Tyra Banks Is Opening a Theme Park Called ‘Modelland.’ We Have A Few Suggestions

When it comes to theme parks, nobody does it better than America. You’ve got your Disneys, and your Universal Studios, and even your Knott’s Berry Farms. But where American leisure truly distinguishes itself is with the more specialized parks. Think Paul Bunyan Land. Or perhaps The Holy Land Experience, a large-scale shrine to Jesus. Then there’s Dollywood, a park that combines the thrills of Six Flags with the aesthetics of an Appalachian coal mine. And soon—later this year in fact—we’ve got a shiny new kid on the block in the form of Tyra Banks’ Modelland.

Banks has been working on the 21,000-square-foot Santa Monica attraction for a decade and is finally on the verge of unveiling it. “I’m… giving people the opportunity to engage with the elusive [modeling] world by opening it up to everyone,” Tyra told WWD. “Men, women, families, all generations can come and enter this model world for a day, have a fun shopping experience, and an eventful meal… There is a storyline I have been working on for a year.”

One can only hope that story has something (everything?) to do with Tyra’s 2011 novel, also named Modelland. To give you some idea of why a theme park based on this book would be so amazing, first I need to give you a quick plot synopsis. (And by quick, I mean as short as I could possibly make it because this book is bigger than the bible.)

Modelland centers around a girl named Tookie de la Creme, who is the daughter of a one-eyed acrobat named Chris de la Creme and his vain wife, Cremalatta Defacake. (DEFACAKE!) Tookie also has a multi-pageant-winning sister named Myrracle. Myrracle is kind of a B.

One day, during The Day of Discovery (don’t ask), Tookie is given a pass to Modelland by a Scout, where she and other models go in search of their smizes and get told by a magic statue that they’ll never have periods again. There are also “7seven Intoxibellas” there, who are called things like Larcenina, Shiraz and Evanjalinda.

I know, I know. Top Model‘s Miss J is confused, too:

The Intoxibellas are bestowed with magical powers like Seduksheeon (sex appeal), Multiplicity (ability to clone), Chameeleone (the power to transform), ThirtyNever (only living between the ages of 17 to 29, in a perpetual cycle) and Excite-to-Buy (turning people around you into shopaholics.)

Other things to note: Tookie’s nemesis is named Zarpessa Zarionneaux, and her love interest is Bravo, a beautiful boy from Bestosterone who spent his childhood getting sexually harassed by older women. (Seriously.) At one point, Modelland turns into a prison for no reason and the models have to scale a wall to their own doom.

Sometimes lightning turns walls into two-way mirrors. And bras evaporate. And the models get attacked by hunchbacks, their own accessories and “pug-sized” monsters known as Tumble Terrors. When they go to the hospital, they are treated by doctors who have roller-skates for feet, and nurses with scissors on their heads. When they shower, dessert comes out instead of water. Sometimes, Tookie is friends with tree-dwelling dumpster divers. None of it makes any sense at all.

In order to assist Tyra in following the structure of the book faithfully in the construction of the park, I have come up with a number of suggestions for Modelland attractions. They are as follows:

1. A Cirque du Soleil show called EyepÀtches de la Creme
2. Fashion shows in which models are forced to outrun pugs
3. A botox station called ThirtyNever
4. Animatronic menses-predicting statues
5. A hall of two-way mirrors you may only escape after effectively following critiques from “Scouts” (These will include phrases like: “Walk like it’s for sale and the rent is due tonight!” and “You walk like you’re chewing gum between your legs!“)
6. A golden brassiere-shaped roller coaster, inspired by the unforgettable text: “You begin your mornings staring at the fog, longing for the fateful evening when it will turn a golden yellow and then, finally, like a push-up brassiere, lift.”
7. A musical hospital drama performed in a roller-rink, nightly
8. An escape room containing several hunchbacks
9. Whack-a-Zarpessa-Zarionneaux-Mole
10. A Cremalatta Defacake dessert truck
11. Photobooths that only work if you’re smizing
12. Assault courses featuring hazardous walls, tree climbing and dumpsters on fire
13. Nurses running with scissors, around the park, on the hour, every hour, in no particular direction
14. A one-woman show by Cycle 12 runner-up, Allison Harvard, acting out Modelland in its entirety, in the cafeteria. (Just because her eyes would probably be very good at that, and you’d probably get hungry halfway through.)
15. An adults-only section called Bravo, Bestosterone! (Featuring “The Dance of the 7seven Intoxibellas” and an all-male troupe called “The Seduksheeon Dancers.”)

If this theme park sounds loopy to you, just keep in mind that, when it comes to Tyra Banks, much crazier things have happened…

Like her dramatization of Modelland on ANTM:

Around that time, she recorded a single that sounded like a Destiny’s Child knock off:

And, of course, there’s this timeless TV moment:

And, oh yeah, Modelland, the book, went on to be a New York Times bestseller (!).

See you in Santa Monica, Tyra!