, who cares, we all know this is heading to Isobel getting back with Lord Merton, let’s just fast forward to the wedding and spend this precious time watching the Dowager judge all the attendees mercilessly, give a boozy, barbed speech, and dance on a table to the beat of a rowdy quintet.

In Mrs. Hughes office, she and Anna discuss maternity leave. Carson comes in and, you guessed it, announces his disapproval of lady’s maids being pregnant and/or married. He makes me so angry that I wish I had a prosthetic leg just so I could throw it at him.

Outside, Edith hears a cocktail shaker and says, “What a cheering sound!” Do you blame her? Before therapy stopped being taboo, drinking a sh*t ton was the only way to deal. And, boy, does she have a lot to deal with. Edith and all the other rich people enjoy their cocktails because all the dead relatives, burst ulcers and aborted engagements are behind them now. Or are they???

In the downstairs kitchen, Andy is bragging about how he can read and stuff now. Cool. Thomas comes by and jokingly tells him to stop the “love talk” with Daisy. Aw, I’m glad he’s accepted Andy’s non-gayness. Can’t say the same for myself, though. #LetThomasMakeOut! Daisy is offended by the prospect of Andy as a lover because everything she does in this season has to make zero sense. Mrs. Patmore is like, Girl, please.

Upstairs, the rich folk are talking about visiting the under-the-weather Dowager (*reorders Tae Bo tapes*), when Carson’s body goes berserk for a second, causing him to spill a bunch of wine. OMG, did someone request another exploding, potentially fatal ulcer? Yep! That was me!

Downstairs, Andy approaches Mrs. Patmore and asks, “Is Daisy interested in men?” BA HA HA.

Mrs. Patmore assures him that Daisy isn’t a lesbian and Andy vows to date her. Series finales are always like this: throwing different characters together like spaghetti at a wall and seeing what sticks.

The next day, Thomas gets some good news for a change. He got a job! Carson gloats, but I’m not even mad about it cause his days are numbered, muahaha.

Across town, Denker paints her nails a scandalous nude color! Good for her.

Edith drops in to talk to Spratt a.k.a. Cassandra Jones about how awesome he is at writing about lady things. So awesome that he’s getting a full page spread in every issue from now on! This storyline is amazing.

In town, Molesley tells Baxter he doesn’t really get the point of shampoo (he probably doesn’t like it cause it makes his shoe polish hair dye run). They bump into the schoolmaster, who offers Molesley a full-time position and an apartment. Another storyline, quickly wrapped lickety-split.

On a drive to London, Edith makes Henry promise not to tell Mary about Spratt’s secret identity. He asks why not and Edith gives a loaded look like Uhhhh, remember the last time she found out a secret and got me de-titled and mercilessly dumped?! Yeah, so zip the lip, pretty boy.

Back at the Dowager’s, Denker doesn’t waste any time threatening Spratt in order to find out what he’s hiding. Her wig really does deserve an acting award, or at least a prize for most attention-grabbing accessory.

Back at the Abbey, Andy asks Daisy to go on a walk and she’s like:

Mrs. Patmore tells her to chill out.

A few minutes later, Carson interrupts a convo between Mrs. Patmore and Hughes. He takes a cup of tea and his hand shakes a bunch.

Mrs. Hughes follows him into his office to confront him about whatever is going on with his health, but he denies anything is going on until Molesley comes in to share his good news (bad idea). Carson obviously makes Molesley feel like crap about his new teaching opportunity because, even on his way to his death bed, it’s important that he stay consistent in being the most miserable person to ever grace the moors of Yorkshire.

Over at the Dowager’s, she still alive and hanging out with Mary and Robert. Edith’s breakup comes up and Mary has a cat-ate-the-canary look about her; she either has a plan to get them back together or is just very pleased with how she broke them up in 30 seconds or less, a new record for her.

The topic switches to Cora taking over the Dowager’s hospital gig because the Downton writers think we’re heavily invested in that dead horse of a storyline (we’re not). Then this exchange happens:

Mary: “Swallow it, Granny. It’s stuck in your craw long enough.”

Dowager: “Oh, don’t worry about me. I gobbled it up long ago. It’s your father who seems to have difficulty swallowing these days.”

Across town, Isobel drops in on her ex. Despite humming Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” to herself for weeks, she feels like Hmm, maybe we will? Well, it’s too little too late because Lord Merton is suffering from pernicious anemia and is going to die pretty soon. Exes: use ’em or lose ’em!

Across town, Edith shows Henry her London digs and HE CALLS HER EDIE, further solidifying my Grey Gardens theory! He confesses that he’s giving up driving, but has some concerns about how Mary will take it:

Henry: “She certainly won’t enjoy the transformation of her glamorous ace of a husband into a man who sits about the house with nothing to do.”

Edith: “Well, then, you must find something to do.”

Another women’s advice column, coming right up!

Back at Downton, a huge, scary hairdryer comes in the mail. If Chekhov’s principle holds (“If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off”), then someone is getting a rad blowout by the end of this episode. Let it be Mrs. Patmore!

It probably won’t be though because Daisy is complaining about how she’s never changed her hairstyle (her age also hasn’t changed over the 13 years we’ve known these people, but who’s counting). Andy tries to flirt some more by telling her she doesn’t need to change her hair. Daisy responds the only way she knows how:

Back in London, Aunt Rosamund is taking Edith to the Ritz for dinner. They are talking smack about Mary cause what else is there to talk about really? They roll up to the table and – boom! – Bertie is standing there. Aunt Rosamund is like K byeee! Miles away, canary-in-the-mouth Mary smiles to herself.

Edith and Bertie have a dramatic post-breakup convo in front of their waiter, who is internally eating popcorn and going Ooooo. Edith is being pretty harsh with Bertie. Memo to Edith: Hey, girl. It’s me. Um, remember that whole thing where you lied to him about having a daughter and irrevocably damaged the trust between you? Yeah. Be nicer.

My memo must have been lost because she makes Bertie cry, while the waiter who’s pretending not to be eating all this up, pours champagne. But all’s well that ends well: they get back together! And no one has pernicious anemia! Yay!

Back at Downton, in the shoe polish room (where else?), Thomas tells Baxter he’s going to try and be someone else at his new job. No, Tommy, it’s not you, it’s them!

Upstairs, Robert bursts into the bedroom with breaking news about Edith:

Robert: “You’re not going to believe it!”

Cora: “She’s pregnant again?”

Robert: “No!”

Cora: “She’s been arrested for treason?”

Best use of Cora in six whole seasons!

At the Dowager’s, she and Isobel talk about how pernicious pernicious anemia is.

Back at Downton, the fam is taking off to meet Edith’s mother-in-law. Thomas says his goodbyes and thanks Robert for his homophobia over the years. WTF. Then, Cora reminds me that Thomas saved Edith from dying in a fire! That makes the way people have treated Thomas all season even worse! I’m glad he’s ditching these jerks once and for all.

Downstairs, Daisy plays around with Snapchat filters:

Daisy thinks she looks frumpy and unemployable. Andy says he would hire her. Daisy, once again, is not having any of it:

In some other part of England, Cora and Robert drive up to the gargantuan castle that is set to be Edith’s future home. Mary can have Downton. Inside, they walk through room after room after room to get to the one that holds Bertie and his mom. Then, Edith makes her entrance and Bertie’s mom is like:

Back at Downton, Henry is STILL talking about how he’s decided to give up racing. Yes, we know! I gave up yoga and trying to learn French and drinking Long Island Iced Teas, but you don’t hear me carrying on about it, do you? Get on with your life!

Carson goes to pour something again and shakes it all over the table.

Back at Edith’s palace, Bertie’s mom makes it clear that she is not moving out EVER! Everyone is like, Um, we didn’t say anything. She goes on to ramble about how Bertie must bring morality and family values back to the title because his dead cousin was super gay and loved painting Moroccan boys. So now they have to tell her about Marigold and Thomas.

In the village, Isobel and her dying ex visit Dr. Clarkson who says Yeah, you’re going to be dead soon. Sorry not sorry. (Remember their love triangle B-plot?) Then, Dr. Clarkson has to watch them make goo-goo eyes at each other, while he internally screams.

Outside of the doctor’s office, Lord Merton’s evil daughter-in-law is waiting to snatch him away. Isobel tries to have a Real Housewives moment with her, but she’s bad at being taken seriously and is cut off mid-sentence by evil daughter-in-law: “Heavens, is that the time? Good day, Mrs Crawley!” Okay, time to call in reinforcements a.k.a. the Dowager.

Back at Downton, Henry is STILL moaning about not having a hobby. He sure is lucky he has a nice face.

Downstairs, Thomas says his final goodbyes and forgives everyone for making him so miserable he wanted to die in a bathtub. He even thanks Carson. Since we haven’t ugly cried yet, the kids are brought in to say goodbye:

Baby George: “Please don’t go.”

Thomas: “Oh, I must go, Master George, but remember I will always be your friend wherever I am.”

Back at Fortress Edith, Edith decides to tell Bertie’s mom everything. Eeeek!

Over at Thomas’ new workplace, his super old employer confirms that there are only two other servants in the whole place. Thomas looks out a window and despairs.

At Daisy’s father-in-law’s farm, Daisy watches Andy seductively hammer nails, while wearing a thin, sweaty laborer’s shirt. Her father-in-law mentions Andy’s “young man’s muscles” and how he is a “crackin’ lad,” leading Daisy to have an epiphany:

Back at Edith’s British Versailles, Bertie has it out with his mother over Edith’s secret illegitimate child. His mom calls Edith “damaged goods.” *cue the Jerry Springer audience ooooo’s*

At Lord Merton’s, evil daughter-in-law slams the door in Isobel’s face.

Elsewhere, Branson and Henry plot something that probably has to do with cars. Next!

In Carson’s office, Molesley arrives to give in his notice, but says he hopes to pitch in on special occasions since he’ll still have his livery. Carson is unsurprisingly terrible: “Your livery stays here!” Even Mrs. Hughes is like Dude, give the evil thing a rest! 

Over at Thomas’ new spot, he snuffs out dinner candles, just like his desire to live has been.

At Petite Trianon, the banquet where Bertie wants to announce his engagement is underway. They are serving things out of carved pineapples! Every time Bertie attempts to tell everyone about marrying Edith, his mom toast-blocks him. She eventually relents and everyone celebrates by getting wasted.

At Lord Merton’s, the Dowager teaches evil daughter-in-law who runs sh*t around here by bursting in and creating a scene, which leads to Lord Merton finding out her nefarious plan, getting engaged to Isobel, and telling his son: “Larry, as my son, I love you, but I’ve tried and failed to like you.” Check mate!

Back at Downton, Edith is back from her castle and takes Mary aside to thank her for arranging the Ritz summit. Mary explains why she’s being nice to Edith for the first time ever: “Look, we’re blood and we’re stuck with it. So, let’s try and do a little better in future.” Peace in the Middle East is possible!

Downstairs, Daisy is finally ready to make out with Andy, but he’s over it:

Time leap to December 29, 1925, the week of Edith’s wedding! Cousin Rose shows up from America without her three-month-old because what a bother that would be. She runs around, hyper as ever, greeting everyone and not being Sybil (nice try, Downton writers).

Over at the Dowager’s, Denker threatens to reveal Spratt’s secret identity. We’re seriously wasting time on another Denker-blackmails-someone storyline?

At Downton, Cora tells everyone about her cool new job over dinner. Robert gets mad that she’s a woman with something to do, other than doting on a man. He grumpily asks Carson for more wine, but Carson can’t pour it. Later, he tells Robert that he must resign because he can no longer perform his duties.

Across town, Henry and Branson finally let Mary in on their secret: they opened a used car dealership! She pretends to be excited and not at all bothered to her innermost core over Edith getting the castle and fancy title. Oh, and because it’s the last episode and everything possible must take place, Mary’s pregnant.

Across town, Rose forces Robert to visit the hospital so he can see Cora at work and realize that it’s okay for women to do things. He blossoms into a feminist in 2.3 seconds. It’s about time.

Back at Downton, Daisy is on a mission to upgrade her look. She sneaks into Mary’s room and snags the hairdryer. This will not end well. Please don’t get bangs.

At the Dowager’s, Denker is still working on getting Spratt in trouble. The Dowager is not biting at all the hints she’s dropping so Denker must resort to Plan B: just giving her a copy of the column and pointing at it furiously.

The next day, Daisy is wearing her bonnet all weird. Mrs. Patmore and Anna pressure her to take it off. Bates silently stands by, per usual (the lines they’ve given this character over six years could fit on a single double-spaced sheet of paper). Daisy reveals her crazy new hairdo just in time for Andy to walk by and point and laugh. Love (and hair care) is a battlefield.

Anna helps Daisy fix the damage and unfortunately gives her bangs.

Andy comes in and helps her clean up the hair. He then takes some of it to keep. Y’all haven’t been on a single date yet so maybe cool it on the hair keepsakes for now.

At the church, it’s time to get this wedding popping! Henry annoyingly talks about his unborn baby in a loud voice. Meanwhile, Branson flirts up a storm with Edith’s editor because no straight character must be left uncoupled by the end of this episode.

Dr. Clarkson sneaks up on Isobel and Lord Merton to say that the anemia isn’t pernicious after all! Lord Merton will die of old age in, like, five years instead of right away! Woo hoo!

On the grand staircase at Downton, Edith descends in a gorgeous wedding dress with a veil for days. Robert is there to receive her and reiterate what everyone has said all episode: OMG, I can’t believe things worked out for you! Edith is like, Me neither! I was all set to live with Marigold, non-house-trained stray cats and grabby raccoons!

During the ceremony, everyone is paying attention, except for Henry, who insists on talking throughout about his unborn baby in a creepy whisper. Edith withstood being left at the altar by an old dude, being spurned by her burn-victim cousin, having her fiance killed by Nazis, almost dying in a fire, having to give birth in secret, having her daughter kidnapped, etc. etc. etc. so do shut up, Henry, and let her have her moment!

The priest asks for anyone who has a problem with Edith’s happy ending to speak now or forever hold their peace. Stay seated and quiet, Mary! You too, Bertie’s mom! An interminable silence passes. And, phew, we made it! Go on and celebrate, beleaguered Team Edith!

At the reception, Robert comes out to Cora as a feminist and tells her he’s proud of her for being good at her job. Cora makes a mental note to cancel her next rendezvous with her London art dude side-piece.

Downstairs, Daisy’s ugly bangs tell Andy she’s moving in with her father-in-law and that’s she’s down to go on a date at some point. If the rest of Downton‘s relationships are anything to go by, they’ll be married and pregnant with twins in two weeks, three tops.

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. So consider Carson really freaking insane because he tries to pour something AGAIN and it, of course, goes all over the place. He turns into Gollum and spits out, “I CANNOT POUR THE BLOODY STUFF!!!” Robert rushes up and is like, Okay, that’s it. Someone keep Carson away from bottles from now on please! Oh, and Thomas, you’re butler now. A victory for gay rights…kinda.

Upstairs, Anna is returning the hairdryer when her water breaks on the floor. Mary doesn’t smack her with a hairbrush like she probably would have six years ago. Character development!

Elsewhere in the house, the Dowager commends Spratt on his awesome fashion and entertaining advice in front of Denker. Why keep employing such a troublemaking drunk? Eh, not enough time to care about this anymore.

Downstairs, Daisy’s father-in-law comes onto Mrs. Patmore because, like I said, no straight person shall go uncoupled.

Upstairs, Edith throws the bouquet before going on her honeymoon. No surprise here: her lady editor friend a.k.a. Branson’s future wife catches it. Sybil’s ghost will hopefully take over this woman’s body as a vessel and Branson and Sybil can be together again! Hey, if Edith can have a happy ending, anything is possible!

In Mary’s room, Anna has a healthy baby, zero preeclampsia. Everyone pretends to not be grossed out by a servant having had a baby in an upstairs bedroom. Mary will have the soiled bed put into Edith’s room in the morning.

The clock strikes midnight and a new year begins. Everyone kisses and drinks and sings “Auld Lang Syne.” The Dowager has the last word, as she should, and is still kicking as the camera pans away from the Abbey, blanketed in snow. And I can rest easy knowing that I don’t have to travel halfway across the world to Tae Bo Julian Fellowes into the next dimension.

FIN.
After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Lord Merton’s evil daughter-in-law: Seeing as it’s the last episode, I was going to pardon everyone, but then I remembered this piece of work.

HONORABLE MENTION: Cora: Still laughing at her “Is she pregnant or arrested for treason” joke. And props for rocking it at her first job ever. Way to surpass my very low expectations of you, sister!

BRONZE: Thomas: He didn’t get a make out buddy and will probably die alone, but he got his coveted butler position so that’s something.

SILVER: The Dowager: Mathematically speaking, she should be dead by now. But she’s not. Because she’s perfect and immortal. May she continue living until the planet is snuffed out by global warming.

GOLD: Edith: After six years of Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, for once, the people sang Jan, Jan, Jan!

That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. If you want to keep up with my work, I write daily for KQED Pop. You can also hear my opinions on all things pop culture on The Cooler podcast. And if Twitter is your thing, follow me!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 8 Recap: Tears Dry On Their Own

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 7 Recap: Off to the Races

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 6 Recap: I Get So Lonely

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 5 Recap: Sunday Bloody Sunday

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 4 Recap: I Will Remember You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 3 Recap: Chapel of Love

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex